I actually AM tickled when W tells me about her outside activities. Why? For one, she's always had a social anxiety, and feared going out and doing things... Still does, but is getting better. I always hoped she could find a way to come out of her shell, so to speak.
Same with my W, FY...though I would have preferred a different path for her coming out, naturally...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
MIL knows our business because w lives in MILs apt. She is more pissed than I am about the weekend stuff. It embarrasses her. I can say I didn't break her so I can't fix her, but MIL raised her and it reflects on her parenting. Warranted or not. I believe it's warranted, for those keeping score.
I agree FY, it is better to know. In years passed I wouldn't have thought twice about it, but going through this makes me really sad about missing out.
I have gotten a life. It is almost entirely tied up with my boys. If nothing else, that has been the blessing in this. We were riding Friday and on one of the trails my oldest was having trouble getting the last section right. Finally, he got it! I could see his smile even with the full face helmet on. He pumped his fist and I pumped mine. I teared up then and still do now. I wouldn't trade that 15 secs for anything. It was priceless!
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
W made it home for supper. Talked a lot about her trip. She went to the concert but also to see one of my favorite comedians. She started that one off by warning me I would be jealous. I couldn't hide it and she knew. I was able to laugh about it and tease her. She kept saying she's seeing how the other half lives (city people) and sowing her oats (she didnt mean it that way-but not nice to hear). At one point she made a comment about how i wouldve enjoyed being there, to which my only response was "I would want to go with you. My position hasn't changed." She smiled and just said "I know."
She pitched in and helped around the house and stayed here last night to spend more time with the boys. She is trying to plan a trip for all of us to go out of town. And we're going to her brothers next weekend.
I'm really struggling with the thought of telling her how much she means to me. I know I can't, but it's taking everything I've got to hold it back. I'm afraid I'm going to crack and pursue.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I'm really struggling with the thought of telling her how much she means to me. I know I can't, but it's taking everything I've got to hold it back. I'm afraid I'm going to crack and pursue.
Thing is, Mtnman, you could say how much she means to you, and she will just smile and say "I know", like she did about the comedian. And that wouldn't be very satisfying. What you really want is for her to say how much you mean to her, right?
I think you're doing stellar! If she is planning family get-togethers, including you, I would think she is still working things out (needs some space) but is inching toward you.
You are able to keep things light-hearted and laugh a lot with her. It takes some of the pressure off for her so it's easy to be around you. Don't mess that up with some heavy emotional language from you, IMO. It will make her feel guilty about "sowing her oats" and she may not be as comfortable being around you. Just my two cents.
Keep on doing what you're doing. And I agree keeping MIL out. It's tempting to want someone on your side, but it's not good for it to be her. I seem to be the only one here with a MIL that encouraged my H in D and replay. But she is H's main problem, IMO. But I digress.
Glad to hear W spent the night, too. Even if it wasn't in the way you would like.
rH
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Hi Mtn, I completely agree with RH. When you get this urge:
Quote:
I'm really struggling with the thought of telling her how much she means to me. I know I can't, but it's taking everything I've got to hold it back. I'm afraid I'm going to crack and pursue.
Just remind yourself that it won't help, and will only make things worse. By not hitting her with the love right now you are actually giving your M the best chance at R. It really is true, so take this to heart!
Continue to give her space but be there for her. When together keep it light and friendly. If y'all can laugh together, you're doing great!
Hang in there bro, I know this stuff can be really difficult.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
DOOOOOOON'T DO IT !!! I have learned that lesson at least 4X !!! Trust me... you will regret it and it will start your clock back to the beginning.
Really happy you came on here to tell us instead. It must mean that you know the difference, and just needed support.
WE ARE HERE !!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Just remind yourself that it won't help, and will only make things worse. By not hitting her with the love right now you are actually giving your M the best chance at R. It really is true, so take this to heart!
Boy I needed this reminder myself. I often think to myself, "if H only knew how much I love(d) him, would he come back"
Thanks FY!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
DOOOOOOON'T DO IT !!! I have learned that lesson at least 4X !!! Trust me... you will regret it and it will start your clock back to the beginning.
Could you elaborate on this for us newbies!!!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
I know I can't. I really do come on here for support. Every so often I get this feeling that my situ is different; she's different. All I need to do is tell her. She's waiting to hear that from me.
But, y'all keep me straight! Thanks everybody.
M - 42 W- 37 S's - 9,6 M-12 T-14 FIL- diagnosed with fatal disease spring 2011 ILYBNILWY - march '12 FIL - died jan '13 W Moved out week later
I think RH gave you good advice, Mtnman. She knows how you feel. She can tell by your actions. And if it was about you, you wouldn't be here
Telling her and pursuing isn't going to help her figure it out. She knows how you feel. She knows it isn't about you, somewhere down deep. But she needs something to blame it on, so she doesn't feel like it's her. That's how this "works" and you know that by now.
She has to make the choice to come back. You have to leave the door open for that to happen. The rest is up to her, my friend. You can't rush it or hurry it up and I don't think you'd be very happy if you did. Not with the results.
Kind of like when you were dating. She wanted to be there. You wanted to be there. Except now, she is trying to figure herself out and if she wants to be there or not.
Unless and until she figures that out, she'll tell herself all kinds of things. She'll blame you, the sky, the frogs, and everything in between trying to figure it out.
It's not your trip though she knows you'd like to be there with her.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
