Lost, confused and trying to make a stand

[MrBond]

"Actually forgiveness isn't a one way thing (We are not God and we don't have the ability to love unconditionally)."

Um yes you do. If your kid went and committed a horrible crime, chances are you'd still love him. You don't love what he did but you love him as the person. There's a case just today in our local news where a guy was convicted of killing a schoolteacher at a mall. At the sentencing, the schoolteacher's husband confronted the killer and said he forgave him and prays that he finds peace one day. THAT's forgiveness.

"If the other party isn't held accountable for their actions they will continue to do what they are doing, i.e. being cheated on."

Sorry but this has nothing to do with forgiveness. There are many on this forum whose WASs have cheated repeatedly and the LBS forgave them even though they knew that their WAS would cheat again. They are the ones that are damaged, not you.

"I'm sorry that you think you have me pegged as someone that didn't do the "work" but I did, was I perfect? No, but I put in work. I did as much as I could while my W did nothing but have one foot out the door since she came back, if coming back means she did work then that is laughable. Nothing that I did warrants being cheated on."

I don't think you understand what "doing the work" means. It refers to doing work on yourself to build YOUR self-esteem. There's nothing you can do about your W's actions. You can't control her. However you can keep rebuilding yourself and there was alot in your posts about how much you were dependent on your W. Including the forgiveness issue.

"You say you don't see how I changed? Lets see, I learned her love language and spoke it often. I made a change when it came to her family and us spending time with them. I gave her more space. I encouraged her in every aspect of what she wanted to do and encouraged her to go to college. I wasn't as clingy (and wasn't before the first time either. I did what most do on here and became more clingy when she told me she was done.)"

That's fine.

"I appreciate your words but don't assume I didn't do work because I did. I did my best to better myself and became a better father and husband, things don't change over night, and when the W doesn't allow me to heal from the first offence and doesn't show remorse for what she did forgiveness isn't an easy thing."

That's the part you never changed. You let it eat away at you and get you where you are now.

"It isn't my fault that she is unfaithful and couldn't talk to me about what she was feeling. The thing is she doesn't know how to communicate and when things get tough she runs away."

Again, that is her issue. Not yours and it goes beyond just the M. Maybe something happened to her in the past or whatever. Either way, it's HER choice not to do anything about it and it is no reflection on your efforts.

"Do I want to save my marriage? Yes. Am I going to let her Go? Yes."

This proves otherwise - "I really don't want to be divorced". Start talking about your life WITHOUT your W. Keep the focus on you and your needs for a change.