Getting Uncomfortable

[mizjjd]

OK. So, on the day of discovery I carried that ring around with me all day, debating. I finally put it back without saying anything.

For a bunch of reasons.

First it was because it doesn't matter. My reasoning on this was that it was just another piece of the infidelity I already suspected - so what's one more leaf on the tree?

And then I thought well what if it was something fairly benign? Then, approaching H would be awful - he'd know I snooped and if he is currently behaving himself then my checking up on him would be damaging.

But I've been mulling and stewing over it, as you might imagine. So today, H leaves for the casino. I plant myself with a view of the hidey hole and wait to see how this is going to play out. H packs everything up, including opening his hidey hole to grab the money, but I can't tell if he took the ring too.

Until of course he leaves. And yes, he took the ring.

Sigh.

And now I'm conflicted again. I truly believe this ring has something to do with ow.

And remember that for our anniversary H offered to be open and honest about this supposedly platonic relationship they were having.

Someone explain how this boundary thing is supposed to work.

And someone explain too, this unconditional love idea and how that is supposed to work with someone who has had "numerous women".

And so, if I ask him about the ring, which is probably going to have to happen because otherwise I think I may become physically ill, and it does have ow connections, what am I supposed to do then?

Because the deal was that things could/would continue status quo as long as things were as they should be. A deal H offered - his own idea. I read that as I have the right to ask and receive honest answers about their dealings.

But this rampant cake eating must end if he's not keeping to his part of his own "bargain".

And then of course I cycle back to not wanting to disrupt the twins' senior year, so-maybe-I-should-just-swallow-everything-you-know-like-I-have-done-for-the-last-15-years-and-oh-my-god-if-I-have-to-keep-doing-that-I-think-I'd-rather-die.

I'm trying guys, really I am.

But the quicksand has a hold of me.