just have to say- this "journey" we're on. it's so "same"ie for us all -isn't it.
you just had me crying about the hermit crab & then with the "love never ends". i feel it too-
i just don't know what h feels. my h- the trips - being nice on phone (when he's happily having wonderland with ow - so feelin generous & (what?) making sure i'm still there - while he's with her???? always coming back here to "visit me becaue he likes my company" - wtf????
back once i heard "happy" in his voice (a surprise revelation) - when he was talking about talking to his cousin on phone (another ow - ick ick ick) and felt sick to my stomach- with the knowledge i hadn't heard that in his voice in along long time with me. . he says she's gone-it's the old scretary now- oh God - howlong do we fiddle aorund with this stuff??????? anyway-
Gosh- it's all soooo - up and down. i hear everything you guys say and feel and find myself in same old boat - cutting his hair... i used to trim him too- he hasn't asked in awhile- i got ratty when he asked for advice hemming a pair of pants last trip -
i'm nice -i just said i'll do it - easier - then REALIZED wtf - but REALLY - had to say "so, you're askin me for help so , what? you have something to wear on a date with someone else?)" oops - it slipped out- bit of an "exchange- butnothing huge)"
idk- it's sooo long feeling isn't it. but then- YOUR LOVE NEVER ENDS - ETC. - in the background of my mind i feel same as you- and i wonder - and i have that little morsel of hope - dawn's "lighthouse" thing-
my h hugs me and kisses me when he leaves (not giant passion- but fond i guess) (every time) many many many times- i alwasy wonder what he could be thinking- why he'd even want to if he "wants less of me " in his life???
it's allllllll so crazy and the messages are soooooooo mixed - sooooooo all the time. he's unable to call me when he's seeing ow because if he calls from his cell phone he 'knows" i know. it's weird - i don't want to know him when he's with her.
idk if it's a good stand or a bad - but you know- i can't abide the thought and i can't hear his voice- i don't want to act okay when he's physically with her..
once (4th july weekend) before i ever knew he cheated- i was at shore in nj with my little neice- he called & was pleasant & chatty and i honestly thought ("oh God- he's passed some point and is pleasant & happy again") TO Myself and was happy & happy for him.
found out a year later he was with his stupid cousin ow in cal. - beginning of his affairs - hence the "happiness" -
it's been such an up and down of crappola _& finding out in retrospect things, what was going on - etc. always a surprise something new-
ya have to wonder how long we absorb it all - how long we can- AND THEN I HEAR ALL YOU GUYS OUT THERE TAKE VOW, REACHing,linda, bea, urunworthy, allllll of us , talking it over - DOING the same thing- feeling the same things- hoping the same things-
now i'm going to make myself cry. i haven't been able to really for about five or so years - since my sister died in 08 - alcohol. maybe it's a good thing - idk- it's just popping out of my head lately and surprising me-
i hopt it's curative God knows i've got turmoil inside all the time -
maybe it will calm me down- ya think???? THANKS ALL OF YOU ALL FOR SHARING YOUR STUFF- i have trouble reading it sometimes- makes me so sad (but soooo feeling part of a special group) -
that's all - i'm going to work on organizing my new life space & my "new life" etc.- it's okay and i'm on a roll. this messy girl is getting TIDY in life, mind, heart (i hope)
have awonderful day- and thanksagain everybody - it helps
