stHelen, it seems your husband is definitely in MLC. Sandi's list of what to do/not do is helpful for this too. If you read my sitch, you'll see that my W is also in MLC. In my case, 6 months of DB-ing moved my W from imminent flight to staying with me. Yet, she is still missing that "loving feeling" for me. So we are in limbo. My point in mentioning this, is that DB-ing can help diffuse the situation.
Your husband doesn't know what he wants, so he wants to keep you available as an option. This is why he is worried about you and what you're thinking. My W was (is) the same way. I remember she told me that she was worried that I would leave her; yet she is the one that openly talked about leaving!
Also, my W ha dropped most of the motherly types of things she used to do. She would rather be single, but she also loves our children. This type of contradiction seems typical of MLC.
I suggest you be mysterious and not let him know what you're thinking/feeling. Do not ansewr the telephone everytime he calls.
As for child care, you should tell him that once/week he needs to care for the children. Whether it is for only part of the day, it will allow you some time along for GAL activities.
Thank you. It does sound similar. 6 months sounds so long...but we've been at this for 3 months already...and I've broken every DB rule there is and haven't scared him completely away. Maybe if I start following the rules we'll make some positive progress. It's so difficult. The kids are with him tonight, for the first time.
He's fabulous with the kids when he actually sees them...which is only about 5-6 hours a week at this point, if that. I feel like he just wants to walk away from all the burdens...house, wife, suburbs, kids...I just don't understand how he thinks his life would be better without us. That really hurts.
Your husband doesn't know what he wants, so he wants to keep you available as an option. This is why he is worried about you and what you're thinking. My W was (is) the same way. I remember she told me that she was worried that I would leave her; yet she is the one that openly talked about leaving!
And yes. This is the hardest part. He has moved out of the house and filed for a divorce...yet is suddenly scared to death I'M going to move on. What the??
We are in the same boat because our husbands are giving off seriously mixed signals. I have no advice, just wanted you to know you aren't alone in your hurt & confusion. We also both broke through moderation at the same time. I'll be watching your sitchto see what happens. Keep your chin up, hun!!
H48 M46 T26 M25 S25 D21 10/4/12 BD - ILYBINILWY, S 10/7/12 H Leaves, works 2 hours away H Done 1/13 H tells S he wants D 2/13 NO R talk since - nothing filed We live together weekends
This is so hard. I think I was just in shock and numb the first 2 months. I barely cried. But my son's last day of school June 6, I started crying and have cried pretty much every day. It's only 8am and I'm already in tears. I just think in terms of the 9 month lease he signed and the 6-12 months we agreed to work on this...and it seems like an eternity. Will I really hurt this much for the next year? Does anyone really figure out their midlife crisis in a year?
You are going through the normal grieving process, just know that the crying and the emotions you're going through are perfectly normal and part of the healing process. Don't cry in front of H, but behind closed doors just let it all fly. The length of grieving is different for each person, but rarely does the really painful part of it last a year. It'll get better day-by-day, and when the real healing kicks in you will find a new peace that you've maybe never experienced before- peace with your sitch and with yourself.
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And yes. This is the hardest part. He has moved out of the house and filed for a divorce...yet is suddenly scared to death I'M going to move on. What the??
This is actually not that unusual. Your H wants you to wait indefinitely while he goes on to do whatever he wants. You are plan B. He wants to explore his MLC and probably sow his wild oats all while you patiently sit at home pining over him. But when you get out, GAL, show him that you are going to live your life whether he's part of it or not then it can shock the MLCer into realizing that their LBS may just move on without them, and yes, that scares them. That doesn't mean he wants to reconcile (at least, right now), it just means you're spoiling his plans and he doesn't like it. Just keep up your DB'ing, like I told you before this is a marathon, not a sprint.
Well, I am a runner and marathons are much more my style.
I'm taking a HUGE step in my GAL on Saturday. My cousin is taking me skydiving! I'm terrified (and might chicken out!) but really looking forward to the awesome feeling I'll have when I land safely!
My husband read the first chapter of DR! I know that's a rule breaker...but he's told me he actually enjoys reading the stuff I send him. I've cut way, way back...but there was a lot of good information in the first chapter so I decided to take my chances. He actually read it and called when he was done to tell me he read it. He said he got a lot out of it but didn't elaborate. So, baby steps. I have to document the positives - not just the tear filled negative days.
He also called me last night, just to chat. For about an hour. I kept a happy voice and we avoided relationship talk.
He left town today, alone, for 5 days to "clear his head". Maybe he'll find what he's looking for. I think the marathon is going to last a lot more than 5 days...but maybe he'll get something out of it.
Yes, I think you're exactly right about Plan B. He wants to keep me here waiting until he's SURE he wants out. Several family members have said that too.
Hopefully the time and space will be just what our H's need right now. And actually, I think that it is also good for us to be away from them once in a while too. Dealing with them can be quite stressful sometimes and ends up making us hurt more. Maybe some space can be a good thing.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I feel like he just wants to walk away from all the burdens...house, wife, suburbs, kids...I just don't understand how he thinks his life would be better without us. That really hurts.