My H actually said that to me. He said that he cares about me and RT equally, but thinks that he has really actually never loved anyone, that he is not sure if he can love anyone.
cripes - sounds like something my h would say. sometimes i think they are afraid to REALLY just give in to it and LOVE... THEN sometimes i think they only love themselves- then someone does alot of psychoanalysis and says they secretly hate themselves- or their mothers (my h for sure), etc. etc., we don't know and they don't know- i'm pretty sure of that.
he hasn't said rite to my face he loves ow- (i've said it and asked rite out) he hedges - i saw it in the one e-mail i read. what a jacka$$ is rite. he throws it around. he ws telling two ow at the same time he loved them- HOW F'ING GENUINE is that? huh??? he was slathring it allover the place and this is a guy whose had trouble using the L word forever. I have some cards - a couple times a year he'd find a card that seemed truly well looked for and selected - saying things that were truly meaningful & loving and even sign it "yes, i do love you". it was ackward alwasy for hm and grudging- but there. sooo- written proof i'm thnking.
he's got alot of 'RULES" IN LIFE about what is too trite and overused (poor man) and it was one of them. he also hates anyone saying "i deserve" - and yet look at him- he seems to "deserve" to have it all. me, her, stupid ole cousin - whoever else there is he is lying about too-
blind blind foolish man.
I will stay with him in FL. hope it's not a nightmare - i have allll my "junk" of a lifetime still in the house we lived in- still "my workroom" - . Even at blowup i've slept in same bed - thinking why the heck should i be uncomfortable & shoved out of my life & home? it was wird- it's a wierd wierd world these days. everyone i know thinks (OMG HOW CAN YOU" ??) SOMETIMES i thnk how can i not- do i just slink away and give up my life, my home, my rights, my bed, my STINKIN BED??? WTF? without even a try? idk - anyway
wierd little me dealing with wierd little him and wierd ole mlc & wierder lifestyle we have now- .....you too - huh??
itsn't it amazing what a jerky & tragic turn for our happy little lives???
i think they're nuts - honestly. i don't know if it will ever go away- but im firmly convinced that if it felt like love and smelled like love and we both were having fun together- they DON'T GET TO SAY IT NEVER WAS LOVE. TOO text book mlc talk from mwd books. i'm thinking if she's got 30+ years advising people & dealing with this stuff- if she says it's typical- i'm going with it.
I alwasy felt if he ever just could unclench a bit and let go and just immerse himself in "love" and life and me and us - he'd just be a happy guy and it would be a perfectly great life forever. unfortunately- either it's mlc - or idk what- but he never vcould just DIVE IN AND EMBRACE IT. HIS loss in life. maybe last two years have been absolute hell - but i guess i still think it was worth it to feel love and give love sooooo unstintingly. i'm glad i could be thatkind of person. i feel sorry for his poor little stingy heart if he can't.
oh well- maybe he's still in there- maybe your h is too. we'll find out someday
they're like those damn black walnuts that are so hard and un-openable and kill everything around them. (darn squirrels leave them everywhere in my yard- hate them) then one day- ka bam - little tree beginning right out of their terrible hard shell. maybe they are in there ?? ya think
okay- glad to hear your voice today- i didn't dance cause my ankle hurt this a.m. (darn oldish age) gonna do it now-
i've just worn myself out thinkinb bouat this junk. room looks much better - still quite a way to go- but on the trail with a vengence. hopefully it will feel lke a new place a bit and perk me up that-a-way too. i'm absolutely sick of the clutter & 'STUFF". NOW, where does it need to go? garbage, donate, give someone, etc.
not yet scarlett- tomorrow is another day. i'm gonna try for the best life ever. today my mom called and we chatted a long time - her memory is going and it's bad sometimes. she was asking me about my dad's funeral (i was 18- graduation nite) and she was in her 40s, but couldn't figure how she couldn't remember anything about it. i told her she just shut it out - too painful- then she morphed into her dad's funeral - then somewhere else. it was okay tho- no bickering and she thanked me. talk abut what may face us someday.
ANOTHER great reason to make today good and make it cound. could end up not even knowing what the heck is going on and who you were/are, etc.... sad -
okay- we're us and we're ready to partyrock - everybody's shufflin -
