Tonight as H is getting ready for work he come's in my room where I am laying done due to a headache and says, mama...do you want the light off and the fan on, to which I said yes opening my eyes just enough to see him want to lean down and kiss me, he hesitates, stops, and says now it's comfortable in here as he walks out.
Wondering, why does he still call me by his lovingly given name when we had kids if he's so done being my H, and what is with the need to make me cozy and the instinct to kiss me good-by?
He has never calls me Dawn, even when he referes to me he says "my wife" to this day. But, he doesn't want a W. I know MLC confusion...but it's hard not to have some real facts to base this on. I am a fact person, who needs it spelled out.
I called him by his shortened name for 23 yrs, since BD I have only called him by his full name, no cuteness, and he has a very strong name that makes a person sound almost angry when you say it.
I'm not trying to be his little mama full of L with dinner on the table and kiss for her man, he can't stop seeing me like that, even in the face of my silence and borderline neglect.
Do I have to be like this for a long time, or do I have to WAW? Why should he make any efforts if his mind still see's everything is good? I don't like being uncordial, soon that will be fake and then what do I have, just the exact girl he knows I am, way too good for him.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
It's 3am and my cell rings, I pick it up because I'm a mom, eew it's EA. She's screaming at my H on the street to leave her alone. I'm half asleep before I realize what's going on....he's yelling FU to her repeatedly. I don't know that person!
Thank God I am detached...I hung up fast and have no anxiouty or anger at all! I feel so free of this, like it's not happening to me because its not, it's happening to him!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
yuck- what a wakeup call - middle nite! sounds soo rocky for hm and ow- makes me glad.
idk about him "tucking you in" other post. he cares - it's all it could be. my h- gets out of bed and never looks back. he snuggles over sometimes for a back scratch or just tentative touch at bedtime - always makes me wonder wtf he's thinking, wanting, doing????? idk dawn
i just try and be pleasant, affectionate (a very small bit) i don't know what he's wanting- he's going to have to be very clear before i dive n anywhere with him. it's sad & i wonder if i'm supposed to be "reading his mind" with everything in life.
i did that for 38 yrs - it hasn't worked out so well. now, i try and not anticipate anything or assume anything.
how the heck else to be??? is it detaching? even a bit???
SO did ow "butt dial" you and nobody knew you were called? do you think? i'll be curious what it means or comes of it- or if you find out.
i hope your fourth is nice and you do go walk over for fireworks, etc.
i saw them in our town las nite with girl i walk with and her H. they're nice- i felt bit like a 3rd wheel- they're v close & it reminds me of me and h and how we communicated and felt wth eachother-
i want it - makes me feel envious to see it up close & remember allllllllllllllllllllll those other 4ths of july and fireworks. wonder if h will be sitting somewhere w/ow holding hands and saying ooooh aaaauuhhhh at the fireworkds.
wonder if he'll have a thought for me and allll those years.
ya do wonder - donja??? oh well- gonna have an okay day i hope - so back to the cleaning out-
have mountains of stuff - trouble letting go- but determined to pile it in garage or somewhere OUT OF attic, closet, etc.
will deal with actualy final let-go later. for now- some difference inside house - some how - some way
BTW - NO, I AM NOT IN THE least a hoarder, nothing piled in ourliving space- it's pleasant and tidy- just an attic & garage (and cellar one tiny bit) with some big junk festivals going on- craft supplies & inventory-
too much clothing & fabric in attic-
the usuals i think- but now it's on my nerves and i am ready for a change in space-
so onward & upward with that- maybe i'll go over and help mom cover her couch- it's functional - easy & good tolook at something new for a change. yay
hope you're okay and still free of the turmoil in h's life.
hang in there- YAY- INDEPENDENCE DAY (uh hem -m aybe??)
"Tonight as H is getting ready for work he come's in my room where I am laying done due to a headache and says, mama...do you want the light off and the fan on, to which I said yes opening my eyes just enough to see him want to lean down and kiss me, he hesitates, stops, and says now it's comfortable in here as he walks out.
Wondering, why does he still call me by his lovingly given name when we had kids if he's so done being my H, and what is with the need to make me cozy and the instinct to kiss me good-by?
