Neither W nor I had plans for the 4th, so this morning I decided to ask her if she wanted to walk the gardens at Cantigny Park. Nature hikes used to be a regular of ours, and she accepted. The entire time there she was very withdrawn. Little conversation on her end. Kept some distance from me as we walked. On the way home we stopped by my work, where I gave her the tour of my facilities extreme makeover. We got on a little better here. We then went out for buffet lunch, stuffed ourselves silly, and went home to take naps.
When I woke up, I asked W if she wanted to join me going out for coffee. (and to fill the gas tank on her car, which is something I always do for her) Again, she said yes.
While we were there she started to open up. Told me how going out for a nature walk with me today was a reminder of how she doesn't want to hold my hand or even touch me. How she can't go on like this, not being happy. She knows she still can be happy, but is afraid if she waits too long (to make a change) she won't ever be able to.
Said she gets along ok through the week with me, doing chores and going through day to day living, but being out there today was really hard on her, seeing others holding hands, and thinking about how she feels nothing like that for me, and doesn't believe she ever will. Said she knew she couldn't tell me about it then, because she would have started crying.
(I think to myself: me too)
She's also concerned that a birthday party we're going to tomorrow night for my nephew may actually include a surprise 30th Anniversary party for us. As you can imagine, she is really not up for that, but says she'll somehow manage to get through it if it happens.
Ouch, ouch, ouch. I really didn't say much, just listened. I then thanked her for going out with me today, and for telling me how she felt.
When we got home she started doing dishes... while singing along to classic country songs. Many quite sad, like this one:
And I've got to keep goin' I can't lay down Sleep won't hardly come Where there's loneliness all around
I've got to keep goin' Travlin' down this lonesome road I'll be rollin' with the flow Goin' where the lonely go
I keep thinking about how some MLC'ers need to "see it through".
Everyone here keeps telling me I'm doing a great job DB. I usually think so too, but I also feel like maybe I should be doing something else/more. IDK. The only thing I know for sure is this stuff is really hard! Thanks all.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
