"The D is not an inherent consequence of the mistakes. It was how she chose to react to them. You are excusing her from any responsibility for this sitch."
Nope I didn't say that she was excused for her bad behavior.
"Blame the victim?"
I didn't say that either. It's usually a fact. In fact, you said that you weren't exactly involved with the M and was depressed. At that time she believed that she couldn't open up to you and when her guard was down, the OM was there to talk to. That's usually how it starts. Talk to sandi about that.
"You're mindreading. And mindreading somebody you don't even know."
Go back through your posts and you can see where that came from. No mindreading here.
"Mindreading and assuming. You don't know her or me."
I don't need to. This happens in the majority of the situations here. The WAS doesn't want to deal with the LBS for a number of reasons (shame, past hurt feelings, etc.). That's just the way things are.
"See above."
See above.
"Like I've said, you haven't read my posts. It was not a family friend. It was somebody my father (and occasionally myself in the distant past) had a business relationship with."
He worked with you and your father so I said family friend. Either way, it freaked her out enough to take out a TRO on you. That's just the fact. Sorry that it happened, but from her POV, she probably doesn't want to go through all that drama.
"That's just the way it is. You can't argue with what and how she wants to feel.
Mindreading."
Nope. You really can't argue that it's how she wants to feel. Right now she doesn't want to deal with anything in the situation. Is it the healthiest way? Of course not, but running away if how she's chosen to deal with it. You were the one who wrote about how badly you acted in the M, not me.
"Amazon does not have a book by that name."
Sorry, it's called the "Walk Out Woman"
"Mr. Bond, I don't find your posts to be very helpful."
That's a shame.
"To be frank, I find you abrasive, arrogant, hypocritical, and I think you're too in love with the idea of yourself as some sort of "tough love" guru swinging his clue-by-four around, dispensing wisdom from on high."
Don't know where you got that from. I just have been here for over 5 years, so I've seen countless situations and reconciliations. You can either have someone sit in your pity party with you or you can start really understanding the dynamics of your situation and start turning this ship around. I had many people who helped me and there were some whom I agreed with and many I didn't. Irregardless of the advice, I always listened. Even those whom I disagreed with, I learned from. You learn that just because you disagree with someone, doesn't make them wrong. If you see me as that, then that's YOUR choice.
"You don't know my sitch and you don't know me as well as you would like to think you do."
We can only go based on what you post. No sense in getting mad because I don't know you as a person. You mentioned all the wrongs you did in the M, so the end product was that your W left you. That's just the way it goes.
Do I believe your M can be saved? Of course it can. Is it going to be easy? Of course not. Once you go back and actually read what was posted, you'll learn and know how to move forward.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Do I believe your M can be saved? Of course it can. Is it going to be easy? Of course not. Once you go back and actually read what was posted, you'll learn and know how to move forward.
MrBond, I apologize for my outbursts. I'm just really stressed out and it seemed like you were coming down on me. It felt like you were saying it was all my fault and that I deserve this. I really do own my bad behavior in marriage, and I understand that it was a factor in her seeking a divorce.
My therapist thinks I am too hard on myself and taking too much blame, so I am trying to balance his advice and the advice of people like yourself.
I have a hard time understanding her thought process in this and I am beyond frustrated that she doesn't want to communicate. When she initially left she talked about wanting to be friends, and the whole standard WAW speech. Early on, she even suggested she move back in with me at the townhouse "just as friends until we can get our finances in order."
Now, I'm the most awful person in the world and she wants nothing to do with me. I've seen her do it before with her gal friends, but I don't understand why she does it.
My last conversation with my FiL back in February, he basically told me it's hopeless and that I should move on. I know he is doing mindreading of his own, but it still sticks with me.
We're now trying to negotiate the settlement, and she has pretty unrealistic expectations. I know she thinks I'm trying to be punitive, but I'm just trying to be fair and keep what is mine.
It is hard to remain hopeful and I don't know what I can do except continue to GAL and focus on myself.
"MrBond, I apologize for my outbursts. I'm just really stressed out and it seemed like you were coming down on me."
Go back and you'll see that it didn't start that way.
"It felt like you were saying it was all my fault and that I deserve this."
Never said that.
"I really do own my bad behavior in marriage, and I understand that it was a factor in her seeking a divorce."
You may say that you "own" your bad behavior, but the issue was about consequences. You are living with the consequences of what happened in the past and it doesn't mean that because YOU decided to change now that your W "needs" to suddenly believe in M again.
"My therapist thinks I am too hard on myself and taking too much blame, so I am trying to balance his advice and the advice of people like yourself."
Taking blame is one thing but it doesn't do anything but eat you alive.
"I have a hard time understanding her thought process in this and I am beyond frustrated that she doesn't want to communicate."
That is her choice. Just keep living your life.
