NERO here- don't let me float away anybody

[albamarie]

NEro, would you believe sir stupido crawled in my bed this morning thinking he's going to hug me. I jumped out of bed and got my day started! Then after my shower, I walk in the room w a towel, when he starts preparing the bed "as if" hum, I didn't even look in his direction, filled my hands w everything I needed, socks in my teeth and walked out "as if".

See they are really not in tune w us or what we are doing, or not doing! They are gone, all about themselves and not that bright anymore.

Your moving H's stuff is a great idea for you. Get it out of your face. He is a visitor therefor his stuff should be away. Don't know if he will notice, or get the hint, either way he may not say. I moved my bed inches of the wall on BD, it was in the center w two end tables, he has yet to say or figure out it's a bed for one, he just squeezes between the wall walking sideways, 2 yrs now.

So do it for you! It is your home...claim every inch and prepare it for your needs. What happens if you meet someone, he's gonna be welcomed into your home! Your dancing is gonna make you want more excitement, and it is out there, there is no reason why you should be thinking about life alone, I'm sure your a babe!

It was good for his great aunt, and great advise, but these days in modern time, your still quit a catch!!!

Have you tried skying the baby in Fl. It will help you stay in touch forever!

Got go sir stupido is walking around looking at our S22 bday decorations, Oh what...is today his Bday, FU H!

Ha, I'm good! Hope your good!

[nero]

hey hi-

eeeek- i know.

My H actually said that to me. He said that he cares about me and RT equally, but thinks that he has really actually never loved anyone, that he is not sure if he can love anyone.

cripes - sounds like something my h would say. sometimes i think they are afraid to REALLY just give in to it and LOVE... THEN sometimes i think they only love themselves- then someone does alot of psychoanalysis and says they secretly hate themselves- or their mothers (my h for sure), etc. etc., we don't know and they don't know- i'm pretty sure of that.


he hasn't said rite to my face he loves ow- (i've said it and asked rite out) he hedges - i saw it in the one e-mail i read. what a jacka$$ is rite. he throws it around. he ws telling two ow at the same time he loved them- HOW F'ING GENUINE is that? huh??? he was slathring it allover the place and this is a guy whose had trouble using the L word forever. I have some cards - a couple times a year he'd find a card that seemed truly well looked for and selected - saying things that were truly meaningful & loving and even sign it "yes, i do love you". it was ackward alwasy for hm and grudging- but there. sooo- written proof i'm thnking.

he's got alot of 'RULES" IN LIFE about what is too trite and overused (poor man) and it was one of them. he also hates anyone saying "i deserve" - and yet look at him- he seems to "deserve" to have it all. me, her, stupid ole cousin - whoever else there is he is lying about too-

blind blind foolish man.

I will stay with him in FL. hope it's not a nightmare - i have allll my "junk" of a lifetime still in the house we lived in- still "my workroom" - . Even at blowup i've slept in same bed - thinking why the heck should i be uncomfortable & shoved out of my life & home? it was wird- it's a wierd wierd world these days. everyone i know thinks (OMG HOW CAN YOU" ??) SOMETIMES i thnk how can i not- do i just slink away and give up my life, my home, my rights, my bed, my STINKIN BED??? WTF? without even a try? idk - anyway

wierd little me dealing with wierd little him and wierd ole mlc & wierder lifestyle we have now- .....you too - huh??

itsn't it amazing what a jerky & tragic turn for our happy little lives???

i think they're nuts - honestly. i don't know if it will ever go away- but im firmly convinced that if it felt like love and smelled like love and we both were having fun together- they DON'T GET TO SAY IT NEVER WAS LOVE. TOO text book mlc talk from mwd books. i'm thinking if she's got 30+ years advising people & dealing with this stuff- if she says it's typical- i'm going with it.

