I would like any opinions on how to handle what I see as a growing problem in my sitch. My W goes to the gym for jui jitsu 2 nights a week and then to crossfit 1 night a week. She is with mostly men, and she has worked hard and continues to work hard to build friendships with them. There is one guy that I know she is infatuated with, and initially at BD I thought she was having an EA and maybe a PA with him. It turns out that she wasn’t. Initially, I told her that I wanted her to stop contact with him. She did for a brief time, but then gradually did things to engage with him more and she lied to me about it. In fact, she has lied to me about anything to do with guy for awhile. I caught her in these lies (for example, she said she was going to kickboxing with mostly women, but she was really going to crossfit where these guys go).
About 2 months ago I backed off about this guy (a 180?) and just ignored it. If you read my previous thread, a few weeks ago we went somewhere and she saw his car out front and she freaked out and wanted to leave. Then just 3 days later, we went to a party he had in which he invited everyone from the gym. My W asked me to go with her, and we both had a great time.
In the past 2 weeks, I think my W is making efforts to increase opportunities to interact with him. Has it turned into an EA? I don’t think so. He’s busy, has a girlfriend, and my W is busy too. Their opportunities to meet are at the gym and afterwards. It is the afterwards that bothers me. My W sometimes comes home at 9:30 or 10:30 pm, when the gym is done at 8:30pm. They all go to a bar for drinks. BTW, she calls me to say that she is going to the bar – this is part of our agreement.
I think that while this is not a typical EA or PA, my W’s infatuation with this guy who she said she is greatly attracted to (but not in love) is in the way of her having or building these feelings for me. BTW, she expressed this in the opposite way to her friend as saying, “I like [SailingAlone] and he is a good husband and father, but because I don’t have these feelings for him, I’m attracted to other men.”
So my question, after a long intro, is what should I do about this? Currently, I’m not doing anything. I was thinking whether I should ask her again to stop all contact with him. The only problem is that I know she loves jui jitsu and this gym is the only place in the area she could go for this. The other option is to continue doing nothing about this particular aspect and let it die off? I worry that given the nature of the R it would take a long time to die off since they interact so little.
