so - you made me laugh. when you say "sweat roll" - i'm assuming that's Sweet? roll?
anyway- funny stuff. glad you're looking forward to your evening. i'd rather someone was around tonite.
entire world is quiet here- and i'm on a busy busy road- not even anyone driving around.
just took mom to wendy's for a burger- SOMETHING for her to do on 4th july- what a bomb. complained whole time & lectured me about wasting money-!!?? it was her idea for cripes sake- cannot win- oh well huh? what did i expect - OOOOH NO MR BILLLL - those damn expectations. they'll kill ya every time.
silly me- thought maybe it'd just be a nicer gesture than 4th all by her lonesome- just SOMETHING to do - get out of house
anyway- now here- too darn quiet. maybe i'll try calling and seeing if anyone i know that's alive and in town is aorund. guess i could drive to next town over. don't feellike it- but do not want to be lassie in the mud here. better to move than wallow- ( i could wallow & blubber tonite- what a drag woman!!!) (to self)
hope you enjoy your movie. i can tell i'm "iffy" so need to get the heck out- i know- if all else fails i'll go take a walk by self- friend probably at a picnic or something with family. she's a happenin babe.
my walkin buddy & h & son are close close close. she moans tho (nothing is ever "perfect" is it tho) because she's got an adult son, and he's nice & works from home for a movie magazine- BUT he's got some kind of adult autism or something going on with social interaction. he hasn't got any- doesn't want any and is not good at it.
they are all close and do everything together- but she'd kill to have him go out and have friends, drive, get a girlfriend, etc. he's probably 25 or 28 and has never had a date. i feel badly- she despairs of him ever leaving and having his own life.
it's a life lesson isn't it? i feel envious sometimes because she's always got them to do stuff with- and they clamor for her time & attention. she works teaching, loves it and does not want to retire and be home all day with them.
it's a circle isn't it- one wants this, another that, round & round.
she's a nice woman- wish i could fix it for her.
idk dawn- guess i'll cruse thru someone's thread and then go find "a life" here.
it was okay- curiously not awful. i felt badly after dropped off my mothr- felt like crying - so hopeless to even "try" (what is it abut your mother than can reduce to tears just becasue they're ratty & critical & nothing can ever just be "nice" i think she'd die if she just said "this is nice" - etc. - God, its so childish (me- my reaction) - yet- mothers talk and the rest of us take it in (waaay in) oh well) - got rid of that feeling. just made self snap out of it-
after a great garden note in here from beatrice - went out and topped my backup dogwood tree (it was about 6' too tall- i'm letting it live so when ancient one finally croaks- i'll have someone there to step in) - and a redbud. same deal- just 6'or so too high- i can't afford the extra shade- everybody in the garden has to be strictly polite and keep to their little alloted space - no afros - only crewcuts thanks.
then went for a walk- down a street closeby where i know a girl from highschool lives by self & pet-sits - is sometimes walking her dog and asks for garden advice. looked over her garden in passing- seeing what i could suggest & ran into her- talked for half hour or so, made plans to do some crafts together this weekend - so killed the evening in pleasant conversation.
so ta da- made it thru another crap nite by self- i'm GOING TO BE SUCH A MAN WHEN THIS IS OVER- I'M TELLIN YA. I can feel myself growing a pair every time i push thru some bad time.
I'M THINKING THIS MORNING THO=- my h saying he "lost himself". I feel like that also- he took away what my identity was (well, the bulk of it) and now I am becoming someone else. while it is a direct result of his insanity- it's time of life & age and alot of things as well.
no doubt tho- his mlc has pushed me off some edge here too with my own "identity". tho everyone i know is in same boat for some reason - i guess in your 60s you just need to get a new focus & perspective. sooo many things are ending- but then, we have to look for new avenues don't we? INSTEAD OF JUST BLAMING IT on someone else and putting a period on it???
it's very difficult for me (probably all of us) to have faith in the ultimate "wisdom" of someone who is acting like such a giant A$$ - isn't it? that's the problem in all this- WE ARE obliged to just "have faith" in someone acting like they deserve no faith at all- not even credit for being a smart child most of the time.
if it's true - when he said he "chose me" to spend life with when he and ow had flirtation a million years ago - then how the heck can he not arrive at the same conclusion now? (ultimately) (however, if he is wacky enough to risk it all - then how would i expect him to be sane enough to arrive at same conclusion. it's a stumper.
i know who i am- and he's not likely to find another "me" - but see what i mean? he apparently is blind now - who knows if sight comes back.?? it's another sad & intresting "circle". we're alllllllll in this sort of a "if this- then that" kind of round and round thing.