I alwasy felt if he ever just could unclench a bit and let go and just immerse himself in "love" and life and me and us - he'd just be a happy guy and it would be a perfectly great life forever. unfortunately- either it's mlc - or idk what- but he never vcould just DIVE IN AND EMBRACE IT. HIS loss in life. maybe last two years have been absolute hell - but i guess i still think it was worth it to feel love and give love sooooo unstintingly. i'm glad i could be thatkind of person. i feel sorry for his poor little stingy heart if he can't.

oh well- maybe he's still in there- maybe your h is too. we'll find out someday

they're like those damn black walnuts that are so hard and un-openable and kill everything around them. (darn squirrels leave them everywhere in my yard- hate them) then one day- ka bam - little tree beginning right out of their terrible hard shell. maybe they are in there ?? ya think

okay- glad to hear your voice today- i didn't dance cause my ankle hurt this a.m. (darn oldish age) gonna do it now-

i've just worn myself out thinkinb bouat this junk. room looks much better - still quite a way to go- but on the trail with a vengence. hopefully it will feel lke a new place a bit and perk me up that-a-way too. i'm absolutely sick of the clutter & 'STUFF". NOW, where does it need to go? garbage, donate, give someone, etc.

not yet scarlett- tomorrow is another day. i'm gonna try for the best life ever. today my mom called and we chatted a long time - her memory is going and it's bad sometimes. she was asking me about my dad's funeral (i was 18- graduation nite) and she was in her 40s, but couldn't figure how she couldn't remember anything about it. i told her she just shut it out - too painful- then she morphed into her dad's funeral - then somewhere else. it was okay tho- no bickering and she thanked me. talk abut what may face us someday.

ANOTHER great reason to make today good and make it cound. could end up not even knowing what the heck is going on and who you were/are, etc.... sad -

okay- we're us and we're ready to partyrock - everybody's shufflin -

xxoo

[nero]

hey dawn-

so happy to hear your "voice" today. you made me laugh twice right out loud - always a good way to start the day.

i like the sir stupido- AND I REALLY LIKe the mental picture of him squeezing down the side of the bed -

i bet my h would notice and have hurt feelings and as i say it - i am amazed he even feels entitled to feelings when no one else in the world has feelings worth acknowledgement. talk about his own world there.

i think alot of his dopey selfish mother- wonder what she feels to have not had her eldest son talk to her for 6 yrs or so??? but then - i wonder what mother ever COULD leave her 12 yr old kid with the nazi dad she was divorcing (because he was such a nazi) and just do it , without a fight, without looking back- crime & punishment huh???

oh man- you're doing great and yay. gives me hope here.

i want to achieve that place you are at - total detachment. i was okay yesterday all day- fell off the wagon about 9 pm watching tv alone- in tv room (i never do it really- just came in from walking wet as heck- downpour caught usa but it felt really good actually- was very humid &hot & we both enjoyed the soak).

anyway- just watching a british pbs mystery/kinda show- and blamp - GOT A crying jag- wow- where did that come from?

just feeling sorry for self- feeling like this will go on forever - ran up to attic and got down two white vintage chenile type bedspreads and covered the couch where he usually (lives) sits - it's good, doesn't shift at all because cushions covered separately from couch- looks different- maybe i'll not associate it with being "his room" & place to be.

See they are really not in tune w us or what we are doing, or not doing! They are gone, all about themselves and not that bright anymore.

i know you are rite- for the record - this business of two houses is bad. it was a huge mistake to allow it to get this way - my house your house. i keep thinking of all of us wondering how the heck our h's can just not remember how much they loved their lives with us. idk - sad thought-run away nero...

