Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[AnotherStander]

Thank you all for the support, it's very welcome and needed! I'm sure my W's head is spinning right now, I know mine is too!

And I am sorry for you to have read that exchange. It must have been painful to read or did you already know those thoughts and feelings ( besides the confirmation of OM) ?

I did know some of that as we discussed it during RetroV. But the one thing she's always held fast on is that OM was just a friend. I suspected he was more than that but didn't know for sure until now. It was a jolt to read it in black-and-white, but I've suspected it for a long time and as most of the vets around here say, if you suspect it then it's probably true.

How are you doing?

Upset over the cancer revelation. I want to reach out to W. She's been scared of this for years, she's had a couple of false positive tests before that freaked her out.

Just a technical info - FB keeps log in activities in case you don't know. It'll show the locations and the time of log in. You can end the activity Under Security settings > Active sessions

Thank you, I didn't know that. W probably doesn't either, she's not very technically oriented! She hardly ever gets on FB either, once a month maybe.

I pray your wife beats the cancer! I hope she turns to you in this crisis, she doesn't realize what a powerful source of strength & help & comfort she is turning away from at a time when she really will need that!!

Thank you, that's very kind I will keep everyone posted as things progress.

The downside is its affect on your PMA, GAL, and 180's. The fact that she does not proceed with D says that she is still undecided. However, it seems that as long as the OM is in the picture, then reconciliation will not happen either.

I have to admit that I'm having to fight the "well that's it, it's all over" attitude that washed over me after she backpeddled just after RetroV. It seems clear that she's nowhere close to changing her mind. She's been saying that "I don't want to try" thing since BD. I've heard it in MC, I've heard it in the car, I've heard it in bed, I heard it after RetroV, geesh, I think I've heard it almost everywhere now that I think about it. But, that doesn't mean she won't change her mind again later. I think the chances are pretty small, but who knows, stranger things have happened.

Also, I think it worthwhile to remember that you W might be "trying out ideas/feelings" on her friend, and everything she writes is not necessarily how she feels.

Very good point.

Once she tells you, you need to support her. My guess is that 20 years counts for something and she will welcome both emotional and other types of support.

Thank you, that's the plan. I will offer her unconditional support. Not "I'll help you if OM isn't around" or "I'll help you as long as you do this or that" but "I am here for you no matter what time of day or night, I want to help however I can." Obviously DB'ing and "going dim" is going to be set aside, my focus is on helping her through and past this, the marriage is not a concern for me right now.