WH, in my state a D can be granted if it has been pending for at least six months, whether a settlement has been reached or not. I believe it's wrong, but that's how it works. It's a self-serving move. My H can remarry, buy a house, etc. I will lose my medical benefits and any leverage I have in the settlement process. My H will no longer have any incentive to settle. Doing so only sticks him with a long-term binding agreement. Even with those arguments termination is likely.
Wow GM I don't even know what to say about that. Does your new Attorny have a strategy? Can't you get a continuance or something since you have a new attorney?
I am hoping for the best!!!
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
That is terrible - where I was divorced the judge would not grant the decree until the financial settlement was agreed (you can waive that, but it is a decision that can only be made with agreement on both sides). So, no financial agreement, no divorce.
I can see the a reform of the divorce laws was needed, but now imho it protects those who want to leave, without asking any hard questions about WHY, and how the remaining spouse is going to manage financially and practically. So wrong. We can't break business contracts in most cases as easily as we break an agreement to a lifetime commitment.
I know exactly what you mean about our spouses being more immature than their kids. Mine were all adolescent/young adult when he upped and went, and they were all a lot more adult empathetic and perceptive that their father, and remain so to this day - Great for me, in that I have three amazing sons, but not so good for them to have an idiot for a father.
I was distressed at first about being divorced, but now I am relieved not to be associated with his madness. Curiously since divorce he has become a lot more financially responsible than he was between bomb drop and divorce.
I think he realised that the pot of gold was limted!
Bea, I agree that D reform is needed. There is just a general lack of self responsibility and a whole lot of entitlement in our culture. My H definitely is more protected by the court system than I am. It doesn't matter that he abandoned me and the boys. My H was free to pack one suitcase and start a new life. I was left managing our old one. My life just keeps changing and not for the better. I will have to continually give up parts of my old life and make adjustments to create a life that works for me again. It has become all about my financial survival, not my needs or happiness. And above all of that I want to consider what's best for the boys. The court could care less about any of it. The court's job is to split everything down the middle, including the kids. Nothing else is taken into consideration. It's classic enabling, if you ask me.
Yes, it isn't until you have been through the mill that you realise that what was intended to be 'fair' is anything but.
And if another person says 'Oh but in the old days people were tied together in unhappy marriages' as if that somehow justified the present mess, in which the one who is essentially breaking the contract suffers no penalties and actually benefits. Try that in a business environment!!
I guess I let go of the need for fairness a while ago. I just want to survive this. I want to give the boys the very best that I can. I want that for myself too. I hate that my H has the power to sabotage that. More importantly, why does he feel the need to interfere with my needs and those of the boys? He's living the life that he chose.
MLCers have a huge need to control - they are out of control but they want to control others. To us they appear to be living the life they have chosen, but they are not happy, and that bothers them.
As for fairness, well, a system that is fair is one that we can respect. We may not be going to get it from the current system, but I think while life throws stuff at us that isn't 'fair' our systems need to be, if that makes sense?
The boys and I spent the evening with my parents. My mom is not doing well and this was likely her last 4th. We watched the fireworks from the front yard and talked about all the years we pulled the boys in their wagon down to the big field were the whole town gathers to watch the display. There was a somber mood this year. Impending death and D. The whole family is grieving. It's just a sad time. I wish my H would show us some grace and just let us be for awhile.
GM, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I'm glad you and the boys spent some time w/her yesterday. It does mean a lot to her. Unfortunately, your h is in his own little world and his empathy chip is broken. I'm sorry he's still acting like a deranged idiot, especially right now w/your mother being ill.
I do hope you have a pleasant weekend. Please do something special for yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am having concerns about my new attorney. I retained her over a month ago. The action plan was simple. She was going to make a settlement offer based on the last one that was sent to me. It should have been sent weeks ago, but I found out that it wasn't sent until today! I am floored. I can't believe this is happening again. The hearing is on Monday and my attorney can't possibly be prepared. She doesn't have enough information from me. We've only met twice and both times we talked about settlement language. Now she's suggesting that maybe we should just forfeit since the motion for termination will likely be granted.
I'm feeling so frustrated and afraid. I don't feel like I have any protection. What am I going to do? I am completely overwhelmed by this and the fast deterioration of my mom. Throw in the logistics of being a single, working mom and a breakdown is imminent.
