Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

I'm sure trying Goto! I'm just frustrated with myself, others have all these deep epiphanies or do this amazing self-work. I feel kinda lame emotionally compared. Whatever, I am who I am & I'm trying to do what I can to fix what I see I need to work on. I'm just slower than most.lol

I do see where I'm better than I was at BD, but I hoped I'd be more in control of my emotions by now...and more detached. Yeah, no.
Guess I just need to keep on trying. It'll work itself out one way or another.

I'll check out your threads.I know I've read them, but will need a refresher.I read a lot, it keeps me sane & makes me crazy all at once. Some of ther people here have it so bad, my heart breaks for them. At least my husband isn't being heartless & intentionally cruel. Not that that helps me feel too much better about this, because I hate every second of it, but I do realize how lucky I am for the fact that I'm not in danger, homeless, starving, or listening to him spew (much), or worse hearing how much he loves another woman!

[DigDeeper]

Hi demoted, I can understand what you are trying to say with all the fear of losing your H. I am still having that fear and is working hard on myself.

[Demoted26]

I'm sorry you are hurting Dig, I'll check your thread.

H got home yesterday, he didn't get laid off (yet, looks like the layoff was just one guy...his boss).
He seems distant, and in a strange mood this weekend... but then seeks me out to show me a youtube video, asked why I was grumpy (I wasn't, I was a little sad.. tried calling my Dad, & couldn't get through to the care center..is just missed calling hours by 5 minutes).
Its strange.
I'm struggling with being lonely & wanting comfort and love at the moment.
I hate not being able to just get a hug when I need one, or theres the joy of rolling over & touching him at night and feeling him pull away because I'm so repulsive . Yeah, stab to the heart.

Yesterday my car front clip tore, so the front end is hanging lose on one side! I'm upset, I love my car (used to be our big project & we showed it for years...winning several trophies). I mentioned this to H & said, can you look at it? We'll have to figure a way to temporarily fix it. His response? "Thats what boyfriends are for, don't you have one to take care of it"? I was shocked, and look across the table at my daughter who's rolling her eyes. She said, " she doesn't need a boyfriend, she has a husband who needs to fix it". Yay. This is a great start to his mini vacation. Strange, thats the second boyfriend comment in 3 weeks.
I give him NO indication I'm seeing anyone, and I have no desire to, honestly.
I don't get it. He's even been in control off my phone for various reasons twice in the last week. If he had his suspicions, he could have easily checked into it.

Later I mentioned I looked at how to fix it & my ideas. I can't physically do it, but have my theory on how it could be jerry rigged as a stopgap measure.
He replied,"I'll look at it dear,we'll figure something out".
I got the feeling he felt I was nagging. Honestly I just wanted to tell him I had a look myself & figured something out, but needed help. Oh well.

I'm not holding my breath he'll fix it for real. He used to fix stuff all the time around here, now it's very sporadic. I've been aking for 3 weeks that he give me the furnace filter that needs to be changed so I can vacuum it. It bites that I can't physically get it out myself. I know the AC would work a lot better & cheaper with a clean filter. It takes 2 seconds to get it out, but I'm NOT asking again. I will have my son our daughter get it out for me.
This just makes me realize how hard this is going to be when I'm on my own. I have quite a bit of physical limitations. No one seems real interested in helping me. They only did when I was nearly bed ridden. Now that over improved, they seen to think I'm milking it or something. I wish. The doctor doesn't hand out handicapped license plates for no reason.

I was also talking to H about somewhere we went last winter (indoor flea market). It was shortly after the BD, when his friends ruled his every conversation & most thoughts). He had no memory of going. I know how deep in the fog he was in that time, thank god its lessened..but he's still not the same old guy I knew. I sure miss him.

[mtb1981]

Hey Demoted!
Just read your sitch and mine is kind of similar in a few ways. My wife left about 5 months ago and started staying with her uncle 2 hours away and got a job there. She has been coming home on weekends and staying with the kids and me. It sux bc I know that the job is one of the things that is keeping her from coming home for good. And like you, I'm having a head time detaching as well. I feel like a safety net a lot of the time, but I know my sitch is much better than most I read about on here. It's hard whe she comes home, is affectionate, tells me she loves me. We get along great and it's like everything is fine, but she still won't commit on really working things out. A few times I have asked her what she wants, and she always tells me she is confused and doesn't know what she wants. I guess we just need to be patient and be the best versions of ourselves we can be. Hang in there. Focus on the positives.

[Demoted26]

Thanks MTB. Sorry you too are in this sitch, its so hard! At least you hear "I love you". My husband told me he doesn't love me, and thats especially crushing because he knows i onlyhad 3.people who admitted to loving me in my life...him & my kids. The kids haven't said it in over 10 years & now him in more than a year.
It's a hellova lonely world feeling unloved.
Sigh. Pity party. My dogs love me.