OH MAN- i know, i just can't get alllllllll the way passed it. your question - will the pain stop- i don't think so. i still feel this tweak of pain - i still want a "fix" - i'm having alot of sympathy for addicts everywhere. every person who needs to lose more than 30lb has my total sympathy- it's hard - or kick alcohol - or drugs - or love or dependence- i'm thinkin we allllll have something to kick.

i like bea's fall 53 - get up 54. my matra for today.

fell last nite- up & moving forward today- ta da

xxo and thanks for note- and you're inspiring me with your detachment & HUMOUR. I'M GOING TO THINK OF HIM SQUEEZING DOWN THE WALL ALOT ! v. good mental image - and not knowing- that's the funniest part. oh man dawn- wouldja ever have thunk you'd be here- doing this? accomplishing what you have????

you made my pma good today-

we can do this-

xxoo ((( )))) have a wonderful birthday celebration- i'm gonna celebrate 4th somehow & enjoy it if it kills us all.

fireworks tonite - gonna walk over with neighbors i walk with. should be okay

need to go change the endtable the couch faces also- i think change "art" on wall too. oh well-

HEY- last nite had glass or rose' with some oj in it and sliced strawberries - very darn good- could make that a habit if i wasn't sooooo uptight about drinking & alcoholics i have known & loved.

carrying on-

[albamarie]

NEro,

I wish we were girlfriends, neighbors, I would probably run to your house everyday for coffee just to see all your projects and garden.

Yesterday's cake was from Dexter (showtime cable show) it was filled w glass (sugar) and lots of food coloring, (he's a serial killer) and it was fun.

I ate lamb for one of the first times, it was good. I was a vegetarian for 6 yrs so yea, quite a shock to my system. My D19 is still one so she ran when I bit into the it.

Today we're watching fireworks also after the village parade. I never go, but I need to GAL right, so I will walk over if I have to go alone just to do something other than the same thing. See we could walk together!

Nero, your strong, you have strong idea's of what you want your life to be and I want that strength. You won't be poor or in poverty or even alone. You have come a long way and people love you, you not-h isn't gonna do that to you either.

He does have some tie to you, it's not romantic, or to be relied upon, but it's there. He will always know you (my H says that to me) this is new to you (2+yrs)
but it's not new to him, he's been at this a long time and he's there for you, he's not going to pull your life from under you.

NOw you, as do I, have to know how to move forward as life is today, not yesterday, not should have been, but happiness for today and tomorrow. It's doesn't reside in them, at least not in the very near future.

So enjoy you day into night with fireworks and wine!

Oh, I ment to write the word SKPYE when suggesting talking to baby in FL.

Sending love your way....I'm off to eat more cake...what kind did you make...I am gaining weight, but it's happy weight. This time last yr I was skinny and miserable, I'd rather have love handles and be happy!

[nero]

hey hi-

yeah- wouldn't it be great if we were in the neighboorhood? we could walk, coffee sounds great- just able to "checkin" at the back door anytime something great was going on or for show & tell or whatever.

oh mannnnn-

i was going to say to you- do you think you (and me too really) find it hard sometimes to pry ourselves out of the house because (in addition to being homebodies kinda gals) it's like, we're kind of "wounded" so like some ole animal we stay close to our lair(nest) whatever- where it's safe and we are sure and okay??

i wonder becaseu my sister called and said come drive down the shore with her for a couple days. i feel guilty because i thnink i should have gone- but on other hand- she's a bit much for a couple days straight. i feellike a rat to even say it out loud- and i was scrounging around in my mind to find reasons why not to go, so i begged off. part of it is that i am usually loath to go places sometimes. particularly if i'm not driving and i'll be "trapped".

anyway- it got me thinking of you saying you don't go get out much- one has to wonder huh?

i swear, i think we're just all animals together- doing what our instincts demand. nothin personal world- just business.

ya think?

fixed the couch and it looks v good white- need to find another bedspread to chop up (or something textured & white) for the throw pillows. gonna do that now.

changed the end table- it looks like pooh- need to change back or find something different. i swer- i cannot envision things in advance- have to actually put them in place, sit down and look and only then - can i tell if i like it or not.

i guess thatm akes me solely visual when it comes to creativity.

oh well- anyway- thought of the moment.

