Statements H has made randomly pop into my mind and I ponder them, wanting to understand what they mean. Things I've recently remembered are from shortly after BD. The first, "I need to figure out why I'm so difficult to live with." I wish I could remember the full context of that statement. I didn't take it to mean his bad habits, but rather something bigger. How did he go from that to blaming me for everything?
Another statement, "You're wonderful to everyone but me." I know that's not true. I adored him for a long time. I wanted to spend time with him and enjoyed taking care of him. His lack of time and nurturing of me, our marriage and our family caused me pain and anger and resentment developed. He doesn't see that his actions came first. He has the same disconnect with the boys. I also wonder if the quote above is projection. During H's childhood he felt treated differently than his sister by his immediate family and relatives. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abused. As a teenager he found out that his "dad" wasn't his biological father (sadly, this came out during an ugly fight between his parents). Many lies were told about his real dad following that and the truth wasn't told until after his mother's death. BD was two years later.
The last, "If the boys acted like they missed me I would have come home and tried to work things out." I am astounded by this. The boys were grief stricken and desperately wanted him to come home. We told him that numerous times. He also said that he chose to move further away (in with gf) because the boys didn't want him to be part of their life, but he also said he moved to save money. Why did he really move? To me it seems like he didn't feel loved and needed (wounded child?) so he made a statement by going away rather than stay close and work on his relationships. He doesn't seem to understand his part, rather the work needs to be done by everyone else. We're all set up to fail since he doesn't seem to be able to receive love.
I just didn't see the amount of H's brokenness. Maybe he hid it well for years, but once his mom died and then his stepfather, coupled by lots of other triggers, he just started unraveling. I didn't know what was happening.
