Surviving Infidelity

[2chiquitos]

So far, all is good. I realized that the heat doesn't bother me as much as before. Acting "as if" for such a long time has really stuck to me. I'm reminded that this is temporary and it will soon pass.

Also H n I finally ML. I was afraid that I would be bombarded with awful memories but I wasn't. Even after we ML I thought I would get emotional and I didn't. I didn't get that ugly knot in my throat where I hold back the tears. It felt normal.

I do continue to get triggers. Sunday morning I refocused but by the evening they were really strong. I took the dog for a walk, showered and went to bed early. H noticed I was avoiding him and asked me what was wrong. I told him I don't know what to say. I usually manage these things on my own and I don't know how to tell him without sucking him into it with guilt and manipulation so I just keep it to myself. We have an MC appt scheduled for Wed. I will bring it up then.

I need to confess, we didn't use BC. I keep thinking about this. I don't think we're ready to have a 3rd baby. Or at least, I don't know I'm ready. I'm afraid since H was very distant during my other pregnancies. I remember I had a lot of resentment towards H during my 1st pregnancy and during my 2nd preg I was naseaus all the time. I let everyone know how awful I felt and would cry at night cuz I couldn't enjoy anything.

I also don't want to stress about something that's not even happening. What do they say, 80% of what you worry about doesn't even materialize? For the next 10 days I will keep the focus on something other than this!