I read something the other day that said 'too much analysis shuts down your intuition and replaces trust with fear.'
Pretty interesting I think. I can over-analyze like no one else! And then my imagination runs away with me and everything my W does, says, doesn't do or say, has some hidden alterior meaning/motive.
Oh my goodness how much can I relate to this statement... I'm the king of instant replay even in slo mo...
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
JOURNAL: My younger sister left. What a great visit. She was so sweet to me and my W. We all had a great time. So yesterday it was just the two of us. It was a fairly good day. We did nothing! After a week of entertaining it was nice. Here and there throughout the week we have had conversations. I haven't been perfect and neither has my W. But we communicated well. Honestly I more effectively than her. But she is doing better.
She told me the AP emailed her. Then later she admited she lied and that she emailed the AP first. She wanted to know why AP had defriended and blocked her on FB. So I was lied to again. In asking her why?... she said something to the effect that she has lied already so much that until she commits to me fully that of course there will be small lies here and there. I simply repsonded with, "Is that the person you want to be?" I know this comes off as superior and righteous but I recognize that I was hurt in the moment and also frustrated. I need to be more aware of this tendancy when we speak and not let emotions control my words. The rationalization and justification of her actions continue. It's really sad to watch.
At the worst point in our discussions she told me "we weren't together" so what goes on between her and the AP is "none of your (my) f*ing business." That one released the banshee in a fury. I don't even think I know everything I said. I composed myself within about 10 minutes though after leaving the room to just sit and breathe. Strangely enough we recovered as a couple and had a really good time together bowling that night. We even flirted. Odd. The next day I apologized for my reacting and expressed that my feelings were hurt with her statements. She apologized and said she didn't mean it and would think about why she said it. Later she came to me and said she was angry and hurt by my decision that feels like an ultimatum and wanted to hurt me.
So here we are. The AP has said no more A until she divorces me and I have said I am removing myself from the marriage under these circumstances. My W said she told the AP via email that if she doesn't come to her this week that she is letting her go.
When we were discussing her contact with AP and her lie to me, my W told me: "If I stay here to work on the M and go to counseling then I will give you all of my passwords to all of my accounts and be an open book." This surprised me. I have not mentioned counseling so it kind of shows me that she knows a little of the work she will have to do in the marriage.
Last night I had a nightmare. The nightmare's stopped a while back but now that my W is closer and I have made my decision and know that I will keep it to take care of myself, my fear has manifested itself in my dreams again. It was a dream scenario of her leaving this week in a final decision to be with the AP. It was a painful uncomfortable dream but I didn't wake from it panicked as I had in the past when the 2 of them haunted me night after night. I recognize it as a real possibility, I don't want it, but I want the life I am living now even less.
Sometimes I look at her when she's not looking. I just sit and stare at her. I feel sorry for her. For how her choices have hurt her and affected her life. I think to myself that if the AP is what she chooses then it really is what she deserves. It's not wishful thinking or vengeance that allows me to see an unhappy future for the two of them. It just is what it is. Her world will eventually crash in on her in a life with AP. I hate that for her. I don't want her to be unhappy.
We went to pick up take out chinese together and in the final stages of our last talk yesterday she got a little hostile. I told her that I felt it was directed at me and asked her why? She said "I am angry at myself." I asked "why?" She responded "For everything I have done." I asked, "Do you regret it?" She answered "Yes." I reached over and held her hand the rest of the way home. We ate dinner and snuggled together on the couch watching tv the rest of the night.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Thanks everyone for supporting me and being a bunch of little ears to talk to! I am so thankful for each and every one of you. ((((((((((((hugz))))))))))))))
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Hang in there. Focus on observing who she is. Rather than reacting, think, "Isn't that interesting that she thinks/says/does that?"
We all have our embarrassingly bad times. I don't think the question, "Is that who you want to be?" is bad if you're genuinely seeking to know the answer. Then you get to ask yourself, "Is that who you want to be with?"
Yesterday was ok. We went to lunch. She was fidgity and bouncing and cried after we said loving things to one another. I found out that she was out of her anxiety medication and made sure I picked it up before coming home from work. She has been out and off of it for 3 days. Not the best move for her I think.