He has never calls me Dawn, even when he referes to me he says "my wife" to this day. But, he doesn't want a W. I know MLC confusion...but it's hard not to have some real facts to base this on. I am a fact person, who needs it spelled out. "
aw Dawn, you'll make yourself crazy trying to figure out why a MLCer does or does not do something. Your poor H is SO confused. He loves you and his family, and wants to be with you. I have often felt like kissing my H when he's sleeping, and admit I did the other day when leaving for my overnight job. He was asleep or pretending to sleep LOL and I kissed his forehead. YOur H wants everything and nothing.
"It's 3am and my cell rings, I pick it up because I'm a mom, eew it's EA. She's screaming at my H on the street to leave her alone. I'm half asleep before I realize what's going on....he's yelling FU to her repeatedly. I don't know that person!
Thank God I am detached...I hung up fast and have no anxiouty or anger at all! I feel so free of this, like it's not happening to me because its not, it's happening to him!"
Holy crappola! Why the hell do you think EA called YOU in the middle of a fight with your H? That is totally bizarre! I'm sorry you had to hear that side of him, but am so so proud of you Dawn Marie, to be so detached that you just hung up and did not get an anxiety attack or something like I would have! Now....does he know that EA called you? Has he mentioned this?
You're doing great! You're my detachment role model! Thanks Dawn Marie!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Is it really that bizarre? I mean, given everything else, is that phone call so bizarre? Or really, is it just unpleasant?
It's hard to say what he's told her. She may have seen herself as "fixing" him, as so many people do. When things went sideways, she may have figured she'd tell you about it not thinking of your side of things. Your view.
I remember one of my ex's EA's doing that. He was trying to fix her. He once told me that what he liked about her was that she reminded him of his wife before she went nuts (she decided after 15 years that she was actually gay and it was his fault )
I know this because I took the approach of keeping your friends close and your enemies closer. He's the firs guy she once tried to get to beat me up (like in high school right?) I still see him from time to time around town. He's not the first person to congratulate me on her being gone from my life - he knew what was going on. But he didn't know that it was her trip that he was hearing. He knew something was wrong and tried to help, in his way. He also knew she was trying very hard to get close to a friend of his. That friend's wife put a stop to that definitively. But that friend is the one that introduced her to the OM. To the ex, they are all as*holes now. Intermediate friends in the scheme of things.
The point is, you don't know what H told that woman. You may never know. She may see herself as trying to help, you see her as an EA, and he sees her as a friend and possibly more. And that's just one possibility. You'll torture yourself into a heap of goo trying to figure it all out. Better to not.
Hope you're feeling better and I hope you have a great Fourth!
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Your exactly right! He even said this, he also said he wants me, but doesn't want me to want him.
It not bizarre, it's EAs struggle w H becoming too much for her due to her own issues and knowing there is no reward in the end for her.
Like she said," even if I wanted him he's M, 4 kids, what would be left for him to provide me, it's your house, your money, your retirement and insurance, plus he vowed to never leave you, he L's you, always talks to all of us about your kids, but has to do his own thing....not w me he doesn't! " believe me he actually hates me, this is a hate friendship"! " you know I'm using him, he has to figure that out and hate it, hate my abuse before he's gonna stop coming around me"!
I am doing a much better job at not trying to figure my way into lala-land, I am so relieved at how good I feel after that! I have always kept my enemy very close!
H came home and crawled in bed, again I moved over, this time he followed me to the edge. His really just wanted to hold me! He whispered....this night job is boring like hell, it's killing me, I'm thinking of quitting...but I'm was looking at my hands, they look old I have old hands, who would hire someone like me. He referred himself to looking like Gandalf, from Lord of the Rings!
I stayed quiet and let him hold me, he called me his string....!
Thanks Nero, Linda and AJM for stopping by, you all gave me something to really think about and help me on my journey, at least to get thought today!
