The Final Countdown

[RoofRackDude]

Spent the 4th at a small town carnival with W. She seemed very relaxed (more on this later). Got ice cream and watched a old-school country band play until the fireworks. Dropped her off at her apartment and got a smooch, which is the first in probably a month or more.

I tend to be an opinionated person. This has to do with my very over-active brain* which NEVER stops processing and videotaping, always capturing stuff and then (formerly) blurting things out in a seemingly random way, an ironic observation here, a snide remark there, maybe a joke. I've really learned to reign this in, especially around W. This got to be very annoying to her and distracting. PLUS I can be very emphatic, and while I don't need to win arguments or be right, when I would express an opinion it made her feel diminished and resentful, since she felt I was demeaning her. Over time it ground her down and impacted her self-worth and self-esteem. She knows I've been working on this since starting therapy, even if I can't change my brain.

Early on when she was still at home and before I discovered DR, it wasn't unusual for her to say "Who ARE you?" if I would express an opinion different than what she expected (a lot of her WAW behavior is a reaction to her own expectations of me. Could this be a type of codependency?), so I got early confirmation of how rewarding a 180 could be before I knew what a 180 was!

Back to last night. The band played mostly cry-in-your-beer Merle Haggard, Johnny Paycheck stuff about WAWs, crushed hopes, etc. Not my kind of music, and I don't think I had heard 99% of what they played before, but during the upbeat songs she would dance a little in place next to me. I was chilled and made no snotty remarks (like I would have before) regarding the band, music etc. I actually complimented the fiddle player and singers who were very good. Not that it means anything related to our M/R, but it was very nice to see her relaxed enough around me to be herself. I have seen this peek through a few times since BD and usually bring it to her attention (good? bad?). I didn't say anything last night. It was clear that she had a good time. I've come to see events like this as something I tell myself is IPI: Incremental Positive Interaction. She's had a positive experience with me.

*I've been scheduled for neuropsychological testing in September to see why my brain races. Can be good when at work, troubleshooting the computer or car, but very bad when I start getting down on myself or thinking about W and what she's up to. Have ruled out ADD & ADHD and mood disorders. I don't want to be medicated, learning to do PMR to calm myself.