Thank you AnotherStander for your critique. It means a lot to me that you and the others here help so much.
I am still learning. I have been following Sandi's 37 Rules as close as I can. I have also read in DR and DB that when one thing is not working, do something different. For over 3 months there has been no positive progress by doing what I was doing. I am still doing my 180's and acting AsIf and I am getting nowhere. I know she has to choose to come back to me on her own but she shows no real signs that anything is improving. It maybe as simple as she is so far gone that she wont ever be able to come back.
As for her side of the family... What S is doing to me with respect to walking away, she has done this sort of thing before to most of them, her parents included. She has shut them out and avoided them for lengths of time on several occasions throughout her life. Sometimes for years. Her family has very little tolerance when she behaves this way because they have seen it many times before. My W is very aware about their opinion of her. She sees herself as the black sheep of the family. She feels that they dont accept her for who she is and for the most part, I agree with my S about that. Her families opinion of her is not unfounded though.
My S is what you call a "bad drunk". Its as if alcohol is toxic to her. Her father is a doctor and works with kids who have drug and alcohol addictions. He and W's mom have told my W that she should never touch alcohol again. She becomes obnoxious and can become violent. I have only seen the violent side a couple of times personally. I, as well as her family, have seen the obnoxious side of her being drunk on several occasions.
Regarding the kids going to their cousins bday party, I ran this scenario with my MC. My MC has DB on his bookshelf and is pro-marriage and uses SBT type techniques. He said that based on what has been going on, that I need to set some definite boundaries. I made the plans to go and didnt want to back out. She was invited of course and ended up going with us begrudgingly. I think my patience has recently been wearing a bit thin with all of this.
I proceeded with this strategy because DR states that when something has not made any positive changes, you must try something else. For two months of doing what I was doing, there was no positive progress.
Then, I committed a monumental backslide, please correct me if I am wrong.
As previously stated here and to my S, I am not comfortable with her hanging out with "divorced dad" while I am not around especially in my own home. If you recall, last weekend, they went to the drive in movies together with the kids and then, two days later, he came over to our house and drank beers with my W until about 9:45pm while I was at work. This did not sit well with me at all.
Prior to last weekend, I talked with my wife about her hanging out with divorced dad, and told her that this behavior was creating issues between her and I and that I was not comfortable with it (my exact words). When she went to the movies and then he came over two days later anyway, I felt very hurt. I repeated to her that I am not comfortable and that it is creating issues between us.
Here comes the backslide. I talked it over with my MC and I told him the situation and said that I have had about enough of being her doormat. I told MC that I wanted to have a talk with divorced dad and tell him that it was creating issues and that I am not comfortable with him hanging out with my wife while I am not there. I told him that I didnt mind our kids playing together, but him hanging out with my wife while I am not around makes me uncomfortable. And so I did.
My MC and I agreed that I should say something to him. He said that saying something to him COULD potentially be less detrimental to our M than not saying anything at all. He also said that it COULD have a potentially negative impact but, coming across as having self-respect may be the better option in this case. Once again, he said that boundaries should be set.
I went to my S9's practice where I could talk with him, face to face. He did not show up with his son so I called him and told him over the phone. I then went home after S9's practice and informed W that I had talked to divorced dad.
Well there it is, this weeks update.
As always, please critique my update so that I may learn. I fear that I may not have the patience to keep up the facade. My tolerance is getting very low. I have stated to my wife numerous times that my goal is to keep our family together and that she is worth the fight.