i fizzled on the cake - was going to make a banana cake- but i think the day is sliding by too quickly and it's hot now and i've got a mountain of clothing in bags on my bed that needs to get put in the closet for summer - or chop up - or chuck or something.

removed two giant straw cloths baskets of (clothing that needs an alteration or something before i can wear it) and i'm going to not put it back in attic. i swear- i'm going to de-junk my existence here. i mean it this time- for real.

anyway- needed to go thru all that stuff.

i KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN about happy love handles . i will never complain if i ever have someone to love and get tubby.

since i've been on the misery diet- i'm v. slim. half my friends say "oh - you don't look good, you look too skinny" (?????) wtf -usually the tubby ones. i mean - wtf? is there such a thing - in general, if we're to believe our eyes & magazines???

it's okay- i'm slim, but nothing is firm - it's all just gushy- eek - so i've got some handles myself if i wear a tight low hip waistband. ta da

DO GO AND WLAK TO VILLAGE and see whatever is going on. it would be good- i'm going to do the same- i mean it.

tonite i'll walk over to fireworks with my walkin buddy across st- & have some wine maybe. 4th - no particular plans but if worse comes to worse- i'll grab my mother & make her eat a darn hotdog- or drag her somewhere. i'm doing something and that is that- so you too.

the thing is this- nothing just makes me "happy" like looking forward to it- like my tail wagging. i know it's expecting a miracle- but i want my tail to wag again?????

how long before that??? i just got an e-mail from rutger's garden club about a couple things that seem interesting- think i'll sign up and see- ta da- still feeble attempts at gal-

well- they're official - but seem to me mighty feeble. this not working stinks- i was doing good when it entertained me all day.

if i can relly downsize the crappola - *( & feel my house is organized and ready to begin my new life (it's something like that- this need to get rid & redo a bit)

xxoo it's an okay day- and i'm glad to hear your voice.

if you were around rite now- i'd drag you over and make you a nice little (health7y) glass of wine & oj & strawberries and laugh like mad about out dopey sitchs & h's. i can laugh about it when i'm talkin to a friend- it's alone i mope-

xxoo happy independence day my dear!!!!!

[RosaLinda]

Oh Nero I'm sorry you didn't go to the shore with your sister. I hate to think of you sitting alone in the house like a wounded animal licking your wound. Glad you have a plan for tonight involving your mom and hotdogs! Have some wine too!

Today is S38's birthday. I seem to have "holiday" babies, and had S27 on my 10th wedding anniversary. Making myself melancholy remembering the old days when he was little, and we'd take him to see the 4th of July parade in town and he thought it was for his birthday. I guess all parents/people have these melancholy sweet memories, but it svcks when your H is a friggin MLCer and you cannot share your thoughts with them because they are as likely to turn and walk away as listen. Makes me so bitter sometimes Nero. 

So, get this. I am SO stupid. H just walked into my room to get my flute. I have to knock before entering his room. I said "I was just reminising how..." and he walked away. When will I ever learn? 

[Portia]

Hey Ladies!

Dawn, this was beautiful:

See they are really not in tune w us or what we are doing, or not doing! They are gone, all about themselves and not that bright anymore.

Says it all.

[beatrice]

Told you Linda

His brain's gone

I think they got Spock's back, but can't remember how . . . . Anyone a real Trekkie here?? Or willing to admit to it>

[nero]

hey hi-

1) don't feel bad about me - i'm not such a wounded animal anymore. if i were - i'd have gone no matter what i had to listen to (and for how long) eeeeeek - she's merciless . now at least - i'm making a decision that's a bit more rational than just ANYTHING WITH ANYONE.

tho, now that you say it- i'm inclined to be only a tiny bit like lassy laying in the mud when the snake bit him. cripes lassy- go get some stinkin help!!! MY H IS THE "lay in the mud alone" type when he's sick or wounded. all by himself- let me suffer and die alone - wah wah wah. grow a pair man - ASK and ye shall receive ...i'm not into martyrdom.

