What do I do?

[sthelen]

yes, I have noticed a lot of times I feel WORSE after talking to him on the phone. I'll start to feel slightly strong/ normal (haven't made it to happy yet) and then he calls and I'm crying and hopeless all over again. There hasn't been a single conversation we've had in 3 months where I actually felt BETTER after talking to him. Hopefully soon.

[lovethehub]

STH,

I'm taking a HUGE step in my GAL on Saturday. My cousin is taking me skydiving! I'm terrified (and might chicken out!) but really looking forward to the awesome feeling I'll have when I land safely! smile

This is awesome! I always wanted to go but now I think I am too chicken (unless they shove me out!).

My husband read the first chapter of DR! I know that's a rule breaker...but he's told me he actually enjoys reading the stuff I send him. I've cut way, way back...but there was a lot of good information in the first chapter so I decided to take my chances. He actually read it and called when he was done to tell me he read it. He said he got a lot out of it but didn't elaborate. So, baby steps. I have to document the positives - not just the tear filled negative days.

I told my H I was reading the book and asked him to read it before I knew I shouldn't do that. He didn't, I don't think he even read a page but we were driving in the car the other night and I was on the site on my phone and he said "what are you reading?" I just said a story and he said "On DB?" Now I am wondering if I should change my Lovethehub to something else in case he decides to sign on. If he pulls the site up, my name pops up. I changed the stored password a while ago but he could create his own account and check out what I am writing! I don't think he is even supposed to know I am on here. He probably sees it in the browser history.

Hang in there, it sounds really rough..and I know you have heard this a hundred times already but don't be available every time he calls!!

[sthelen]

I'm totally chicken and they will have to shove me out...if I even get on the plane! I woke up at 6:30 this morning almost having an anxiety attack over it. I almost texted my cousin and said FORGET IT! But I fell back asleep and feel slightly less terrified now. For now...

I did miss a couple calls this week. And was slow to respond to his texts. Not on purpose even, I just keep my ringer off most of the time and missed them. It's so funny...well, sad. He is the world's worst at answering calls and responding...to the point that even before the bomb dropped I told myself, "you know what, I'm just not going to call him anymore!!" (should have been a sign to me!)...but the second I miss a call or a text he's freaking out. He got mad about one a few days ago and even said something about it's typical to respond when someone texts you. Ha! Really? Because you never do. I just let it slide though. Not getting pulled into an argument.

[sthelen]

Wow, well he is swinging wildly from one extreme to the other. I'm no MLC expert but it sure sounds like he's entering MLC. Unfortunately that could mean many, many years of this are ahead of you. Take a deep breath and prepare for the long haul!

And he's the one initiating the relationship talks almost every time he calls...he wants to know what I'm thinking, if I'm getting fed up and moving on, etc..

I wouldn't tell him what you're thinking. It's OK to listen and validate if he tells you his feelings, but don't share yours. Try to steer it back to what HE is feeling.

[quote]Sometimes I wonder if he wants me to get fed up and move on to save him the guilt of making the decision.

It's quite possible. WAS's are never sure about their decisions (even though they may act like it) and sometimes try to force the LBS into making their decisions for them. Don't take the bait!

I have done a pretty good job of steering it back to what he's feeling since I read this. He pretty much always just tells me he's thinking about it, processing, whatever. But, I've made a real effort at not giving him every single thought that goes through my head.

Also, I did finally ask him about the last thing...he's so worried about me meeting someone else and moving on. I finally asked if that's what he's hoping. He said no, never. I know, believe none of what you hear...

[sthelen]

I've chickened out. I am NOT skydiving. No way.

I miss my family. My kids went to visit my aunt for the weekend. I used to look forward to time alone in my house. I'm happy for the break from the kids...but my husband is supposed to be here. This is such a sad and lonely time.

I survived the 4th. My first holiday since he moved out. It was pretty depressing but I made it.

[lovethehub]

Hang in there..can't say I blame you on chickening out, my stomach just got nervous thinking about it! We will have to find a different way to GAL - or maybe someone on here will make you go skydiving

[sthelen]

H is back from his solo trip out of town to "clear his head". I talked to him today for the first time since Wednesday. He said the trip was therapeutic. We talked for 40 minutes. Mostly just chatting about what we've done the last few days, trying to follow the rules...but he did ask about my therapy appointment today and I told him honestly what we talked about. I know it's not exactly DB but I have to be realistic...and we haven't discussed the R at all in 3 weeks. My feelings of resentment and abandonment are building because he has walked away and left me here dealing with 3 emotional kids that have heard family members say we're getting divorced, the house, the pool, the crazy in-laws (they're right next door), my own emotions because this was totally unexpected, etc... And he's just living the life of a bachelor. I did not sign up to be a single parent. I am doing my best to lovingly detach...but my kids shouldn't have to!

And he's still telling me every time I talk to him he hopes we can fix this...and if my resentment keeps building it's going to be a lot harder to fix. If he really wants to fix it I need to see action, not just words. I told him we have to find a balance between me giving him his space (which I think I'm doing a great job of and he agrees) and me getting enough support to not feel totally abandoned and dumped and like a single mom. He agreed and said he thinks he's ready to start therapy with me.
He said to send him my schedule for the next few weeks so he can make the appointment. So, fingers crossed. I put a lot more research into the therapist this time so we don't end up with another dud...I hope he makes the appointment soon. He told me at the end of May he was going to and every time I mentioned it after that he accused me of pressuring him. June 16 was the last time I mentioned it.

Also, I know, believe nothing you hear...but he did say 2 things on the phone today that he has NOT said since BD...I just let them slide, pretended like I didn't notice. I do follow some rules.

1 -- he said he misses me. He hasn't said that since he moved out. He also said he misses my emails...I was sending him marriage articles, etc... in the beginning but I stopped that after finding y'all. He noticed.
2 -- he mentioned the future for the first time. I have told him since the beginning of this that I'm not staying in this house if we don't stay married...it's too big/ too much to care for/ too expensive/ too much of a reminder, etc... And he has also said he doesn't want to live here anymore if we do work this out (in-laws have gone nuts!). So, the house will probably get sold sooner rather than later. We mentioned it today and he said maybe if we work this out the kids and I can come live in his apartment with him while the house is on the market then we'll buy a new house. I had the same plan in my head but have never mentioned it. Today, he mentioned it himself.

So, tiny, tiny baby steps.

[sthelen]

Hang in there..can't say I blame you on chickening out, my stomach just got nervous thinking about it! We will have to find a different way to GAL - or maybe someone on here will make you go skydiving

I mentioned skydiving to him today. He's glad I didn't do it...he pointed out my life insurance wouldn't pay if I died that way.

[sthelen]

Oh, and also...I have a 4 hour round trip to drop the kids off at camp on Sunday.

Every time we've talked about it before I was going alone...today he offered to go with me to drop them off.

I don't think we've spent 4 hours together in months.

I need to brush up on current events or something so I have something to talk about. I can't let him know this has been consuming my life.

[sthelen]

How do you deal with the loneliness?