Nearly 5 years but who is counting?

[missmyfriend]

Still praying. Still taking care of my kids. I see the impact of what happened between my W and me causing ripples with my kids. Yes, people make poor choices but two kids still in therapy, being thrown of the course of education and "normal" directions are exactly what I have read regarding the impact of divorce on children, adding some poor lifestyle choices for my W doesn't help them. My children, while they obviously do love me, do not understand why my daily activities do not include dating, drinking or going to concerts or other "party" activities like their mother. The reason for me is that my family is still the second most important part of my life, first being my relationship with God. Since I am private when it comes to faith, they don't hear me praise Jesus or see me going from one Christian related activity to another. What they see is that I work (A LOT because my job requires it and my job has been tenuous for the entire time since my W left) and my off time is being at home.

I still believe that I have to ride this out. It is in my heart that I still love her. I cannot explain it. While I am not a person that stops loving a person, I am the kind of person that if someone doesn't want me in their lives, I stop thinking about how to be with that person. In this case, I still love her and it cannot be from me. When I feel hopeless, something comes across my path such as a scripture, a saying, a book, a movie, or a casual conversation, that tells me things are not what they seem.

And my W is worth waiting for. I've asked myself so many times, if it was 10, 15 or 20 years after my life collapsed and we were together again, would I regret standing AND WAITING, would it be worth it? I would have to say, yes. She was the best friend I ever had. She was an awesome mom. And she is still family, no matter that I rarely see her and our conversations are nothing more than polite. I only see her in what it has to do with the kids. She does seem done with me. She isn't mean. We never have bad words toward each other and I don't believe she says anything bad about me (anymore) to the kids. And I've never said a bad word about her to my kids (or anyone else for that matter).

So why do I wait? Because I believe that love is unconditional. I do believe that I made a promise to her and to God that I would love her for better and for WORSE until death do us part. Yes, I know she made a choice to leave. I didn't stop her and I do nothing to try and get her back. I don't look forlorn when I see her and I don't make little comments. And it is her choice to do what she wants.

My choice is to wait on God. He says to be still and to wait on Him. For those who aren't believers, I know you won't understand that. And that's okay. I wouldn't try to make you think otherwise but for me, I do believe and He has given me too many reasons and examples not to disbelieve Him. Things that have happened in my life are not lucky or fortunate but ironic and could only have happened by some parent that keeps an eye out for me.

And so I wait because I think He wants me to.

Thanks for reading.