Its been a few months...update on me!

[Sweetbriar]

Wow...its been 4 months since I have posted. Life has been BUSY for me! In my last post I had just had my beautiful baby boy! He is nos 4 moths old and just the joy of my life along with my girls. They are as in love with him as I am and we talk a lot about how we dont know what we did without him! He is now a chubby little guy who is full of smiles and belly laughs! He is a great baby and hardly cries...which I have been very thankful for!!!

My life is definitely still chaotic...but has calmed down immensely from BD. I am still not working full time, but applying and interviewing now to start something full time in the fall or ASAP! My grandmother will be watching the baby so no day care costs, although H would be responsible for most of them. H has told me that we cannot afford daycare??!! I also am still trying to keep my home for myself and the kids. That will be determined upon the job I get and the final court date in October. We are set to divorce, against my wishes, on Oct 16th.

H is still actively with OW. His parents recently bought him a townhouse about a mile from my home and he had moved in. He is living there alone, but Im sure with frequent visits of OW. He is still working 2 jobs and complaining that he doesnt have enough money to pay child support for the baby, but yet tells the kids about the new furniture and beds he is buying to decorate his home and make rooms for them. THe kids have refused to see his home and only see H once a week when he comes to see the baby. He is not allowed to take the baby yet, so he visits here in the house. I have heard mnay times since the baby has been born that its uncomfortable for him to be here and he wants to take him, but baby is nursed and too small still to be taken.

His relationship with my girls (15 and 12) has only gotten worse. THey hardly talk at all and texts are far and few between. It saddens me that it has come to this. He does claim to love the baby but yet, sees him once a week and has not bond with him. He still chooses himself and OW over his kids and of course, me. We have been communicating better, as I see him weekly now. Some visits are great, others have been catastrophic. Its been 4 months so details are hard to write now in detail. He has told me that our baby was not conceived with love and that broke my heart. He has also said things like I was the worst wife ever and told my D that he hopes that she doesnt grow up to be like me. He told me that he has never known love like OW has given him and he can never turn back now that he knows how that feels.

I have moved forward with my life...spend lots of time with my girls and the baby and my family. I also spend time with friends. We are extremely busy and have a busy calendar. There is NO lack of GALing! H doesnt seem to care. I have done my 180s and I have gone next to NC besides him coming here to visit and it has not brought him any closer to me. I still miss him like crazy and love him too. I long for the day that he realizes that he has made a mistake, but the longer we are apart, the more I realize that it will probably never happen. I have gotten better emotionally, but there are days that I still break down and cry, missing him and my family and our life we had together.

I still cannot believe that he is still with OW and that they are happy together. It breaks my heart that he is not more active with the baby and the kids. He still blames all of that on me.

Most recent event was that he was admitted to the hospital and then into the psych ward for 3 days. I still do not know what happened...Im not sure if he threatened suicide (which he has done to me many times) or what, but he was put into the hospital with what equates to a nervous breakdown and was then put into the mental place. He called me from there and told me but did not give details. He informed me that he was there because of mostly what I had done to him. I was worried sick about him. His family would not give me any info even though I am still his legal wife and were very mean to me.

H is now out and wanted to take the girls to an amusement park 2 days after getting out which I did not allow. I dont know what he was in for and what condition he is in. I have allowed him to come to the house and he seems fine and normal. We talk and joke and sometimes, it even seems normal.

I still dont know the details of what happened and the other day when he was here visiting, he asked me if I held a candlelight vigil for him while he was sick. I was confused and he said that I always post on FB when someone is sick to pray for them...he said I bet you didnt do that for me. He then continued with I will never know what I did to him....so its all my fault he was in the hospital. It never ends...and it makes me heart broken that he cannot admit to any of the things he has done to ruin our family. I asked him when he brought it up if he wanted to talk about it and he said no..I have not brought it up since.

Another weird thing is he asked me who I got the roses from that were sitting on my table..funny thing is, HE gave them to D at her dance recial the weekend before. This is the 2nd time he has asked about who I may be seeing. I have NOT dated or seen anyone, but he asks. Why does he care if he is so in with OW?

He seems to be okay right now, going on a cruise with his family for his dads 70th bday. Of course, living the luxury while Im struggling, but that has been the case since he left. It was a year in April that he BD me and in Aug it will be a year he has moved out. I really thought that things might be different.

I real a lot that affairs last 6 months to a year...his has been over a year and they still seem to be good.

I mentioned my divorce coming up, and that is something he has pushed for. We were supposed to go to court a few weeks ago for visitation of the baby but we started to come up with our own agreement until OCt..then he ended up in the hospital and he hasnt mentioned it since. I will not let the kids go with him until I know he is okay and stable.

Like I said, there has been A LOT that has gone on...many things when the baby was first born, but now things have gotten calmer and we just go along with seeing each other on Wednesdays. He sometimes takes the girls out to dinner if they want to go, but most of the time, they leave and dont see him and the baby and he play for 2 hours or so. I keep myself busy on the computer or up in my room...

It does get better most days. I smile a lot more and think of him a lot less. I do still love him and wish that things were different, but he has made NO MOVES to come back since he left. One time in the past 4 months I poked the monster and talked about R and it got me no where. I was having a very hard time after the baby was born adjusting to him not being her and was a little needy for a few weeks. I didnt let him see it but one night, I asked why and he told me he is NOT ever coming back and to move on. Told me that he has not done one thing to lead me on to make me beleive he would be back.

I still have hope...I still wonder if one day he will see what he lost. But for now, I am doing what I have to do for my kids and myself. I have never looked better since having the baby...lost some more weight and gets lost of compliments. OF course, NOT ONCE has H said I look good...but thats okay...I hope he notices.

Life has gone on without him and part of me thougt he would hate that, but I have found that he has gone on too. I cannot imagine now that he has his own place that he will ever return. He calls himself a bachelor to my D....I guess that is what he wanted to be.

I will try to update more often...life just is happening and its all on me to make it happen!!!!

Thoughts to all of you who are still going through this nightmare and have just started this nightmare...it does get better...

Sweetbriar