Had much the same attitude myself and it did really make BD that much harder.
Same here. I always looked at my M as the bedrock that the rest of my life was built on. All the other stuff might crumble and fall and need to be rebuilt, but at least the bedrock would always remain. Looking back I can't believe what a fool I was. I've always told others that people are unpredictable and you never know a person as well as you think you do, but then I fell into the exact trap I was warning others of- I trusted that I knew my W and that she would always be there for me. That attitude led to complacency on my part, I was content to leave the M on autopilot because it didn't need attention. Foolish. I know better now, I'll never leave a relationship to fate again.
Anyway, I know just what you mean, BD was that much more gut-wrenching because I thought my M was the one constant in my life. I've learned from my sitch and from the many others here that marriage isn't a constant. It's not a guarantee. The person you married years ago can transform practically overnight into anything from an ambivalent spouse to an outright monster. So our bedrock can't be our spouse. It's got to come from within. That scares the hell out of some people, I think a lot of people are just afraid to look that hard at themselves because they don't know (and don't want to know) what's in there. But how are others going to like you if you don't like yourself? And that's really DB'ing- figure out how to love yourself, how to be happy and positive and content whether you're alone or with others. When you get there it's hard for others not to like you too, even if they are a WAS.
And to tie this back into Crimson's sitch- Crimson, I still sense a lot of codependence from you. I think you've come a really long way since the beginning of your sitch, but maybe not quite far enough. I think you still need to find a way to be well and truly happy even if you are sitting all alone in your house, or in the middle of a field, or in a cave. I think when you're alone you start feeling the loss of your W and S more acutely and you long to be with them, and frankly that's not healthy for you or them. It's OK to WANT to be with them, but it's not OK to NEED to be with them. To need them is codependence. Use this time away from your W to finish your journey and find that peace with yourself. I still think she'll be back, but I think for her to stay she needs to see a much more independent and strong Crimson then she saw last time.
