One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

1st - [url=www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2354190]Completely heartbroken by husband's MLC[/url]
2nd - Rinse, repeat, replay
3rd - Here we go loopty loo. Here we go loopty li.
4th - Crazy little thing called MLC
5th - Back home, for all the wrong reasons

I did it. I survived a whole month with H back in the house. No arguments, no relationship talk, no pursuit, not much of anything. But our friendship is growing a lot. H is making huge improvements as a father. He is still very much a teenager most times. Still two bags packed in the master closet. His car is locked at all times with his keys on him. Lots of space, and yet a lot of more time together too. We just aren't joined at the hip like we were pre-BD. I feel very comfortable around him, and I sense he feels the same about me. He does feel safe.

Catching up from the last thread:

AJ, I think my H has become more self centered the last few years. He was never this extreme. I do think he would do just about anything for me right now, but I would have to ask. It is very interesting to me that he does talk about me so much and the only people he will tell that we are separated (or whatever it is we are) is those he wants to hook up with. All these single guy friends he has, none of them know we've been separated. There have been times recently when people have asked me about one of my projects, and he will jump in and tell them all about it.

This whole things has really changed me. I don't have the same kind of feelings or thoughts anymore of, "oh wow that guy is really good looking," or fantasy thoughts. I have a really hard time with that--and I'm kind of upset by that too. It's not fair that I can have innocent thoughts without feeling sick about it on another level. Before everything was innocent and fun, and I would have no problem talking about it with H or anyone. Now it's those feelings and thoughts are practically sacred and I only want to have them in a fully committed relationship. I still can't believe I've been cheated on. That kind of thing happens to other people. It would never happen to me.

T2 - I'm having a hard time as well keeping my convo in check. Too many things are feeling normal and comfortable. He is also bringing up intimate things in the past between us, and I have a really hard time with that. Those are the times I have a hard time keeping it light and just joking back with him, and not starting to cry.

Like I said to AJ, I do see the NPD tendencies being there, and they reached an all time high, but they are weaker now, and have continued to dim down this month. You're right, there never was a guarantee, but I sure thought I was an exception to that rule. I feel like my innocents has been ripped from me, and it makes me sad.

I do see the "acting upon desires before it is too late" with H. This too has been something he has said for a very long, but before it was a joke. Too much truth in jokes.

I do think that my H struggles with the idea of me being able to forgive him too, and perhaps because of the self loathing, he doesn't want me to either. I'm realizing I can't be in a relationship without full disclosure. It's just not going to work after going through all of this. I am okay to accept that full disclosure may be a long time in the future, but I just feel like it will always be there, haunting me if it's not out in the open and laid to rest.

snodderly, he is a complete teenager. His room is a disaster. He keeps the master areas alright, but his room has stuff all over the place. It's not just a pile of clothes, there are odds and ends clothes all over the room. He stays up until all hours and sleeps until noon. He has times where he is a more grown up and helpful and times he is back to teenager and oblivious. "Lots of time to bake"...ugh! Well, at least he is in the oven right...near the oven? He's in the house where the oven is...right?

I'm letting him talk. Some things are hard, like when he starts asking questions about "us" and our past. I feel like he is fishing, and me saying positive things at that moment is total pursuing on my part. Listening I can do. Tap dancing around a question about intimacy in the past has caught me off guard.

I don't see him leaving either. He is very comfortable and safe. He does not talk about moving out, and does talk about future plans together.


Okay I'm going to pass out. I will get caught up with the rest of you amazing people tomorrow.