Sub, I've been there so many times...just last week when H was here, he said something about a situation with his mom, I inserted a solution in a joking manner but I was still not really listening to him, end of convo.
2 minutes later I thought, I should have asked him what he wanted to do in that situation. My IC agreed.
I need to talk less, listen more.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
So much of this internal struggle that I have had these last several months is really a fight with my self. I lost my identity sometimes I feel like it was taken from me: a husband and a father to a family and married 23 years. Perfectionism?? look at me married for 23 years... Why was this important to me? Why did I not value myself enough to have my own identity?!?! This is where I am in a nutshell right now, well at least one struggle I have. Finding me and what is important to me and then living that life to the fullest. I encourage my children to reach for the stars and go for their dreams and yet here I sit... What am I teaching them through my actions?
When I bought my Harley, I asked my D if she thought I would ever do such a thing and she said yes. I said really, why is that and she said because you said you would... Am I being hard on myself? do my children see me differently than i do? These are the kind of thoughts I am dealing with, I question myself almost daily on who I am.
I put a lot of life dreams on hold because I thought that was the grown up thing to do, you know fall on the sword for my family. I am starting to realize there was a responsible way to achieve my dreams and I chose to take the path of nothing. I can see the questions now... so subguy what are your dreams, list them for me, how will you achieve them? I know and I am trying to figure me and that out now.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
The refinance of the house is done. I feel pretty calm about it, I must have been anxious about getting it done as afterwards I felt a release of tension. Lets see if I can sleep better tonight. I was up 2 hours early this morning, my brain would not turn off.
I scheduled my W to sign her part about 20min before me as I thought it best for me. I showed up just as she was finishing and she walked out of the bank without any acknowledgement of my existence. Thats okay... for now thats how I want it, contact me only about our daughter.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Things are going fairly well... I still have moments of pain, uncertainty and loneliness yet I have found that life goes on and happiness is a fleeting moment in time. Joy for life, whether in good times or bad times is my true north direction. I am finding this joy in many different avenues and one in particular is my biggest source of joy.
Still no contact with my stbx and for now this is how I want to proceed. It has been just shy of a year by about 2 weeks since the initial bomb drop. This has been a tough year and I am really thankful for the opportunity for me to grow as a person. I am learning new communication skills. The other day my D14 was in a horrible mood. I asked her if everything was okay and she gave me the standard "yep". I said hhmm okay it just seemed to me like you are upset about something and if you need to talk I'm willing to listen. About 5 minutes later she said "I'm just frustrated because I left my purse with all my money in it at church". I said " I can see why your frustrated, I would be upset as well". She went on about how she has some personal stuff in there etc... I validated and empathized. At the end I asked her if she could think of a way to rectify the situation. She came up with a workable solution and I helped her achieve her goal of getting it back. She immediately calmed down and we had a very pleasant evening. Before i prolly would have said something like " I don't know what your problem is but don't take it out on me" and the argument would have been on. Her concerns would not have been validated and we would have fought. I truly am thankful that I am having a better relationship with my D.
Without the bomb drop on my head and heart I would not have looked at me and realized the world was not the problem, the problem was inside of me. I am really in a good place right now, like i said I still have good/bad days but am thankful to be where I am at this moment.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I lost my identity sometimes I feel like it was taken from me: a husband and a father to a family and married 23 years. Perfectionism?? look at me married for 23 years... Why was this important to me? Why did I not value myself enough to have my own identity?!?!
Don't beat yourself up over it, I know I can relate to your feelings and I'm sure others can too. When you're with someone over 2 decades, well you do become codependent on them just as they do on you. That becomes your identity. We give up a lot to become spouses and parents. We willingly surrender a lot of our independence. That's not a bad thing, it's just what marriage is all about in my opinion. So when the rug gets ripped out from under us at BD, we're left spinning, no longer knowing who we are. We don't just lose our spouse, we lose our identity. For most of us it's an identity that we thought we would have for life. But that's where DB'ing comes in- when you get out and GAL and focus on yourself and your kids rather than your W you redefine yourself. Your W wasn't attracted to you originally because you were a husband. She was probably attracted to you because you were your own person- strong, independent, loving life. You just have to find that guy again. He's still there! I found that guy in me, and now I'm happier and more content than I've been in many years.
