Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

I'm sorry you are hurting Dig, I'll check your thread.

H got home yesterday, he didn't get laid off (yet, looks like the layoff was just one guy...his boss).
He seems distant, and in a strange mood this weekend... but then seeks me out to show me a youtube video, asked why I was grumpy (I wasn't, I was a little sad.. tried calling my Dad, & couldn't get through to the care center..is just missed calling hours by 5 minutes).
Its strange.
I'm struggling with being lonely & wanting comfort and love at the moment.
I hate not being able to just get a hug when I need one, or theres the joy of rolling over & touching him at night and feeling him pull away because I'm so repulsive . Yeah, stab to the heart.

Yesterday my car front clip tore, so the front end is hanging lose on one side! I'm upset, I love my car (used to be our big project & we showed it for years...winning several trophies). I mentioned this to H & said, can you look at it? We'll have to figure a way to temporarily fix it. His response? "Thats what boyfriends are for, don't you have one to take care of it"? I was shocked, and look across the table at my daughter who's rolling her eyes. She said, " she doesn't need a boyfriend, she has a husband who needs to fix it". Yay. This is a great start to his mini vacation. Strange, thats the second boyfriend comment in 3 weeks.
I give him NO indication I'm seeing anyone, and I have no desire to, honestly.
I don't get it. He's even been in control off my phone for various reasons twice in the last week. If he had his suspicions, he could have easily checked into it.

Later I mentioned I looked at how to fix it & my ideas. I can't physically do it, but have my theory on how it could be jerry rigged as a stopgap measure.
He replied,"I'll look at it dear,we'll figure something out".
I got the feeling he felt I was nagging. Honestly I just wanted to tell him I had a look myself & figured something out, but needed help. Oh well.

I'm not holding my breath he'll fix it for real. He used to fix stuff all the time around here, now it's very sporadic. I've been aking for 3 weeks that he give me the furnace filter that needs to be changed so I can vacuum it. It bites that I can't physically get it out myself. I know the AC would work a lot better & cheaper with a clean filter. It takes 2 seconds to get it out, but I'm NOT asking again. I will have my son our daughter get it out for me.
This just makes me realize how hard this is going to be when I'm on my own. I have quite a bit of physical limitations. No one seems real interested in helping me. They only did when I was nearly bed ridden. Now that over improved, they seen to think I'm milking it or something. I wish. The doctor doesn't hand out handicapped license plates for no reason.

I was also talking to H about somewhere we went last winter (indoor flea market). It was shortly after the BD, when his friends ruled his every conversation & most thoughts). He had no memory of going. I know how deep in the fog he was in that time, thank god its lessened..but he's still not the same old guy I knew. I sure miss him.