Lost, confused and trying to make a stand

[Underdog]

Hey there,

I am one of the fortunate ones who DO have a great friendship with my XH. But know that I started this journey trying to save my marriage - we were separated for 2 years before he filed for divorce. We've been divorced since May 2005. That being said, it started with FORGIVENESS.

Actually forgiveness isn't a one way thing (We are not God and we don't have the ability to love unconditionally). If the other party isn't held accountable for their actions they will continue to do what they are doing, i.e. being cheated on.

You really have this concept confused with justice. And it isn't your job to mete out justice. Sometimes the other party isn't remorseful, but that doesn't stop you from letting the hurt go so you can focus on being a happier person. If you DO elect to hold on to bitterness and withhold forgiveness, all your relationships will suffer.

I'm lucky, as I had the BEST teacher in the world. My adopted parents here in Denver sat me down right after my XH walked out. They told me if I wanted to reconcile, I'd have to do the work anyway. They were right. What makes them qualified to hold me to the fire? Their disabled son was murdered by his caretaker. The murderer isn't the least bit remorseful. In fact, he told them that he hated his job because of their son.

They decided to leave that part of the equation to God. Their part was to let go of the hurt and anger caused by his heinous actions. They have 4 other children and grandchildren who followed suit. This doesn't mean they are ok with this! They just chose to pack up those feelings in a suitcase and drop them off in a landfill. They now lead the Colorado chapter of Parents of Murdered Children.

I figure if THEY can forgive that person, I could definitely forgive my XH. Oh yeah, that was a whole lot easier than forgiving myself.

You may think yourself above being cheated on. I don't know your XW and I don't know her motivations. But you may have to examine this more. I don't know. Maybe you don't. But the fact is, marriage breakdowns rarely occur overnight and at the hands of one spouse. Only you, her and God know.

It isn't my fault that she is unfaithful and couldn't talk to me about what she was feeling. The thing is she doesn't know how to communicate and when things get tough she runs away.

Maybe you aren't the easiest person to communicate feelings? You seem awfully defensive here, and if you're like this in real life, it might just make it hard for her to know how to approach you.

Listen, I speak this from experience. My XH works a lot, travels a lot, we have a developmentally disabled daughter, and we lived in survival mode for a long time. Plus at the time, he was drinking a whole lot and got a DUI. We had been in C several times, and I needed *something* from him emotionally. He shut down. And I was the one who came perilously close to cheating.

He and I both have the benefit of looking at things backward and we both agree now that we both made choices, said stuff and did stuff that were not in the best interest of our marriage.

And here's another nugget for you. He forgave ME long before he could forgive himself for walking out on us. That took years.

We all have pain, friend. We deal with it differently.

I challenge you to come back at this entire conversation with compassion and empathy. For YOU as well as her and your children. They are the only blameless individuals in your situation.

I would also venture to say that she isn't going to express any remorse to you until you shed that cloak of righteousness. It's hard for anyone to swallow shame when they are being tried, judged and executed.

And if you tried to be the better husband and father? Good for you! It will serve you well if you have to parent on your own and for your next relationship. But sometimes it's just too little, too late and the other party just doesn't want to continue.

My XH and I were really good friends for a year before we started dating. So my goal all along was to get my friend back. It took awhile, but we did it. He's a genuinely nice person, funny as hell and I enjoy him. He's actually one of my best friends. If I need a friend, he's in the top 5. I realize that most of the folks here just don't have that boon. The former spouse shows their true colors and what is left isn't anything that most people could stomach in a friend. I get that. I don't know your fate, but for the sake of your kids, find some compassion for her - she's their mom and nothing is going to change that.

If you want to save this marriage, you HAVE to do this, friend. So check out some new books and get started. I don't know if you're a religious person, but if you are... every time you say the Lord's Prayer, you're asking God to forgive you the way you forgive others. If you can say that without a lump in your throat or crying, this is something upon which you might reflect. I couldn't say this prayer in its entirety without crying for 3 months after he left me.

And one more thing... IF you want to save your marriage AND become a better husband and father, quit scorekeeping. You're going to lose.

Good luck-

Betsey