I went to the grocery after work. We walked the dogs together, watched some tv and talked about our days. Then we made sushi for dinner (her favorite) together before going to bed. She was pretty zonked out after getting her missing medication back in her system.
While we watched the tube, both of the shows we watched had adultery as a minor theme. Uggh! She was far more uncomfortable than me. When one scene took place she looked at me, rolled her eyes and said "Really?" During one of the commercial breaks I said to her, "ya know, shows like these will not always be so awkward for you to watch." She responded, "Yes they will. For the rest of my life." I said, "It just takes time."
She admitted to going through my internet search history and seeing that I had been looking at apartments recently. She didn't like it. I told her that I had no control over her actions or decisions and all I could do was be prepared to take care of me. I normally would not leave the house but if she does not commit to the marriage and leaves for the AP, I cannot afford the mortgage alone and will have to put renters in it until it sells... so I have been preparing myself and getting information on places I might be able to afford.
A specific complaint that my W had about our M in the more recent years was that we got too routine. We didn't go out and do new things like we used to. She was right. We got comfortable like so many other M's and she was bored. So a 180 for me is to try to include her in some of my GAL activity. I invited her to go with me tonight the a craft beer tasting and then dinner. She accepted. She enjoys craft beer and a local exchange is going to tap a rare beer tonight and I thought she might enjoy trying it. The thing is... craft beer tasting, brewery tours, etc... was "their" thing. The AP got my W into it. It pretty much consumed all of their "dates" in other cities visiting these places when on the road for work. And now she is a fanatic!
I don't want her to lose that. She really truly enjoys it so I will try to be a part of it for her. She suggested a restaurant for dinner afterward and now we have a date. I will be tabling all R talk and just enjoying the night.
Intersting note: yesterday evening I reminded her that the rare tap was only from 5-6pm and that gives us 30min. after I get off work today to get there. She said "Are you sure you want to go down there? What if I don't like the beer?" It felt like she was being lazy. Like she just didn't want to get up and out. Could it have been AP woes? Maybe. But I chose not to assume. I went with my gut and said, "I know it's hard sometimes to get out and about when you don't feel up to it but it's good for both of us. We'll be really glad once we get there. It'll be fun!" She said "I know. Yeah, you're right."
So here we go. I am going to focus on work and ride the waves as they come to me today. I keep telling myself that I have time. Just to sit in where we both are right now and breathe. She knows my decision and she hasn't chosen to leave. She might, but right now, today, she hasn't. So I still have as Cadet puts it, "the gift of time" and I will use it wisely.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Honesty. Whoa. Be careful what you ask for. You may not like what you hear. But I needed to hear it. Lunch hour turned into lunch 3 hours. Talking. She just cries and cries. I tried to help her. I asked her to put words and empotions to the tears. After a little coaching on how expressing her truth will eventually make her and I both feel better, these are some of the things she said to me today. My head is still spinning a little bit.
- I feel guilty that I am here with you and missing AP. I don't think it's fair to you.
- I go back and forth on leaving or staying. Today I want to pack up and go to her.
- Being home with you makes me feel stagnant again like before and if I go to her she will teach me how to be a real estate agent and get me out of this rut in my life.
- I still have some resentment and blame you for my weight and not having a baby.
- If you want the honest to God's answer, I want to go to her and see if it works but I want you to stay here in our house in case it doesn't. (oh yeah... you read that right. She actually SAID what we all know they are thinking!)
- I know I fit all the molds for typical affairs but I think AP and I are different because we have known each other so long. I almost dated her 17yrs ago but we didn't because she was with someone else. (It seems their morals have deteriorated over the yrs b/c now infidelity is ok?)
- I know it shouldn't play a factor but she lives close to all of my family.
- Life with AP looks and feels like a fresh start and I think I need a fresh start.
When I said it all seems pretty clear and her decision was made she said:
- I don't know what I want. In two hours I will want to be here with you.
