Well after my W was not able to make it to our dinner a week ago I asked her out for dinner this upcoming Thursday. She said "the 4th?", I said oh, didn't realize that. And I was gonna leave it at that because I don't want to seem needy reaching for other days but she came right back with "I can go Friday". So we are planning to go this Friday. Still worried about finding normal, happy, light things to talk about. I'm sure the kids will come up a lot. I had told her that I'm not looking to talk about US unless she wants to. Just a fun dinner. I prob pushed too far yesterday when I suggested going to the beach together in 2 weeks to relax. Though she agreed to it. Looking back now I'm thinking I should have waited a bit. I have a hard time with patience and holding back. I do find myself asking myself if I'm changing into the person I want to be or the person I think my W wants. I shop for cloths asking myself if this is something she would like, cologne she would like... But I'm trying to attract her right? I had a big break through with realizing something about myself and why I have never been one to speak my mind with my W when something bugs me. While on vacation last week my dad was telling me that he had told my mom to stop barking at the 8 kids in our pool cause he was dealing with them all. She snapped back and then didn't talk to him the rest of the day. About 10 min after hearing that it hit me like a ton of bricks!!!!! DUH!!!! I have seen this reaction my whole life between my parents. I feel it has conditioned me not to say anything negative EVER cause I don't want that type of reaction from my W. though my W is nothing like my mom it still stopped me from "calling her out" on things. My W even told me once about a year ago to call her out and yeah she may not like it but she respect me more for it. A step in the right direction for self growth I feel.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Well after my W was not able to make it to our dinner a week ago I asked her out for dinner this upcoming Thursday. She said "the 4th?", I said oh, didn't realize that. And I was gonna leave it at that because I don't want to seem needy reaching for other days but she came right back with "I can go Friday". So we are planning to go this Friday. Still worried about finding normal, happy, light things to talk about. I'm sure the kids will come up a lot. I had told her that I'm not looking to talk about US unless she wants to. Just a fun dinner. I prob pushed too far yesterday when I suggested going to the beach together in 2 weeks to relax. Though she agreed to it. Looking back now I'm thinking I should have waited a bit. I have a hard time with patience and holding back. I do find myself asking myself if I'm changing into the person I want to be or the person I think my W wants. I shop for cloths asking myself if this is something she would like, cologne she would like... But I'm trying to attract her right? I had a big break through with realizing something about myself and why I have never been one to speak my mind with my W when something bugs me. While on vacation last week my dad was telling me that he had told my mom to stop barking at the 8 kids in our pool cause he was dealing with them all. She snapped back and then didn't talk to him the rest of the day. About 10 min after hearing that it hit me like a ton of bricks!!!!! DUH!!!! I have seen this reaction my whole life between my parents. I feel it has conditioned me not to say anything negative EVER cause I don't want that type of reaction from my W. though my W is nothing like my mom it still stopped me from "calling her out" on things. My W even told me once about a year ago to call her out and yeah she may not like it but she respect me more for it. A step in the right direction for self growth I feel.
Yes you are trying attract her but you have still got to like it yourself and also look like your not just doing it for her. When I'm getting something I do ask myself if W will like it? After do I like it? Will I wear it?
No doubt there is a person in between what your W wants and who you want to be.
I have been where you are. I'm glad it's looking up for you. Don't take your eye off the ball and don't rush into making plans. Theres a fine line between her wanting to spend time with you and not. As soon as you hit the 'not' stage it's like starting all over again.
Think beforehand of a few topics that you can talk about if you get stuck. Chances are because your living apart there should plenty to catch up on. Try and resist talking about how you have changed. I struggle with this. Try being a little bit cocky (not too much) if you see the opportunity. Not pursuing just using the odd thing she says if appropriate to wind her up in a fun way.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Thanks for the feedback T1000. I do find it hard not to tell her about how I feel I've changed. Because of that fact that she can't see the changes besides the physical ones drives me to want to tell her but I refrain. She has given a couple signs to me that she's confused now and that makes it even harder not to dive into her face with relationship talk and how it can work. But I know that would only backfire. I am not a patient person and this is like torture. Lol. But as if now I have to take the small victory in the "i dont know", the acceptance of a dinner date and a possible beach day soon. Thanks again!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
When I read posts like this and then look down at the timeline and see that it's only been 2 or 3 or 4 months since BD I feel bad for that person, because they have such a long, difficult road ahead but they think they're approaching the finish line. Your W is showing signs that you are misinterpreting as a desire to reconcile when in fact it's probably the farthest thing from her mind right now. And you have expectations that it means something when it doesn't. She may be doing these things to be nice, or to keep you on the hook as plan B while she makes other plans. But regardless, it's far too soon for her to be coming out of the fog yet. So buckle yourself in for a marathon, not a sprint. And let go of those expectations!
Quote:
Because of that fact that she can't see the changes besides the physical ones drives me to want to tell her but I refrain
Oh she sees them. She just doesn't acknowledge them. To her, right now all your changes just look like tricks to bring her back. It's going to be many more months yet before she starts believing the changes are there to stay, that you really are different.
Quote:
She has given a couple signs to me that she's confused now and that makes it even harder not to dive into her face with relationship talk and how it can work. But I know that would only backfire.
