Moving forward together from a mess

[cbtdad]

You're right. The text was completely passive aggressive. It's one of the things I have been working on and I have gotten much better, but still shows its ugly head every once in a while. We talked about this morning. I told her the only problem i had with last night was her not telling me she was going out. Because she said she would let me know if she was going out. She said she didn't because she was afraid I would make her feel bad about going and tell her not to go out.
This is something I use to worry about last year. But I worried because I knew he was unhappy. And that unhappiness was my fault. Things are definitely different now as last night didn't bother me at all except for her not letting me know plans.
She was even home by midnight. That is a boundary we have put on each other. Must be home by midnight unless we are together. Nothing good happens after midnight

[stilllookingup]

I guess you are gonna have to catch yourself before you text her anything. Type it and read it over and over before hit send. I'm sure the ugly head shows once in a while but to her it's probably not "once in a while" since she doesn't see the other sarcastic texts or comments you wanted to say but didn't.

I follow many threads on this forum and sometimes I get confused with who is who. But I remembered the sarcastic comment you sent when your W was out late few weeks back, right? Because that's what caught my eye most. So when I saw another one in your thread I remembered you "Oh it's the guy in piecing who send sarcastic texts" Sorry if I'm being harsh but it seems like you also know that's where you need to work on and I just wanted you to know the passive aggressive texts are a real turn-off, especially coming from guys IMHO.

I had recently started following your thread and admit I haven't read your entire threads, so I apologize if I'm being picky about your weakness but it seems like you have come a LONG way and now you are piecing! So I wanted to make a comment about that so you can keep on working on your R without unnecessary bumps that might push her away.

Rooting for you!

[cbtdad]

Thanks!! It's always good to have someone pointing it out that's not caught up in the emotions of it. One of the main reasons we got to where we were separted was because of my verbal abuse. It's something I learned growing up from my father and I now realize it. So I've been in IC for the past several months and it has gotten much better

[MrBond]

Aside from the boundaries, what things have you discussed to start doing together to regain the trust and friendship?

[cbtdad]

Hey Bond. We have been doing a lot of different things together. Spending a lot more time together as a family. Me showing interest and actually being interested in her horse riding has gone a long ways. Saturday night he came over and we watched a big time show in the horse world. It was interesting and I enjoyed it and we were able to discuss it while watching. What a difference that makes.
We are communication a lot better. Things that are on out minds we are able to discuss.
We share with each other our days and talk about things instead of just diving into technology or the phone. We have been doing a lot of swimming and hanging out with son in afternoon. Gotten a babysitter a few times so we could have date night.
We both know we want this, but we are definitely at different time frames. Still haven't slept together and this has been tough for me to be patient about. It's come up a few times.

[2chiquitos]

Give her time. ML is such an emotional connection for us women that we want to be completely there (mentally). I remember times when I was in a bad mood and H wanted to ML. I couldn't. I had to be in the moment or else I wouldn't enjoy it.

However H could just flip his thoughts like a switch and he was ready to ML in a second.

Men and women were made differently when it comes to this.

[cbtdad]

Thanks for the reminder 2!
I try to keep that in mind for sure. It's tough.
My mind starts thinking about the times she was with OM and how that must of been becuase I remember how we were when we first met. I start thinking that she was having sex with him all the time when she saw him, why not me now?
I know it's mindreading. But it's also based on things I saw wen I snooped a few months ago. Snooping stinks!! Never should have done it
I'm just trying my best to be patient

[adinva]

Hi cbt, I am glad you're working on things and getting good support. Piecing looks very challenging.

I noticed that twice someone said they really disliked your passive aggressive sarcastic text and both times you said you're working on it.

Are you taking that seriously? Did you sincerely apologize to your W for it? Or do you think, well, it's not that bad?

Imagine you slapped her across the face instead of writing a sarcastic text. Visualize the shock and pain of that. And then say well, you know you shouldn't slap her and you're working on it, you're really much better and not slapping her nearly as much as before or as much as you'd like to.

Get the picture? Verbal abuse is abuse. You didn't "teach" her anything with that text, and you didn't get her to think kindly of you, and you certainly proved her somewhat right that there would be some blowback if she were really transparent. You need to try to do better than "working on it." Just don't do it.

Sarcasm is a marriage killer, trust me.

[cbtdad]

Thanks advina!
Both times that happened we discussed it the very next day. I sincerely apologized and communicated to her why I sent what I was sending and what I was up last about. She understood and she understands that its something I am working on it. She even said one if the difference she sees in me now is that I recognize that behavior and that I don't like it and she can tell I am sincere when I apologize. She said in the past it was all the time and I didn't even realize it was a problem. Now I see it and she can tell I see it

[willbwell]

Hi cbtdad, I am working on the sarcasm too...we too are piecing but H is not interested my MC. I go and my boys go. Just trying to be patient and forgiving.