The Final Countdown

[RoofRackDude]

First a shout out to the regulars on the board for the support they've given me so far. My sitch, including observations I've made from seeing others experiences here, DR and therapy:

Got wife pregnant while engaged, now married 25 years, together 29. Son, 25, lives on his own. Daughter, 17, at home. Had (despite circumstances outlined below) what I would have considered a solid marriage, both of us from stable families, but money has always been a problem and source of stress. Moved A LOT (10 times in first 6 years we were married), back and forth across country for work, which sort of kept up a crisis mentality in the relationship. I now see that focusing on a baby from the beginning turned us away from each other when we should have been dreaming of a life together, plus the added financial stress of a infant to feed, care for, etc. My current job is the longest period of stability we've had (14 years), bought a house 7 years ago.

Other crises that have tested us: My mother getting an incurable neurological disorder and passing away about 6 years ago; our son having a catastrophic car accident while in college 6 states away, requiring serious physical therapy (W later told me this was the 1st time she "put herself 2nd"); our son breaking both ankles 2 years later (2009) with more physical therapy and rehabilitation; my father dying of a stroke in November 2010.

Summer of 2011 I was burned out at work, which only intensified the rest of that year and into 2012. W kept asking me to enter my employer’s assistance program for counseling, but I balked. Began to question my self-worth, slipping into depression, got a temper. Summer 2012, 25 year old son shatters vertebrae, 7 hour surgery, may never walk, rehab/physical therapy late summer, begins recovery (now 95% recovered).

Early November 2012 I enter weekly therapy. W goes to neighboring state 1st week of December to assist in cleaning up her grandmother’s farm, later remarks how calm it felt and not sure she wanted to go back to “all that excitement” at home. BD the weekend before Christmas. Holidays were tense. Neither of our families live nearby, so we were pretty much stuck in the house together. My therapist had given me a copy of a chapter from DB and that helped smooth things over a little, after I had the textbook reaction to W’s ultimatum, pleading, begging, etc. Early January W starts going to therapy but in no way wants to do any efforts toward marriage counseling. W says therapist is telling her she needs to move out and she begins looking for an apartment. Daughter will stay with me. I discover DR and DB.com, begin DBing. W is a textbook WAW. In mid January I find explicit text messages on W’s phone to a “friend,” accused her of having an affair, blew my stack. W denies affair, says they are just “fantasies.” W calls lawyer and makes appointment. I call lawyer, get scheduled first, we agree to use mine for D. Complaint filed. I help W look for an apartment, help her move on March 1st to apt 3 blocks away.

Since then, working on draft settlement agreement. I've repeatedly loaned her money for bills, filled her gas tank, bought her groceries several times, along with allowing her to take leftovers when she would check in on daughter before school. W stops going to therapy, saying that she “doesn't want to talk about it.” House is currently in foreclosure, and W helped with paperwork to get loan modified. Foreclosure should stop in September. We've agreed to do everything together that involves our daughter, including overnight campus visits and soccer games.

As I mentioned, W has said that all of our different crises made her put herself “second” and that she learned to repress her own feelings and thoughts, finally taking action and asserting herself (WAW!) in wanting a divorce. (I've mentioned to her that we can’t control what happens to us, but we can definitely control how we react.)

180s: Chilling out and not reacting. Taking (mostly) confident control of the household tasks. W has repeatedly said that she’s noticed I am more confident, but has also told me that she is sticking to the divorce because she didn't think I’d change and when she notices the changes she feels pressured and defensive (no additional clarification here).

GAL: Never stopped running and going to the gym, lost weight (she noticed this too). Training for a half-marathon, bought a kayak, gone out with friends more. Working on various projects around the house as money permits. Applied for an online editor position as an additional source of income.

It is hard to go dark when we need to discuss our daughter and bills several times a week. I am 90% calm and chilled, no R talk, and she no longer finds ways to remind me that she's not changing her mind. Generally amicable, but super-defensive of her actions and behavior. Seriously trying to limit contact, but need to shake things up as we continue to proceed toward divorce. Struggling with hopelessness and loneliness. Any suggestions? What would hope look like in this situation?