(i'm not thinking hard about this today- just wanted to comment on my brains rationality this morning - w/coffee - making my list of all my wonderful accomplishments i'm going to do today)
HOWEVER - REALISTICALLY- I'M NOT so sure if i believe him really (or in him) . true - he's a big boy and the guy with all the mone4y & power and could have just walked out then. why the heck not - BUT - SHE had & wanted kids - he did not. it crosses my mind that she walked out of their sitch to save her marriage. I bet he had nothing to do with it really- i know too much about both of them. too bad huh?
OTHER THAN if he LOOOOOVED her that darn much - he could have easily convinced her to stay and did whatever it takes to keep her near him. (what i or anyone truly IN LOVE would do to keep the object of their desire (wouldn't you think?) but then- he's not strictly normal/usual guy....
i honestly wonder what really is his capability for love. the depth it COULD go in him. perhaps - he's so emotionally messed up that he will forever be soooo superficial that he cannot be a person that views the loss of someone else as life threatening to him. me- i'd walk thru fire - i know myself. just unable to put a limit on what i'd do to have/keep someone i adore. no kidding.
idk if that's so good or not- just who i am. i have a notion who most of us here are. THAT TYPE. LOVE first - rest next.
him- perhaps due to jerked up childhood & parents- just toooo much has become who he is to contain himself- cover up himself, etc. NOOOOOONE IS worth as much as him to him- know what i mean.
so anyway- just a kind of perspective thought here- this business of "having faith" - which is what we're all doing- kind of. well, hoping that they are worthy of our faith- love - whatever....
it's tricky isn't it? did any of that make sense?
i'm pretty clinical about it rite now- not emotionally charged or anything. tired - going to be a hot hot day so ick! just cruising into day-
lots planned- am doing good - big pile of cloting to ditch- brought down 2 big boxes of "stuff" from attic to look over- ditch, whatever (it's out of attic tho and 3 cloths baskets of projects, fabric, clothing that needs alterations, etc.) just great junk 'I ALWAYS MEANT to fix, use, etc." -
progress - yay. now, to get it all out of the house or chopped up and used.
decided any item of clothing i'm keeping only because i love the fabric (my particular addiction) i'm going to chop rite up and cover the cushions on front porch and be done with it.
stop SAVING IT - use it and enjoy looking at it.....or ditch it. forward march...
then let me just say- all this theorizing & bits of wisdoms & "getting detached" and gal - and alllllllll this crappola i think about & say & even believe - some smart - some dumb
i have to confess that it all doesn't really change one darn thing - does it???
we are scabbing up and one tiny bit more insulated from it-
we care - hence we're here - hence we hurt- hence i'm a giant bunch of hot air sometimes w/my pma junk - (freudian slip- just typed hot hair)
i am hot- (literally) allll my bluster in the universe doesn't seem to just take away this bad sitch and all the resulting feelings we all struggle with.
(talking to all you guys does help - moderates my feelings & views & gives me much-needed perspective - that much is true.)
oh well- just wanted to say it out loud.
idk why- just bumbling thru the dark like everyone else some stinkin journey - huh???
you know - idk... part of me buys into ole mwd's whole db spiel and can see him as seriously (really) nuts. part of me says what you say - no way.
you know- i could wash it away - if i felt sure. what the heck he'd have to say or do to make me sure- can't imagine.
i never demanded he be anyone but who he was. i have brain limbo at this moment - not one darn thought of worth - theories all gone- no opinion tonite.
thanks for askin - i'm fine really- kinda wierdly coldly not-participating. i'm glad not to be blubbering or shaking with anger- so i'll make it i'm sure, for one more day.
just another crap nite- with this crap life - & this crap h - you'd think i'd just stick up my white flag- wouldn't you???
just journaling along- my mother just called to tell me (very seriouslyh) that someone is coming into her house . moving things arund, who would want to? tidied up- who would want to-
she does this every time she leaves the house - comes home and can't find her purse (she hides it somewhere different every single time) it's hell im sure -
she thinks it's not her house sometimes, that she just moved there and tht's why it seems unfamiliar- GOD! dementia svucks!!!
what do you do or say for or to her??? don't want to rush and take her life away- she's okay most of the time- it's the last few weeks, months, years of her life as she lived it- as she was...
who can take it away lightly or one minute before have to. i need to find someone kindly, competent and local who can maybe stop in daily just to help & be a stable persence.
i need to go to fl - i think- to get away and for own conviction i should (at the moment anyway- i think i should) but don't want to ditch her- but do not want to sacrifice my life for hers. hard & ratty decisions to make.
it's soooo sad- losing your memory to the point where the only thing you can figure out is that someone else is doing it. i say "mom, your memory is a bit bad", it's normal for your age. she wants to fight abut that-
she's healthy- but brain bad. no justice huh?
