Hi Tallula, I know what you mean about being the adventuring mom with the kids, at least once a week, we would take off with a packed lunch and off we'd go exploring.
H wasn't that into it. My mistake was seeing his actions as somehow being less caring, rather than just different. Now I would know how to negotiate and think about this in a much more open way.
Can you use your list as a starting point for a discussion (if you're at that point in your R)?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
H wasn't that into it. My mistake was seeing his actions as somehow being less caring, rather than just different. Now I would know how to negotiate and think about this in a much more open way.
Wow- this is so true--and I am guilty of this thinking too ( and subsequently fighting with H about it) I guess back then part of me thought less of him for it... How awful is that... It used to be so hard to just let people be--- and we made it Even Harder on those that we love the most.
Thanks for the highlight Bug- once again... Thinking. And I agree with subguy- you don't let yourself stay in a funk and I admire that so very much.
Xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
the root of the word sarcasm means tearing of the flesh...
I found a blog yesterday called Single Dad Laughing, totally a random FB post pointing to a flash mob video (I'm a sucker for flash mobs). The blog is written by a guy who is young, twice divorced with a young son and is his journey to figuring out why, and is a lot like many of our journeys. His post on 15 Ways I Blew my Marriage...so true.
The blog is fun, funny, poignant, insightful with some good advice.
In AlAnon, as with most 12 Step pgms, you have to do a fierce moral inventory. Sarcasm came up a lot for me and was holding me back from having better R with everyone. Who wants to get close to someone who when they feel uncomfortable inside wants to dampen that feeling by tearing another person's flesh?
Anyway, here's what the author of the SDL blog says about his sarcasm:
Yet, fun is exactly what I thought it was every time I’d lay on the sarcasm. Fun. No matter what she did, it seemed I would lay on a dose of sarcasm. Happy sarcasm. Funny sarcasm. Snide sarcasm. A lot of times straight up mean sarcasm. And, just like when I put her down, I’d make her feel stupid for not laughing about it.
He's not staying stuck, he's saying figure out your stuff and move forward.
Sort of like this place.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
It used to be so hard to just let people be--- and we made it Even Harder on those that we love the most.
Still is work for me to let people (including myself) just be. I still catch myself wondering what is wrong with people for not wanting to do fun stuff I like. Getting much better at it though. Even more dangerous are the times I catch myself trying to force things or not be who I really want to be.
Bug - You know how much I admire you for always being able to quickly bounce back and not stay under the covers. It inspires me to do the same. Truth be told I'm still not convinced she's gone forever and I'm D'd... I may never give up hope completely. Key is that we don't hold on to the hope and dream so much that we don't move forward with our own lives.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
I'll have to check the blog out. I have also been going back and listening/watching the nonviolent communication video's again. I watched them before but don't think I was ready to really hear what he had to say.
Sarcasm is at best a mean way of communicating, even the self deprecating talk. It's a way to put others or ourselves down while trying to mask it in humor. I never understood the use of sarcasm and the hurt it can bring as I am guilty of using it, esp. the self deprecating form. I can be funny and fun to be around and not use sarcasm or use someone as the butt of a joke.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
labug, I went on to his blog. Deep thoughts. Reminded me of when my brother got married last fall and all I could think of telling him was how not to mess it up. And as for sarcasm, it's definitely part of my inventory. Helps keep the focus off of me! lol! I hope your managing well in the heat. Sending you HUGS!!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
subguy, I signed up for the NVC weekly email tip and it's one of the few things I'm happy to see in my inbox. Short and to the point, it always gets me thinking.
Another good thing about giving up sarcasm, I no long have those guilty, "Wonder if I hurt so-and-so's feelings?" thoughts. Sort of like not having the hangover after choosing not to drink.
Subguy, I hope you keep posting here, it's helped me stay focused.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Still is work for me to let people (including myself) just be.
It's not easy, is it?
You can do it.
It's so much easier to fall back into our old ways but then we remember that those ways didn't work. Think about your kids trying to learn new skills and behaviors-the true beginner's mind.
I'm accepting of the reality that I will always love my H and he will always be a part of me...but maybe not a part of my life. I may meet someone else and have a love relationship with that person. I will still have a love for my H, maybe a different love but it will still be love.
I stopped trying to demand that my feelings change, because they will change when they change. _________
I wrote an email this week that was lengthy for me,at the end I put "Don't call me Spartan!"
Have a good weekend.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
