Thought I Was Piecing, Now I'm Detaching 4

[25yearsmlc]

PON,
your focus on her is pretty big. Most of your GAL is about dealing with her or your "issues" and in some ways they are great healthy meetings but there is an undertone to your GAL that makes me feel as if they are mostly coping skills you are trying to get to cope with your w.

Nothing "wrong" with that, but it's NOT GAL. IT's you working on childhood issues and learning how stop being co-dependent on her, learning to lessen your fears and anxieties...

and Gabbys right...except for the open mic nights, ALL of your GAL is about you learning to be stronger and less fearful.

I won't even pay much attention to your GAL excuses. I mean yes you are busy but you are not unique in that. I suggest that as soon as you feel strong enough not to need so much support to learn how to cope with your w and not be so co-dependent, I hope you will do a true GAL thing.

Maybe Trade a meeting for a NEW GAL thing that is FUN and NOT ABOUT your w or people like her controlling your life. B/c in a way your life is STILL about her life...meaning you are making your "GAL" about how to deal or heal FROM HER...or your mom or dad, etc.

See you are co-dependent on her BIG TIME and it's great that you get that. But when you make your GAL activities all about you learning about how co-dependent you are, she's STILL the topic and focal point of your life. So I think that's ironic and maybe NOT a little wacky. Just think about it.

Join something, take a class, (& HIRE a sitter so you can GET OUT of the house and not impact her. you have the money for one, so do something other than meetings, SOON). You will find that the meetings DO tend to be about the same thing. I have gotten a lot out of them, but there comes a time that you have to "Graduate" from the co-dependent meeting and the "how do I handle My spouse NOW? themes... if you know what I mean.

NEXT

you say you want to confront about the OM and the texting and that you "won't tolerate it".

On one hand, who cares what your uber distant cold w is doing? OTOH we know, YOU CARE and you feel it's disrespectful. I get that.

HOWEVER, how are you going to "not tolerate" it? You'll tell her...what? Not to it, not in front of you, not in the house, not that specific guy, what? Tell her that it "disrespects" you? If you focus on one particular guy of course this is the opposite of detachment but we get that you are not detached. You want to get your ba11s back, as Bond would say. And I get that.

SO, Okay you tell her not to do it and then what?

Based on past experience, she will tell you she does not care what you say. She is going to do what she wants b/c she feels separated now. Also, "you haven't changed" and "you are so controlling"...are you able to hear those words without "spinning"? B/c she will say them.

AND then when she says she IS going to keep texting them b/c she feels like it and "the marriage died long ago", what then?

So, unless you are going to file for divorce, what power or leverage do you have?

That's my second point. You are essentially saying that either your "wishes" and "requests" of her to change HER behavior are going to suddenly & magically be complied with now --(not likely)

OR

NOT...

and if not,then you will do WHAT? I am being repetitive b/c I want you to see where you putting yourself. In a corner. IF you want to set out a boundary that has a remote chance of working, so be it. You know it is not likely but who knows? ANd

if you are ready to file if she continues texting, then so be it, you are ready.

Are you? OR are you going to come back here and say "now what do I do? I TOLD HER not to text anymore and then she hid it but I snooped and she lied but if I tell her I know, she will say I snooped..."


SO WHAT IF SHE KNOWS YOU SNOOPED if the reasons for snooping are going to change YOUR course of action?

If texting OMs is a deal-breaker than I DO understand snooping...

if it's NOT a deal breaker than why are you bringing it up to her now at all?

HOpe this clarifies more than confuses.

(New computer which makes me feel illiterate. Sorry for any typos).

So are you really ready to file?

I happen to think it's the only way to SAVE your m, but I also doubt that is what will happen.

Then again, if you KNOW you cannot go on like this (and that is safe to say, obviously) then

I think there's very little YOU can do to change the situation except move on.

and PLEASE -at least once a month- do a real GAL with NEW people who do not talk about or know about your marital situation...I worked full time had 3 kids, not two, and one was an infant. My h was NOT a SAHH, And I lived in Frickin' Alaska...so no more excuses....do one thing that has nothing to do with her. And those meetings overlap a lot.

You can make one weekend a month or one weekend DAY a month, just about GAL...

Glad you had fun with the kids. More fun than if she had been there.

I was not clear aboutr your MIL's involvement at the cape but I KNOW she's not helping if she is seen by your w as interfering. I THINK your MIL means well but their R is so wacky and dysfunctional...

who does your w get along with in her family? Just curious.

OKAY have a great INDEPENDENCE DAY!!