anyway- did not hear from h yesterday. no doubt on trip to ow. hate it- know it- it's wierd after allllll these years to realize that we have talked to each other every single day for 38 years - no matter what- UNLESS he is with ow.
i don't know where to fit it into my brain - life. alllllll this stuff- EVERY5HING about this mlc- ow-lying-cheating (knowledge he may have ALWAYS been both ) - all of it-
it does not fit into my life- yet, would seem to BE MY LIFE AT THIS moment.
no wonder we all go nuts trying tofigure this and figure that and have guts to do it, or not do it-
and why in the world would we know one darn thing about it? it's not us- our choices - our brain- it's them and they are nuts or don't know what ehy're doing (really)
much less us
oyh cripes - motehr just called can't find cat food- then called and can't find can opener- have to go over
GEEEEZ AT LEAST WE ALL HAVE OUR BRAINS STILL- oh man- life is crazy & sad
Hey Nero, sorry to hear about mom, I'm sure it's not easy on either of you!
IMHO, you should go to Fl, mom will be who she is with you there or without! Your going to make sure she's fine, and your have a sister there, it will have to be on her for a while, sorry Nero needs time off!
Your in a very delicate state right now, you sound ( and I know you probably give your worste here as you should) , but you sound a little sad, maybe scared, unsure, and even pissed w a touch of confused. Heck, I just described myself!
If your not your best, what do you have left to give you poor little mom!
You were very content in your life w h and to find that you may have been living his facade for a long time is not easy! But, your doing so well and talking it out here and doing things for yourself, keep going!
We can't afford to stop or look back, it's to fresh, to easy to backslide! One day we can reflect and laugh and cry about this sh1t, but not yet! Hopefully, it's when our new future is happy and filled w lot of L, w whom ever we end up w!
My h is reaching out to me, I think I told him 7xs on thur. that I'm not so needy of him as to be sitting here quietly waiting while he nurtures sir stupido! He just keeps saying enjoy your home and kids and life, let me be lost in the darkness! He doesn't want me to change a thing about our life, he called me his string!
There is no way to say which sitches are better or easier. In your face MLC, or crack pot that disappears for days and shows up wanting you to act like this are just peachy!
They are crazy, not us, we're just dumbfounded!
I'm going w D for new glasses , I always spend way too much getting something really cool. This time I'm gonna look into contacts too, maybe try a new look! I'm still looking for that laughing Buddha, I have been ready the Buddha ways, very interesting, I like open mindness!
How and humid, I hate humidity! Gonna find a pretty sleeveless and get outa here, while h watches like a cat liking his wounds!
Have a great day, Nero! You are ok!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
then let me just say- all this theorizing & bits of wisdoms & "getting detached" and gal - and alllllllll this crappola i think about & say & even believe - some smart - some dumb
i have to confess that it all doesn't really change one darn thing - does it??? we are scabbing up and one tiny bit more insulated from it"
Oh Nero, I know we cannot feel it doing any good right now, but I think GAL and detaching will get us through this. I've done more than my share of sitting around crying, feeling sorry for myself, panic stricken, horribly horribly depressed, and still have crying jags that just come over me unexpectedly, like my sock incident at work. But I think we need to detach from the craziness, the perceived lack of love, the lonliness, to keep sane. And to do GAL activities to stay busy and occupied and happy.
I'm so jealous of you and Bea and your gardens. I had a small but lovely garden, and was learning to grow flowering perennials from seed. I remember gowing and finally transplanting some baby columbine, it was SO exciting, but the next day every one was gone and there were deer tracks. I HATE deer more than OW! And that's a lot! Over the next few days they ate everything, roses, irises, daisies, hostas. My sons bought me a book about plants deer won't eat, like peonies, lavender, salvia, black eyed susan, but the deer had not read the book. Oh well. If my H ever finishes the fence, maybe you girls will help me start it again.
I'm sorry you are going thru such a hard time with your mom Nero. It must be so frightening to be old and confused, and think that people were in your house moving your stuff. Do you think she might end up living with you? Or in one of those "assisted living" facilities maybe?
You wrote "i honestly wonder what really is his capability for love. the depth it COULD go in him. perhaps - he's so emotionally messed up that he will forever be soooo superficial that he cannot be a person that views the loss of someone else as life threatening to him. me- i'd walk thru fire - i know myself. just unable to put a limit on what i'd do to have/keep someone i adore. no kidding.
idk if that's so good or not- just who i am. i have a notion who most of us here are. THAT TYPE. LOVE first - rest next."
I was wondering the same thing this morning! Why so many people just get divorced, but we are on this forum fighting for our marriages. You're right, we view the loss of our spouses as life threatening, but our Hs don't feel a damned thing. But I think it's just temporary Nero. They will wake up someday and get their feelings back. Like novacaine wearing off your mouth after dental work. I hope!! :)
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