your H - oh geeez - how borish - if that doesn't sound like mine sometimes i don't know what. me me me me me me me me me

i swear to you- some day that guy will be beggin for a kind word or memory from you- if there's any justice in the world...

the memories - i know, it's hard isn't sharing your memories with nobody but yourself. i'm losing my holiday mentality of expecting excitement - now,if it's not "bad" i'm happy. good outlook - but sad i guess. we hate this "growing up" stuff.

i'm always sad when i think kids today know allll about divorce, infidelity, torn up families & lost memories, EVERYTHING. it's not fair- they're too young most of the time. . i'm glad i was happy (even if dopey) for 60 years before reality blew me up.

all this travelin talk has me thinking maybe i'll go in the cellar and find the pictures (couple hundred each) from Netherlands/belgium trip and last one to England. i was miffed coming home after trips with him and his stupid computer. ( i mean- stick a stinkin red wig on it and call it loverpie) why bother with a real person around???

anyway- that was long ago - maybe i can look at them without wanting to blubber - and fix the albums. just wham them in so can be looked at and enjoyed. beautiful countries & shots

think i will - it has me thinking of holland and the tulip, hyacinth fields- strips of fields hundreds of feet long, as far as the eye can see - - and maybe 10' wide or something of all yellow - then a strip of all red, purple, green, orange, pink, and smelling like heaven. and of course, a windmill sitting there being charming- it's really something unimaginable

it's soo lovely & . maybe i'll see - i'm feelin all brave.

i came home- h printed them and i put the whole mess in a bag in the cellar after trips (2008 - 2010) haven't looked since.

hope you have a good day and enjoy your memories with the holiday babies. don't be blue- i love the one about your son thinking the celebration was for him. i love children. they're soooo innocent & joyful. they can't take that away from us - the love & happy memories...

FIGHT THE "BITTER" thing MAN- THIS IS one thing i KNOW in life without a shadow of a doubt. better by far to stay soft & bleeding than even think of allowing self to go there.

MY MOm has embraced the "bitter" & angry m.o. (it's justifiable- but... it does nothing to make her feel better- quite the opposite - and she's "queered the deal" with all us kids- just the non-stop ranting & complaining and criticizing-

it's bad bad bad. think of something pretty - fond- kids - muffins, something- anything , and go to that place instead.

i'm not gonna be my mom if it kills me. nobody visits her because she's sending out that poison- (to her kids anyway. i just have inordinately large amounts of guilt for some reason & then, compassion, she's old & lonely. oiyyyyyy) -

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

you'll learn - but it's a sad lesson - not expecting a reply- not expecting to be a human being to him- it will pass or it will rectify itself- who can know??? me - i do not.

we need to stay ourselves - even if it's soft- don't let your edges harden (much like favorite cheese - it stinks when it's hard on the edges. you don't want to end up a hardened lump of stinky cheese do you?????


xxoo love ya - have a great day- do something and be happy (or try) -

[albamarie]

Linda,

I hate that they're so singular, until they want you! It's always so befalling to me how someone could just walk away from another human being, especially your own S, it said for better or worse...sickness and health! Maybe we need to legally memorize the vow before signing, and be held accountable!

Portia,

How are you doing in your sitch, your one of the strong independent one's I keep up with. Have a great day!

Nero,

You sound like you have some great memories. Don't count out making new ones! I'm not having an exciting day either, kids are all scattered w friends and significant others.

I made taco dip and am looking forward to S22 leaving soon so I can sit in front of his gazillion inch flat screen and watch the new OZ movie and stare at James Franko, yum!

H needs a lot of attention today, he keeps talking to me and after hugging me this morning I figured I'll give some attention. Then he said he needs to shoot himself by this weekend....he's so done w life! I gave him a sweat roll and said, here this might taste better than the barrel of a gun!

Ah, S left so on with my date!!

Chow!