"When she initially left she talked about wanting to be friends, and the whole standard WAW speech. Early on, she even suggested she move back in with me at the townhouse "just as friends until we can get our finances in order."
Now, I'm the most awful person in the world and she wants nothing to do with me. I've seen her do it before with her gal friends, but I don't understand why she does it.
It's not your job to try and understand it. That was her decision and doesn't have anything to do with you. In fact, if you look at all of the sitches around here, their spouses all react the same as your WAS. Nice one day and horrible the next. Eventually you'll learn that you can't analyze crazy.
"My last conversation with my FiL back in February, he basically told me it's hopeless and that I should move on. I know he is doing mindreading of his own, but it still sticks with me."
Why? To a degree he's right. You do need to move on and start concentrating on yourself rather than your W.
"We're now trying to negotiate the settlement, and she has pretty unrealistic expectations."
Leave it up to the L's.
"I know she thinks I'm trying to be punitive,"
You're mindreading on this. You don't know what she thinks.
"but I'm just trying to be fair and keep what is mine."
Again, leave it to the L's.
"It is hard to remain hopeful and I don't know what I can do except continue to GAL and focus on myself."
Exactly.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Lefty- it looks like she wants a quick escape- whats her rush?
WHO CARES
How is 1500cals treating you these days? im stuck between 201-204 but I did buy my first pair of 34's on Friday
When the pants are to big I look skinny- when I drop the "Muffin top" returns.
Is the running back on track- what are you doing these days to clear your head? Im in the midst of a few day long Pity party for myself and am trying to get my shnit back together
NEVER have all your goals end the same day without having your next set of goals ready - Im floating without direction and am a bundle of nerves right now..........
"Southern cross" is my new favorite song right now
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Glad to see you back! I read your post in your thread, and I'll try to get a reply in this evening...
I'm at 199! First time I've been below 200 since I can remember!
Right now I'm eating at maintenance (a glorious and decadent 2300 calories a day) for a week, then I'm going to drop back down to a 500 calorie deficit to lose the rest. (At least another 20.) It'll be slower (1 lb a week instead of two) but more sustainable, and THAT'S what really matters, right?
I'm hovering between 34-36 right now. My shorts are 34", but my jeans are 36". Shirts are mostly L, a few XL left.
Switching up my weight routine this week, looking forward to the new lifts. Still not doing much running, but I'm going to start going on a weekly bike ride with a local club this Thursday night.
The D is starting to pick up steam now, my L is working on a settlement offer and I'm sure the STBX is going to fly into a rage. I'm really expecting her to fly off the handle and make some more outrageous claims. Oh well, that's on her, right?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Lefty- I here its hot out there? WHAAAAAAA 100+ - good for burning calories -no tin foil suit needed
Hows the D paperwork going? What amazes me is that i see/hear about all these marriages and they all seem so dysfunctional compared to mine- yet Im in this sitch.
Something else blows my mind as well. The number of folks asking me if im dating yet. Its been 6 months since my W informed me that our 18 year relationship had ended. How the heck is one "emotionally available" after that?
My simple, currant workout is as follows daily- 3X 85 bicycles - moving to 4x75 3x 25 standard pushups - moving to 4x25 either walking 2 miles or biking 10-15 miles 6x a week
3x a week- 3x10 25 lb curls 3x10 25 lb overhead 3x10 25 dumbell rows (i prob have all these terms screwed up)
1300-1500 cals a day
I know its not much but its doing a hell of an amazing job firming me up in the alotted time that I have before work
be good to you!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
It's not too bad, only 99 degrees right now. It's expected to hit 113 before the day is over, though!
197.5 lbs today, and it's been a while since I've been to the gym. I have some sort of low-level illness that is sapping my energy. Dry cough, congestion, et cetera. Still eating right though, so I'm still gradually dropping.
Nobody is asking me if I'm dating yet, which is good. My friends are all supportive of my wish to reconcile and not a single one has badmouthed my STBX at all.
Haven't heard anything from my L yet, and I'm almost not expecting to because of the short week. I do have a hearing next week, so I expect some movement then. We'll see.
Feeling better emotionally. I still hurt and ache, but it's been less raw lately. Sometimes I'm even okay with it and don't want to reconcile. This has been a concern of mine from the start, and I remember voicing it to my W early after the BD. The concern being that the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to reconcile. I sense her resentment has calcified and I'm starting to resent the treatment I've received since BD; my thoughts are tending to go along the lines of "Why would you want to reconcile with someone who has put you through all this? She's not the person you though she was, and obviously doesn't share your values."
Had a hearing today. TRO extended per my STBX's request. She spoke with some much hate and venom in her voice and didn't even glance at me. She looks good. She's lost a lot of weight, probably weighs less now than when we met. Working on the settlement now, should have something at the end of the month. Aching really bad right now.
