BD One Year Later

[hopefulinga]

Change is upon us

Today is exactly one year from BD. The overall picture is pretty much the same, despite all of the ups and downs of the past 12 months.

I'm still at home, H has made no moves towards filing or scheduling any mediation or appointments to move this forward. While his over all demeanor and treatment of me is still below what I know I deserve, the D/splitting up doesn't come up unless he gets mad or frustrated with something/me. And he won't use any of those terms. He now says I'm holding his mortgage paperwork hostage. I told him I'd give them to him in mediation and I'm still waiting.

H is still spending a lot of money, despite the fact that he knows he's in debt. He's done nothing to change his habits. His one credit card is at the max as of today. Since he cut me off from paying business bills online, I've stopped looking at the balances to make sure he had ample spending power. He sees all checks that I write, so as a big boy, he should be able to add up his checks vs. his expenditures. He's spent over $300 from Saturday to today on food, gas and beer, which is what put him over the limit.

So, tomorrow will be interesting when I tell him not to use the card unless a payment posts tonight. I already know it will be my fault and I will endure all kinds of threats.

I'm still working on housing. I'm getting a little frustrated with the agency I am working through. However, I have to go through them to get the special state funding that I am trying to get.

D is now back to not wanting me to move even though she knows H is a jerk. She called him Oscar the Grouch the other day and almost bought him Grumpy the dwarf at the Disney store last week.

My GAL has been limited recently. I've been working a ton. I was teaching 2 classes at a time for 3 weeks and I've been working late in my office at least 1 night a week. My work has also interfered with going to AlAnon, which I miss.

I still have days when I am really fine with leaving and ready to move, and others where I want to see if I can stand a little bit longer. At this point, H is in MLC or some other crisis mode. He is definitely trying to run from his feelings and depression.

I've been doing my best to keep expectations low. I think I start to dread things like the interaction about the credit card because I am so over being blamed for everything, as if I was forcing him to swipe the card. And that is something that I just cannot validate. I refuse to validate any accusations against me that are blame shifting. I will validate feelings of not wanting to be with me, or other feelings. At the same time, I have to force myself to walk away and not argue over it.

So, same story, different year.