Good, don't do that. Yes she is confused, and yes, you will see that manifest itself sometimes. But at the end of the day you are not her first choice, and you won't be for quite some time yet.
Quote:
I am not a patient person and this is like torture.
I am normally not patient at all. But here is what I've learned in my sitch- you have two choices, you can be impatient and you will find yourself in separation and divorce in short order, or you can be patient and maybe with enough time find things turning around. My early impatience set me back many times. But I've learned, and am now giving my W the time and space that I -thought- I was giving her early in the sitch (when in fact I was still applying a lot of pressure). I've also learned that patience is a choice, not a trait. So choose to be patient
Oh I def know I'm a long way away. Yes I see some improvement but I know she's in no way coming home anytime soon. Of course I would love to be wrong here but I have read enough of other stories and seen there length of situations that I'm not kidding myself. But I remember reading in the DR book about not overlooking small changes and that's just what I feel I see there with the change from, "I'm done and going to a lawyer tomorrow" to "I don't know". I do regret asking the question in the first place though. As the books state, let them initiate any talk about the relationship. As we all know it hard. Thanks for response. Any and all reality checks and encouragement is wanted and appreciated. Choosing to be patient is great advice. Thank you!
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
When I read posts like this and then look down at the timeline and see that it's only been 2 or 3 or 4 months since BD I feel bad for that person, because they have such a long, difficult road ahead but they think they're approaching the finish line. Your W is showing signs that you are misinterpreting as a desire to reconcile when in fact it's probably the farthest thing from her mind right now. And you have expectations that it means something when it doesn't. She may be doing these things to be nice, or to keep you on the hook as plan B while she makes other plans. But regardless, it's far too soon for her to be coming out of the fog yet. So buckle yourself in for a marathon, not a sprint. And let go of those expectations!
Quote:
Because of that fact that she can't see the changes besides the physical ones drives me to want to tell her but I refrain
Oh she sees them. She just doesn't acknowledge them. To her, right now all your changes just look like tricks to bring her back. It's going to be many more months yet before she starts believing the changes are there to stay, that you really are different.
Quote:
She has given a couple signs to me that she's confused now and that makes it even harder not to dive into her face with relationship talk and how it can work. But I know that would only backfire.
Good, don't do that. Yes she is confused, and yes, you will see that manifest itself sometimes. But at the end of the day you are not her first choice, and you won't be for quite some time yet.
Quote:
I am not a patient person and this is like torture.
I am normally not patient at all. But here is what I've learned in my sitch- you have two choices, you can be impatient and you will find yourself in separation and divorce in short order, or you can be patient and maybe with enough time find things turning around. My early impatience set me back many times. But I've learned, and am now giving my W the time and space that I -thought- I was giving her early in the sitch (when in fact I was still applying a lot of pressure). I've also learned that patience is a choice, not a trait. So choose to be patient
This is the sort of thing that should be in a sticky like Sandi2 37 rules. There is plenty of stuff about it being a marathon and not a sprint. Things like 2, 3 or 4 months is too short or keeping you on the hook as plan B is invaluable information especially if they aren't reading others posts or coming here a lot. Over time I have come to see that it is a marathon no matter how the WAS is responding. Where as I initially thought it was generally a marathon to get a positive response from a WAS.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Well everyone was right. Dinner with my W went fine but she was only trying to be nice to me. Didn't see it as a date at all. Still has no want to work toward the relationship working. She told me that she was not stopping me from moving on. Said that though she is open to the possibility of us working down the road that my family is something she just doesn't think she can get past. Now let me tell you my family is great and always has been. Yes, too noisy and involved sometimes but always and still do love my W. That is something she has manifested In her head. But also something I have really looked at and some things I have changed in my own life as far as what they now and being involved. The only positive I take from it is as you all said, it's a marathon and not a sprint. It's far to soon for her to come out of the fog now. She's only been gone 2 months and I'm sure that backslide just pushed her away for even longer. My decision now is to go dark. ONLY comunincate about the 3 boys, and finances. Will NOT bring up the relationship unless she does. So here we go.
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
Right there with you. I also now think that almost any talk of the past, memories of when the kids were little, where we lived, past jobs, past events, threatens my W, because she wants a clean break from her life with me. It doesn't even need to refer to our past M or R explicitly, but in a way it does. She's never blurted out that this is a problem, I'm just learning to not do it.
It's hard when we're alone together and chatting not to do this, but I'm scaling back.
M:46 W:46 M:25;T:29 S:25; D:17 BD:12/22/12 D process begun:1/21/13 W moves out:3/1/2013
Anyone who isn't embarrassed of who they were last year probably isn't learning enough- Alain De Botton
After reading DR, again, I really wish that my W would read it. The things Michelle says about what my W is saying is exactly what she is saying, feeling trapped, love you but not in love, and so on. I just really want my W to hear what Michelle says about it. Would it be against the plan to ask my W to read it or should I wait until if or when she actually wants us to work?
M:33 W:32 Married:8 Together:10 S:5,4 and 8 months BD: 4/1/13 W move out day: 5/4/13 ILYBNINWY,WAS. No talk of wanting to save relationship