[mtb1981]

Hey, i got the ILYBNILWY speech. It took awhile, but after she started to notice the positive changes I made, she started telling me she loved me again. But then again, they say to believe nothing you hear and only half of what they do. The words are easy, but the actions are harder and I'm still waiting on more action on her part. But I keep seeing positive baby steps the longer I stick with it. Just stay strong and focused. Detaching is hard, but I am starting to see that once you realize most of this stuff is out of your control and just go with the flow, it becomes a little easier day by day. No sense in worrying about something you have no control over. I'm just trying to be the best I can be. That's all I can do. In the long run, I hope she realizes how awesome I am and we can be together 100% again.

[Demoted26]

Mtb, thats the perfect attitude! Glad you are seeing progress !!
I'm just down this week...I go back & forth on what I think, how I see things unfolding, etc.
I am seeing baby steps sometimes too (or at least think I am), just this weekend is tough on me. 26 years ago we conceived our son on a 4th of July camping trip.
Thankfully, we are all together this holiday too.


Last night hubby asked me why I was so down. I got caught crying while cooking, he was outside working in the yard & came in unexpectedly. My eyes were red & he noticed. I said something like "just pms" to get him to leave it be. He said, "Your dad will be fine, you know. And he loves you".hmmmmm
Then asked if I wanted a sweaty hug. I said yes to the hug, but didn't lean into him much because he really was soaking wet.lol

It was nice...but most of my crying is over our sitch, not so much my Dad (hes doing pretty good). H never thinks I cry over us (?). EVERY time he sees me down over the last 8 months, he always assumes its my dad or he asks "what's wrong"?
Really? Probably just doesn't want to have a talk about the R. But really? Could he honestly be THAT obtuse?!

[Demoted26]

I dropped my phone & it shattered a couple if weeks ago. It still works, but has issues. Our family cell plan is ending in Aug.. Because of that D21 bought our S's used Iphone & plans to get her own plan (H had been pushing for that, her to become more financially self sufficient & she has been slowly doing so over the last 6 mos.). After dropping my phone again yesterday, I mentioned all this to hubby in line at the store, just casual conversion.

So, H asked me, "Is D paying for YOU to have a cell after Aug."? I just said, "No", then "I guess I won't have one".
H chuckled & it was our turn to check out...so, that was that.

It's little things like that that dig the knife in deeper. It hurts, he knows D can't afford it (& shouldn't have to). I could buy my own if I could get a job...but I've only had one interview so far & didn't get hired.

Been struggling with crying & PMA since. I will lose close contact with H once the cell is gone. Maybe it's for the best.

Just so happens the plan ends on our 26th wedding anniversary.

[chl0901]

Hi Demoted, I saw your thread so I thought I'd see how your sitch is going. I'm sorry your H is sending mixed signals and confusing you even more. It makes the whole thing that much worse. Have you looked into getting a cell phone through government assistance? Where I live, a ton of people have them (even though many could get one on their own, but that's another story). I'm not sure of the requirements, but have you looked into that to see if you would qualify? Just a thought. If not, maybe a "Go Phone" type of deal without a contract or plan where you could try and save a little each week to prepay for some text messages and minutes?

[Demoted26]

Thanks for the ideas, chl. Husband earns a good living, because we aren't officially S I don't qualify for anything. which is rough, because I'm living off about $125 a month for food, clothes, gas, and "entertainment". H spends that a week on food alone, then double that on gas a week. He works for it.


Today is sucking, theres a weird vibe in the house, AND...its 108, way too hot to do anything, everyone is edgy. We do have fireworks for later. Hoping that will be fun.
Everyone is grumpy, D is being very RUDE to H today. In fact, I'm in the bedroom & he just came in & said, " I should come hide in here". I asked why, he said, "It's obvious D hates me,I see the look in her eye (then he related something she said/did). I just don't understand! I didn't do anything to her to make her hate me".
I just listened & said I understood, and that she's very unhappy right now.
I've tried explaining to him once before that she is hurt & feels abandoned. He doesn't "get it".
Yesterday she was calling him an assh°le. Both S &I said, "hey!" at the same time. She is angry, I understand. He left her behind too, to deal with that &my fear/ sadness/"poverty" too.

I hate this. Maybe just moving out & me not seeing him, it would be easier for the two if us to heal?
D has already said shes written him off. I'm trying to get her to change her outlook, I font want that for them...not at all. She's super negative, and it eats you to be that way. I see it eating at her...

She's mad at me too...told me I'm a doormat, need to move on, F him.
If only she could understand.it's not that easy.