Had much the same attitude myself and it did really make BD that much harder.
Same here. I always looked at my M as the bedrock that the rest of my life was built on. All the other stuff might crumble and fall and need to be rebuilt, but at least the bedrock would always remain. Looking back I can't believe what a fool I was. I've always told others that people are unpredictable and you never know a person as well as you think you do, but then I fell into the exact trap I was warning others of- I trusted that I knew my W and that she would always be there for me. That attitude led to complacency on my part, I was content to leave the M on autopilot because it didn't need attention. Foolish. I know better now, I'll never leave a relationship to fate again.
Anyway, I know just what you mean, BD was that much more gut-wrenching because I thought my M was the one constant in my life. I've learned from my sitch and from the many others here that marriage isn't a constant. It's not a guarantee. The person you married years ago can transform practically overnight into anything from an ambivalent spouse to an outright monster. So our bedrock can't be our spouse. It's got to come from within. That scares the hell out of some people, I think a lot of people are just afraid to look that hard at themselves because they don't know (and don't want to know) what's in there. But how are others going to like you if you don't like yourself? And that's really DB'ing- figure out how to love yourself, how to be happy and positive and content whether you're alone or with others. When you get there it's hard for others not to like you too, even if they are a WAS.
And to tie this back into Crimson's sitch- Crimson, I still sense a lot of codependence from you. I think you've come a really long way since the beginning of your sitch, but maybe not quite far enough. I think you still need to find a way to be well and truly happy even if you are sitting all alone in your house, or in the middle of a field, or in a cave. I think when you're alone you start feeling the loss of your W and S more acutely and you long to be with them, and frankly that's not healthy for you or them. It's OK to WANT to be with them, but it's not OK to NEED to be with them. To need them is codependence. Use this time away from your W to finish your journey and find that peace with yourself. I still think she'll be back, but I think for her to stay she needs to see a much more independent and strong Crimson then she saw last time.
Same here. I always looked at my M as the bedrock that the rest of my life was built on. All the other stuff might crumble and fall and need to be rebuilt, but at least the bedrock would always remain. Looking back I can't believe what a fool I was. I've always told others that people are unpredictable and you never know a person as well as you think you do, but then I fell into the exact trap I was warning others of- I trusted that I knew my W and that she would always be there for me. That attitude led to complacency on my part, I was content to leave the M on autopilot because it didn't need attention. Foolish. I know better now, I'll never leave a relationship to fate again.
Boy, does that sound familiar.
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Anyway, I know just what you mean, BD was that much more gut-wrenching because I thought my M was the one constant in my life. I've learned from my sitch and from the many others here that marriage isn't a constant. It's not a guarantee.
That scares the hell out of me.
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The person you married years ago can transform practically overnight into anything from an ambivalent spouse to an outright monster. So our bedrock can't be our spouse. It's got to come from within. That scares the hell out of some people, I think a lot of people are just afraid to look that hard at themselves because they don't know (and don't want to know) what's in there. But how are others going to like you if you don't like yourself? And that's really DB'ing- figure out how to love yourself, how to be happy and positive and content whether you're alone or with others. When you get there it's hard for others not to like you too, even if they are a WAS.
That's true, but it can be a tall order for some. A lot of work. But worth the struggle.
Yeah. I think you're right - I think I do battle with codependency at times. Oddly enough, I think a lot of it stems from putting so much faith and trust that my M would just "be there". Now this thing that I was counting on being so consistent in my life just totally vanishes and it feels like my arm is missing. Notwithstanding, my shock and angst from the "mini bomb" a few weeks is lessening and I am getting back to regular DB, single life again.
XW and I had made plans to do some work on the house this summer.....minor things, but I am sticking with them after previously going numb about them. S and I still live there.....so it matters.
Speaking of S, funny thing happened yesterday.....
So I was driving down a two lane highway through the desert yesterday on the way to see my parents after work. My S is becoming increasingly verbal at age 3 and usually comments on what he sees out of the window or whatever is going through his rapid-processing mind at the time. I always interact and try to get him to talk more.....then, out of nowhere, he hits me with this sharp left turn.....
"Mommy's coming back for you, daddy. Mommy loves you."
Now, keep in mind that I say NADA about my situation or feelings about XW to S...ever. And I am fairly certain she employs the same policy. So I don't know where that came from at all....but he neither hesitated nor stuttered. Probably was just him "talking".... but part of me wanted it to have meaning. And I will admit, there was a strange peace/calm that hit me after he said that. Of course, I also choked up a bit because that was such an amazingly sweet thing for him to say considering he doesn't know now much I miss his mom. I told him that as was a kind thing to say and let it go.
out of the mouthes of babes... very sweet Crimson.
As the others have posted, I too am scared to death of life without h. He was my total rock in all areas of my life, including my financial stability (joint business). We are both only children, and assumed that we would go through our parents together. I always saw us sitting on the rocking chairs together, content with our life. I counted on this!!!
Again, I agree. I feel as though I have lost my right arm. I am learning all over again how to trust my own instincts, desicsions and what I like without his support or suggestion on it. It sure is a tall order! I sure hope there is a cherry on top of our glasses !! ~~*CHEERS*~~
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
MM, you learn to make the most out of your one arm while you have to. Not fun, but doable. I try to hold fast to the notion that you never know what the future holds.
As for what my S said, still processing - and maybe I look to hard for some kind of divine peace or symbolism in the melee that I am in, but it really was strangely comforting even if it was just a toddler babbling.
Gosh, I'm starting to feel like I might have been the only one that saw that as a positive little blurb from my son! It really was sorta comforting and touching. Maybe because I was looking for it to be?? I don't know.
I really have been sticking to my guns on not initiating contact and remaining brief and positive when she does. She texted me yesterday about one of her friends and a trip she is planning (short text message) and I didn't respond. Right around bedtime she texted a picture of S playing in a splash pad at one of the really nice outdoor malls here and said "Beating the heat. Arizona version of a fire hydrant?" . It really was a great picture of him, but I fought the urge to reply and just went to bed. I replied quickly much later this morning and just said it was a nice pic of S and that we were probably at the mall at the same time that day. That was pretty much it. Though I still miss her, pulling back is getting easier......seeing her is still a little bumpy, but that is getting better too. I think I must needed time to regroup from this last little skirmish.
Looking forward to the holiday weekend. I will have S tomorrow and I have a friend flying out to visit through Sunday. That will keep me pretty busy. Then the weekend after that is my trip with S.
Have been doing a lot of thinking with regard to the R attempt and some things I might have done wrong and issues I might have prematurely brought up.
Thinking of you!! I follow you sitch, but don't comment too much.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Gosh, I'm starting to feel like I might have been the only one that saw that as a positive little blurb from my son!
It was, it was a very cute thing for him to say. I think the others aren't trying to play that down, they just don't want you to get your hopes up that it's a divine message or anything. That's not saying it won't come true though