Happy fourth!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
interesting stuff going on in your sitch- idk... but you sound good with it all- reasonable & keeping it in the rite place in your head- so yay.
hope your day is good.
i'm floating today- nothing in particular to do . i could always drive over to next town over tonite and watch fireworks if want to. seems like alot of trouble- saw some fine ones last nite.
will see what i feel like- feelin lazy. lots around to still put away- dump(?) -
i was chatting with my sister in fl- about the kids, etc. - i got remembering what the heck motivated me about going to fla- i don't want to miss out on the babyhood of these kids - i want to be a part of their lives- i want to know them and i want them to know me.
my little great-neice - we've got alot of happy memories already - if i don't continue to make them happen, nobody else will. i love her & her little personality & company- she's at the age where they look at your face and stroke your cheek and think you look wonderful to them. who can not participate in that r if there's even one opportunity & it involves a bit of discomfort??? i'm askin ya.??? what in the world is more pure than a baby's love?
kids are soooooo worth it - they give so much back and ask so very darn (pitifully) little in return....
my h - idk if i'll feel okay or welcome or not there. i have keys to my sister's place- can always just bug out if i feel icky i guess. something to know.
it's something important to me he hasn't got a right to take away - well, i don't feel inclined to allow him to take that away. ta da - i KNEW there was a good reason...
hope your fourth is a good one- sounds like it will be and i'm happy for you. truly-
DM, you had a conversation with the OW? Interesting.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
H and I spent most of the day alone quiet, and then he spoke saying his “friend” is sad and having a hard time. Calmly, I said, “I don’t care…you had no concern for me on BD, but that’s ok, I am ok!
He said, “How can I care, when I am the cause of your grief” that makes no sense.
At that point I wasn’t hearing any more. I walked away! He came to me in confessional like manner saying, your right, I put my L for you very deep down and when I say I don’t L you, it’s from this guy standing on top of that mound of ‘’the guy your M’’ I buried to protect it.
I see the poison EA is, truthfully I am starting to hate her, I don’t know what to do with that, and I see you’re too good for me. I’m not getting w her, but I’m not coming home either, not because of you, because of me, I would be coming back to that loser guy who failed.
He said I care about my family, I failed my family, the least I can do is keep working to maintain this nothing of a life I worked so hard already for.
I didn’t say much other than your free to go on w your life, I am not silent w you because I’m waiting for you, I’m not investing any more of myself, my future, or my heart in being sad.
I went to my bed and laid down to sleep. He follows me laying directly behind me and cuddling me all night.
In the morning he turns over to hug me, kisses my neck, goes to the kitchen, does the chores and sweeps the whole house. Makes me breakfast and starts to be talkative, joking, and even teasing D19 (who is not having it) again.
He stares at me smiling, he says your glowing…look at you! I actually just looked up at him from a game on my Ipad, WTF!
What stage is this! He said EA is very clear to him now, and he is starting to care about the damage she brings him. He said he wanted to put a gun to his head, he was that done w life, he’s that bored w life. That’s why I let him talk to me…and hold me I guess!
It’s almost like he’s teetering but doesn’t except yet that life has up’s and down’s so he can’t commit to recovery in fear of a down. He seems to suffer from adjustment disorder, aka MLC I guess, but he can’t adjust, and even fears trying in case he fails.
I feel like if I were to make a sudden move, I would change the dynamics of where he is teetering, so I left to GAL w D19 and am trying to stay away as to not scare the wounded animal.
One more thing to ponder, he continues to swear he has been faithful since A few yrs back. He does want to be w me, and I am not sure does that hurt or help a M in MLC. I have my boundaries, but can boundaries by pushed (as long as I'm not disillusioning myself) to test the air.
He's never been a very ''needy'' man, that was more me, but he seems to really want to be close to me. I'm not a swoony type of girl, so my heart is protected there. I just wonder if it helps to have a little part of ''us'' explored, even for just a little while.
I am still, thankfully detached from any idealistic thoughts and expectations!
Any thoughts!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Wow! You learned a lot about the turmoil your H is in. Letting him continue to figure things out including his own acknowledgement about OW is a gift to both of you. As so many have told us here on the boards, it isn't about us. You received confirmation of that.
Your H seems to be feeling a lot of shame. Hopefully he will move beyond it. Even if he's not asking, he needs forgiveness. He also needs time and space to come to terms with himself and what he's done.
I could be completely wrong, but that's what it seems like to me.
)