Blindsided

[Thumpered]

If your both in the same house, and you feel like eggshells coming, get out of the house and take a walk around the block. I was going down to the library and sitting down reading a lot of the books ppl recommended here. Anything I could to keep as much separation at first as I could so it wouldn't get confrontational. If you have to clean/work around the house, put on some headphones and listen to music or an audio book.

Don't take anything personal. Believe half of what you see, and none of what you hear.

[Demoted26]

I know how hard it is not to take it personal. I mean, these people act annoyed that we still are attached to them. Um, hello! Thats what we signed up for when we got married.

I'm sorry they decided they feel otherwise, but we need time to catch up.

As for the sex thing, I get ya. I have the opposite trouble. H wants to, but things arent working sometimes. I say it's stress. But my head wants to say "it's me, I'm not desirable. I'm old, fat, boring. Not anything new".
This whole thing is a mind@$&#.
I too miss that connection with my H...when I thought it was a special way to bond. Now, kinda skeeves me out sometimes. I'm not used to having"casual sex"... & certainly not with H!

Eggshells sux, definitely get out for a bit...thats a fight brewing. Go get an icecream cone or coffee, go to the library (one I've been doing too!), walk the dog, talk to a neighbor about chit chat.
Hang in there.

[In Irons]

Hi CHL,

I found your thread and am sorry to read about your situation - I certainly see parallels to my own. One thing I do want to say is not to judge your attractiveness based on what H thinks (which I'm sure is hard). First, beauty and attraction are based on much more than physical attributes and second, there's nothing wrong with size 10 or 12 (confession: I'm not a big fan of skinny women). Sounds like others give you compliments, so take those and see yourself as beautiful.

Thanks for responding on my story - I'll keep an eye over here and wish you the absolute best!!!

[chl0901]

Thanks, Demoted and Thumpered! I definitely have been trying to at least leave the room or take S on a walk when I feel like an argument is brewing or I am extremely uncomfortable with the way H is acting.

I'm actually getting my hair done right now and having a couple of changes (nothing too drastic, but different) and I'm hoping H notices. Still doing great exercising and eating right and trying to work on my physical appearance, since H said his main issue is he isn't physically attracted to me anymore.

Demoted, I love your quote about "These people act annoyed that we are still attached to them!" So true and ridiculous (IMO). I hope y'all are having a good weekend. H text me earlier and asked if I wanted to go to dinner as a family and I said yes so hopefully that goes well.

[chl0901]

Well, H didn't say anything about my hair (I didn't expect him to, but was hoping he would). That being said, I love it at least!

[chasingpavements]

Hi, chl0901, sounds like you are starting to make a lot of positive changes. I feel like we are in a similar situation, where our spouses are acting the same way in some areas. Keep it up. I agree with the others, to get out and about and keep busy, if his mood is affecting you. That is so hard to deal with, that is what I am going through right now as well. Do you have any other 180's you are trying?

My DB coach told me a few useful things today..
try to be a "solution detective", and really focus on what changes you are making that are getting positive responses, and start doing them a lot more often. (Test and Check) And if you are getting a negative response from him for something you are doing, or neutral response, stop doing it, or try something else. Seems like common sense, but something to think about!

[chl0901]

Hi Hwy, thanks for stopping by again.

I'm trying to stay on track with the changes I've made so far, and feel I have been doing a good job. I got a lot of positive comments about my hair today at work from co-workers, which was nice (especially since H never said anything about it - I'm gonna just need to let that go!).

I'm still trying to eat well and exercising, and have been pleasant and tried to be positive in attitude and conversation, and NOT bring up any M talk. He has not either, so I guess no news is good news at this point.

Yesterday was a pretty good day, except for H got really moody and quiet for a couple of hours in the afternoon so I just didn't talk to him (it would have annoyed him) and his mood had recovered mostly by the evening.

I hope everyone had a good weekend!

[chl0901]

Also, I've received DB in the mail and am planning on starting it tomorrow during my lunch break - I brought it to work because I don't want H to see it (I'm not sure how he would react to it honestly and don't want to chance looking desperate).

[chl0901]

Hi Irons, I just saw your post on here from a couple of days ago and wanted to say thank you for the kind words. It is really hard to not take my H's lack of attraction to me personally, because he used to always tell me how beautiful I am, etc. which of course makes one feel special. To now hear otherwise really hurts.

For the greater part of our relationship (until the past few years), I was in much better shape so I am (and was already) trying to do that for H but also myself, because I do take pride in my appearance and had let myself go somewhat. Thank you again for the sweet words and best of luck with your sitch. I will keep up with yours as well!

[chasingpavements]

Keep it up with the appearance changes, it makes you 'mysterious' and he may start to wonder what is going on. You could get a manicure or pedicure, maybe even buy some new clothes. For me, the pedicure was a nice way to relax away from home. Sometimes when my H is acting moody/grumpy and it is bothering me, I will drive to the mall and buy a new dress or something that makes me feel sexy. Your confidence will improve and your H will start to wonder!