Quote:
This is where I am in a nutshell right now, well at least one struggle I have. Finding me and what is important to me and then living that life to the fullest. I encourage my children to reach for the stars and go for their dreams and yet here I sit... What am I teaching them through my actions?
It's hard to let go of the old identity. I think a lot of us feel that if we let go of "husband" and find our old independent self again that it will kill our chances of reconciliation. But as long as we cling to that spouse identity we cling to our spouse too, and our spouse perceives that clinginess and finds it unattractive. So we have to let go, not just for ourselves, but (ironically) for any chance at reconciliation too.
Quote:
These are the kind of thoughts I am dealing with, I question myself almost daily on who I am.
I know what you mean. I went through the same struggles. In the end I decided I didn't need a profile of who I am, because that changes depending on the circumstances (at work I'm one person, with the kids another, with my biker buddies another, etc.) The way I see it now, I am just a guy plugging through this thing called life doing good, bad, right and wrong things. I do the best I can and that is good enough to excuse my shortfalls.
Quote:
I put a lot of life dreams on hold because I thought that was the grown up thing to do, you know fall on the sword for my family.
Learn a lesson from that. While sacrificing yourself may seem noble, our ultimate pursuit should be to enjoy life! Because if we enjoy life, that trickles down to everyone around us. If you sacrifice too much and you're unhappy/ unfulfilled because of it, that too trickles down to everyone around you. So get out and have some fun, enjoy life. Quit taking yourself so seriously
So much of this internal struggle that I have had these last several months is really a fight with my self. I lost my identity sometimes I feel like it was taken from me: a husband and a father to a family and married 23 years. Perfectionism?? look at me married for 23 years... Why was this important to me? Why did I not value myself enough to have my own identity?!?! This is where I am in a nutshell right now, well at least one struggle I have. Finding me and what is important to me and then living that life to the fullest. I encourage my children to reach for the stars and go for their dreams and yet here I sit... What am I teaching them through my actions?
AS answered this very well.
I too find myself with the same questions.
It certainly is much easier to see the good and possibilities in others and much harder to look within and believe the same for ourselves.
Thanks for your honesty in your post, it helped me.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
AS, thanks for responding. I can pretty much sum up with a yep, I agree!!! I am looking into joining a local HOG chapter, I need more friends who do not know my wife and dudes and dudettes on Harleys sounds like a great idea.
Originally Posted By: jp787
Originally Posted By: subguy
So much of this internal struggle that I have had these last several months is really a fight with my self. I lost my identity sometimes I feel like it was taken from me: a husband and a father to a family and married 23 years. Perfectionism?? look at me married for 23 years... Why was this important to me? Why did I not value myself enough to have my own identity?!?! This is where I am in a nutshell right now, well at least one struggle I have. Finding me and what is important to me and then living that life to the fullest. I encourage my children to reach for the stars and go for their dreams and yet here I sit... What am I teaching them through my actions?
AS answered this very well.
I too find myself with the same questions.
It certainly is much easier to see the good and possibilities in others and much harder to look within and believe the same for ourselves.
Thanks for your honesty in your post, it helped me.
I am glad it helps, I learning to be brutally honest about who I am, no more faking it. If someone does not like me flaws and all then get the heck out of my life lol. Here's the kicker, I'm also a pretty awesome person... fun, willing for adventure, opens the door and gives up my seat for women, helpful, generous, funny, loves God and the list goes on. what I'm getting at is don't always look at the negative and try to "fix" everything. JP, you have some awesome traits as well don't forget to look at those.
Gotta start to first part of 10 hour drive, coupled with at least 3 hours of work... A lot of face time with the windshield today
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I learning to be brutally honest about who I am, no more faking it. If someone does not like me flaws and all then get the heck out of my life lol. Here's the kicker, I'm also a pretty awesome person... fun, willing for adventure, opens the door and gives up my seat for women, helpful, generous, funny, loves God and the list goes on. what I'm getting at is don't always look at the negative and try to "fix" everything.
well, everything is about the same here. I still have good and not so good days. That is to be expected. I am focusing on me instead of my situation now, I wish I would have just focused on me earlier instead of my wife, ah well... that water is past the bridge now. I now see the wisdom from the vets of getting out of the way of our spouses and work on us, way to much energy was spent worrying about her.
I found several Non Violent Communication groups in my area... I did not know they existed and the kicker is they are free to attend. Guess I found another GAL opportunity lol.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
