Still...mana mana, doo doo doo doo doo! Part 3

[Tallula]

After reading Labug's post, I have something to add. IC had me write out what I wanted in a marriage awhile back. While my H did have many of the attributes (eh, obviously NOT the fidelity part) one of the things that bugged me was during the week he would work, eat dinner and lay on the couch watching TV. While I like to take the kids out for "adventures". Sure, some nights I'm spent and don't want to, but this was a constant battle/complaint. I just felt really alone.

All we dicussed for him to move back in, was to help out around the house, cook dinner once a week (I work 3 days a week) and pick up kids one of those days. While there are nights, like last night, that he stayed in while I went out with the kids, he had worked 12 hours...he was engaged with the kids the minute they walked in the door, helped with dinner, read a book while we were outside, and the minute we walked back in took D2 and put her to bed. Most nights he is right there following us out for a walk, bike ride, what have you. He just steps up.

So last night we were both reading our books before bed. Which, is amazing that my H is on book #2 that IC has recommended since he has never read a whole book in his life. I was reading, but eating a snack too. I'd set the book on my belly and get a scoop of peanut butter and then a bite of my apple and go back to reading. Then I felt he was looking at me, so I look over and he has this look on his face with a tear in his eye. He goes "God, you are so beautiful and amazing. I just can't believe I'm here with you." Then he asked me to read a paragraph in his book. "This is exactly how I have felt my whole life. No excuses, it just is. I feel relief that now I have words to put to these feelings. I'm so lucky to have a safe place to try to work through this. Thank you." I read the paragraph. Tears just streamed down. God, it just makes me grateful that I grew up feeling safe. The book is about Shame and the paragraph basically said that you feel a need or a feeling, you are ashamed. He elaborated a bit "Like if we had money, I was ashamed, if we were broke I was ashamed. If I needed you to hug me, shame. If I needed to cry, laugh..."

I have no idea if I can trust my H again. I do see a grown up infront of me. I see his courage to really try to walk through this damage, with no excuses. Im doing the same, working through my own issues. Patience and time will tell. I will except no less than what I know I deserve.