now listen. i feel worried to hear you sound so despearte- forget the cliff- do you hear!!! bad girl , bad bad girl. this is you take care of you time - seriously. we are all we have -
I think that means we all (me included) need to endure the hurt- grow a pair - suck it up - IN FURTHERANCE of our own needs - security, kids, stability (mental or otherwise) , etc. whatever suits our needs at this moment.
doesn't have to be forever - just for now- til a better life/plan & ability to implement it.
I DO HEAR you about the money & ow & so on . i'm gonna throw in my two cents here. (lots of folks think i'm nuts - maybe) i realize in talking to you now - i've made several POLICY DECISIONS - and even when they're hard to stick to- i have so far.... I JUST keep tellin self i can always walk out TOMORROW - it gets me thru.
but for better or worse:
1) I do not have a (way) to pay my bills at this very moment - (well, except spend all my savings and ditch any hope of a safety net in life). (job is done til september unless if ind something else) but even before that - i decided - THERE FORE - WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT- WHETHER IT STINKS OR NOT- (money matters alot for bills - a roof over the head matters alot- food too- if he is THE WAY TO HAVE those things- i'll stand here til i have SOMETHING BETTER TO go to). no kidding...
I'M STAYIN HERE (i offered to clear out a couple times - NEVER AGAIN. HE'S GOING to have to kick ME out) - i'm sucking it up FOR ME- A ROOF over my head- my insecurity about being totally totally alone with the bills - and/or h turning ratty and making me buy him out and financially "hurt" (not destroy") me.
2) the ow thing- i cannot imagine about a man's ring. wtf it could be- you'll drive yourself crazy wondering. since you know you're in a big troubled sitch with this guy- put the details out of your mind. i know- easier said than done- i'm just sayin- DO NOT LET THIS MAKE YOU CRAZY.
why not just stop doing the wifely duties , as you see fit , and don't even say it out loud (since it sounds v stressful for you to announce your boundary).?? it's hard to be saying things - just do them. just change you & your "wifepoo-ness" - i'd cry for days too- i've just stopped little by little doing stuff i always did- idk-
when i actually say it out loud - a "discussion" ensues and it's never good - i only say it when he asks for something(like hemming pants) and then i'm ratty and say" so, you want ME to hem pants for you to wear with your lovergirl?" he was surprised (???) and didn't expect me to ever - what? have feelings and a brain?
3) THE KIDS - I don't have kids - my neice (14) spends alot of time here- i love her- i do not want her suffering to think of me suffering. if i told her he has ow- she'd feel badly - alot. she's got enough junk in her own life (alcoholic father spinning out of control) youth, etc.
I just said (when i had to) we're having a bit of a hard time at present- it happens with adults - it makes things a bit wierd but hopefully it will all be okay (for her security about us - not mine) and left it there. she accepted it - i don't want her to feel insecure about another r in her life that has ALWAYS been there and strong. why make her feel like parts of her world are crumbling - it's enough to know there's something without details. she's too young. when it blows to hell -i'll tell her then...my mother too- do not want her input- not her business -
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It has finally occurred to me - sometimes I am astonishingly slow - that H doesn't "lie to me to not hurt me" but rather to not have to face any consequences. But, I don't think he knows that, I think he believes his own lies.
i know- what jerks they are - huh???? my h is the biggest f'ing chicken in the universe. for all his manly man stuff- i've got more b@lls than him when it comes to confronting the truth- the hard things - myself... what & who i am.
they have the big man facade - they tell themselves they are "nice guys" and don't want to hurt us. my h said that too- i wanted to laugh in his face - maybe i did- can't remember. what idiots-i do know i told him" so, do you think you're a nice guy? hate to burst your bubble - you are not- at all - you are not "my friend" , you do not know what the word means - no one treats other people like this - even strangers, much less someone you loved".
idk- if it's a bunch of hot air then sorry for being pushy and feel free to chuck me out the window.
you need to let yourself off the hook for a bit- decide to not decide . DECIDE IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO NOT KNOW WHAT THE HECK YOU'RE DOInG OR THINKING. (this is such anuncharted territory for us all - what would you tell your best friend to make her feel better - to help her????? tell youself that.
you do not need to have "the answer" rite this minute. i felt better one nite when i just said this stuff to myself- i needed to hear it- to decide that i didn't HAVE TO decide . i'm just not READY and in full control - full knowledge - maybe never will be. it's okay to not know anyhthing about something that is someone elses crap taking us out - we don't know - we CAN'T know it all- let yourself off that hook -
breath, take one little step at a time- if you're spinning so badly over this boundary & stuff - put it off another day. you can alwasy do anything "in awhile" - tomorrow scarlett- whatever.
hope i'm not pushy & ratty here. hang on- you're probbly doing better than you know- you just sound like you're forcing yourself to do things that are making you have total streeesssssssssss - mwd says never say again something you've said. i am trying to believe my h knows i hate the ow idea- (it was said long ago) i hate the WHOOOOOLE THING - when i don't do something "fond" i guess he knows - he does not ask why not? maybe that is true of your h too? maybe silence?
good luck with this- hope you find a tiny bit of peace of mind today...
