So it was with great surprise that one weekend, a few weeks into the new job, my wife (with whom I have been with for 10 years) essentially told me that she was angry with me for daring to come home happy, assuming that it was solely because I was away from her and the kids. After some discussion, I got the famous ILYBINILWY speech. She told me she had “checked out a long time ago”, had been planning to leave me for some time and was just waiting until I was “better”.
Unfortunately your W probably checked out long before you started to pull out of it. Once a WAS checks out, when they finally drop the bomb they will make EVERYTHING sound like a contributing factor, even things like your happiness and that you have a good job. That's just script.
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But there had been many great years before that and the prior year or so (after completing the counselling and anti-depressants) had been good (or so I thought).
The WAS will rewrite history in their head, they focus on all the negative stuff that ever happened in the M and forget the good stuff. We call it being in the fog. Don't be surprised to hear things like "I was never happy" and "we never should have gotten married". Read Sandi's DB 180 tips (sticky at top of forum) and live those tips. It covers things like never trying to convince the WAS that there were good times. Don't drag out photo albums to prove to them they were happy. Because right now she doesn't believe it. She may eventually come out of the fog, but not anytime soon.
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but even when I was at my worst, I thought I was an OK husband.
And you probably were. So was I, and many others here. Yet here we are! The thing is, you may have been good but make yourself GREAT. Become the spouse only a fool would leave.
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This time, it was based on my entire world falling apart, losing the woman I love, losing time with my kids and everything else that goes along with that. I went back on anti-depressants, returned to counselling and read everything I could on curing depression and marital problems. Nothing seemed to be able to cure the funk that I was in or our R. There was a period of time in there when I was seriously considering suicide as an option and a few times when I came very close to taking my life.
I'm glad you didn't act on that, but believe me, I know that place. I was there too. Lots of us can relate. It DOES get better. I'm over a year since BD, am separated and only see my kids every other week, but I am happier than I've been in many years. You'll get there too.
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Every night, when I sleep alone, it is a painful reminder that I have been rejected.
Turn the negatives into positives. You get the whole bed to yourself! Stretch out and enjoy it! After my W left I felt so lonely at home by myself. Now I relish that time alone. I do projects, I go work out, I watch TV and play videogames in my underwear, I belch loudly, I stay up late tinkering with the motorcycles. A lot of being miserable or being happy is simply a state of mind.
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I never get any signals that she wants the marriage to work. The closest I would get is "I'm not sure" or "I don't know". The MC said that her attending MC sessions was a good sign, but I felt (and still feel) that it was out of guilt so she could say she tried.
You are right, and your MC is wrong. It's not a good sign, she's just going so she can check it off her list of "things I tried to save the M but that just proved it's really over". She doesn't want to work on it. She's just going through the motions. It takes most sitches well over a year before the WAS starts showing interest again. Sometimes it's years. I went into this thinking it was a timeline of months, but in my time here I've never seen a reconciliation that happened that fast.
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On top of all this, she is very secretive; never leaving her phone unattended, spending a lot of time texting to unknown parties and she leaves for hours at a time for a 30 minute errand, usually in the evenings.
Very typical WAS behavior.
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It makes me feel like there is an OM, but she denied this when I asked her (as most would of course).
There probably is an OM, there almost always is. It may be physical or it may be emotional, but either way it's a huge roadblock to reconciliation. Most WAS's don't consider it an "affair" if it's purely emotional, so they're being honest (in their eyes) when they say there's no affair. But an EA is just as damaging as a PA.
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In trying to fix things and putting up with being treated like an outcast, I feel like a loser and someone who has no respect for themselves
That's where DB'ing comes in. Through DB'ing you can find yourself again, you can rebuild your self-esteem and feel good about life and even your sitch regardless of how it ends up. DB'ing is all about working on YOURSELF.
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I am struggling with the notion of not talking about the R, since I am a logical person and want to reason everything out.
So am I! But believe me, when you quit focusing all your energy on your M and W and instead focus it on you, that's when the real healing starts.
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I talked to my W about D.
Read Sandi's tips. Don't do that again. Don't ever initiate M, D or R talks. Keep all convo's light and fluffy.
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I got the "I'm not sure" answer. This answer hasn't changed through dozens of conversations
The more you push the more "sure" she will become that D is the answer. Quit the pressure.