So I'm angry and hurt. I'm trying to control it and I did well in front of her. We're still going out tonight. But I am seeing red. I need some insight from someone who isn't spinning befoer I spend the evengin with her. I feel like I just want to pack all of her bags, say "enough already... grown up and get it over with!" I'm hopeless in this moment feeling like the sooner she leaves the sooner I get on with detaching and getting over her.
Nothing makes sense. She's bat chit crazy. How can anyone end up in this position?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? How can anyone (me) keep putting up with it?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Breathing, breathing, breathing.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Wow...that's a lot to take in especially when you are in the thick of it with W.
So I'm angry and hurt. I'm trying to control it and I did well in front of her. We're still going out tonight. But I am seeing red. I need some insight from someone who isn't spinning befoer I spend the evengin with her. I feel like I just want to pack all of her bags, say "enough already... grown up and get it over with!" I'm hopeless in this moment feeling like the sooner she leaves the sooner I get on with detaching and getting over her.
Your feelings are understandably valid and you do have every right to feel them! This isn't easy at all. What you are wanting to see happen is for YOUR PAIN to stop right now so you are very much wanting to make the decision for W so that you can begin to heal. That would be a temporary fix and not the real solution. It will just cause much more pain for you two.
From what I've read here and seen in real life myself, the WASes will waffle and loop back and forth. That is the roughest part of DBing. It is hard for the WASes to wean themselves off from the OP.
Ruby had a great line to H when he was waffling between the OW and coming home: "My love for you is unconditional, but a relationship with you is not." Someone said somewhere in here that it is difficult to work on the R when there is someone else in the picture.
Let's dissect W's comments one by one. Here we go!
- I feel guilty that I am here with you and missing AP. I don't think it's fair to you.
I am sorry that you feel this way. It cannot be easy on you at all. It isn't fair to us or to the marriage when there's someone else in the picture. My love for you is unconditional, but a relationship with you is not.
- Being home with you makes me feel stagnant again like before and if I go to her she will teach me how to be a real estate agent and get me out of this rut in my life.
It looks like W is blaming you for her feeling this way. She needs to take ownership for her own feelings and situation. She can learn to become a RE agent while with you. The "rut" is of her own making since she isn't working and isn't actively looking for a job. You can offer her support in that area. Ask her what W would like from you in regards to the job search. Remember, you cannot fix things for her. The onus is on her if she wants it badly enough.
- If you want the honest to God's answer, I want to go to her and see if it works but I want you to stay here in our house in case it doesn't.
It looks like you want safety in case things don't work out with AP. I get that and it seems that you are feeling scared that things will fall out underneath you. I am here for you and for our M if and when you are ready to do the work. It won't be easy at all...there will be bumps along the way for the two of us. However, the reward will be well worth it. This cannot happen when there is another person in the picture.
- I know it shouldn't play a factor but she lives close to all of my family.
We can agree that family is important to the two of us. Ideally, we would like to live near our families. Physical proximity is not as important as the heart connections with our sisters, parents, etc. We are a family and we just had fun times with my sisters when they were here. Distance doesn't matter...it is a person's perspective and heart-connection that counts when it comes to family.
RT, there are some clues that tells you that W feels unsupported by you (right or wrong).
- I still have some resentment and blame you for my weight and not having a baby
We all know that a person's weight is something we cannot control. What's happening with the baby part? What is W's thought process in regard to these two issues?
Life with AP looks and feels like a fresh start and I think I need a fresh start.
Marriages go through cycles and they do sometimes get into a rut. Validate and own your part of the rut...say that you recognize your role in that and you're working on addressing it. Ask her what a fresh start would look like to her. And listen quietly and carefully.
I am sure others can give you more useful information and insights.
RT, before trying to go out with her, take some time to sit with your feelings. Focus on the pain and fear beneath the anger. It won't pass until it gets the attention it needs.
After that, try to be grateful that she is being honest with you. Only because it's better than not knowing. You need information in order to make the best choices for you. Take care of you.
Right now she's not in any position to be in an adult R. That's not going to change until she realizes that she has some work to do and decides to do it. You can be kind and loving and even helpful, to a point, but there's no one there to have an R with right now.
Grieve that loss, for now. Things might be different in the future. For right now, think about how you want to deal with the person and situation in front of you.
