Thought I would journal a bit, let's see what surfaces. I'll start with something I wrote yesterday.
Things are peaceful with me, and that's a word I haven't often used to describe myself. I have some fear, sadness around my 20.5 year old who still has no direction.
My other son is in Canada for the summer having a great time. He got to experience real rain an flooding in Calgary. I miss him but I'm happy for him. I wish I was in Canada this time of year, so I guess I'm also jealous.
H is still H. Gets up, goes to work, comes home, eats dinner, goes to bed. (his words) He was here on Sunday, he and S20 worked on one of the cars. I want to feel sorry for him but I don't really. I think he's just where he wants to be. My IC has opened my eyes to the fact that H was telling me a lot of things with his actions during the M that I just glossed right over or got angry and resentful about. Filling in the blanks, as I call it. It's good tho because it shows me the work I still need to do, in slowing down, really listening and asking questions, even if I'm afraid of the answer. More of my control stuff being purged.
As we were working on the stuff above there was a point when I said to IC "I want to say, 'yeah but he...' but I know that I can only control me and working on his stuff is not going to help me." It does me no good to live inside his head, although I would like to get in there and clean house, just a bit.
And the dog, he's a mess. Old, losing his hair, trouble with his bowels and he has to pee all the time, think he has cataracts. Sound familiar? He ate part of a leather work glove the other day and then puked it up the next day. He's a mess.
I went to a music gathering at the home of a friend a few weeks ago and talked with someone I hadn't seen for couple of months and when she asked how I was I was able to respond "I'm great!" and really mean it. She gave me the side-eyes look and asked "A new man in your life." "No, I'm just happy with me," she replied, "That's even better!" I believe she's right.
Other friends are surprised at the resurgence of my sense of humor, it has been buried since BD. Before BD, much of my humor was full of sarcasm, I cringe when I think of it. I now know that I can be funny without judging or demeaning others. It feels good.
I still struggle at times but when I stop struggling and just trust, it gets better.
How's your day?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
