New and need encouragement

[Not Quitting]

OK I blew, and I now need to vent a little.

H came round Sunday and spent a grand total of 3 hours with S. We had to talk finances at one point and I completely lost it. I couldn't fight the tears and I couldn't hide them from H. This whole thing has me really worried financially. Had to borrow to pay for groceries and all H says is "you know how much I make". Yes I do make more than him - not a lot more though, but up to now my salary has paid the debts, his has gone to buy groceries, gas and any little extras if there's anything left. And to make matters worse for me, when he was leaving he told S he had to go because he was meeting friends in town. It must be nice to have the money to go out with friends, when I can barely afford to put food on the table. And he hasn't even been gone a week yet! As he says the split is only temporary he doesn't want to put anything formally into writing, and even if he did I couldn't afford the lawyer right now. Told him I would have to consider credit counselling or even bankruptcy. His response was "let me know if you need me to sign anything".

We went to the local park last night to watch the fireworks (Canada Day here yesterday). A neighbour, whose kids are good friends with my S, joined us. He recently split from his wife, but they were both there together with the kids for the evening. Both commented on the absence of my H. Fortunately I don't think S expected his dad to be there because he really didn't seemed fazed by his absence. The neighbour is good friends with my H and knows all about what's going on - I actually think he knows more than I do - asked how S is adjusting. He also said he didn't think H is spending enough time with S. I happen to agree with that comment but didn't say anything just in case it gets back to H. Not being around for S may just result in the one thing H says he doesn't want to happen - he keeps insisting he doesn't want to lose this son like he did the two with his 1st XW - two adult sons with kids of their own who want absolutely nothing to do with their father and have told him so in no uncertain terms.

I know he's not thinking straight and hasn't been for a while. I'm convinced he's MLC. He spends money that he really doesn't have, most of his friends aren't much older than his two oldest, he started working out again and is more muscular now than when we married. I've never mentioned MLC to him but he told me shortly after BD thats it's not MLC; it can't be because the OW isn't a younger woman - as if that is a prerequisite. Right now the world revolves around him and his wants/needs and he doesn't seem to care about those of his family, or his son in particular. I've gotten used to his attitude, having been pretending everything is fine since BD. Its my S I'm concerned about. He's already a sensitive kid, having been bullied in school and still recovering his self-esteem, and now he's got to deal with what he sees as rejection by his dad. And through all of this I still love the man I married, even though he's not the same man I'm married to today.