The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Hi Back

Thank you do coming by... And no hijack at all. I am sorry to read abou your sitch... I hope you and your boys are doing well (((((( ))))))

The last conversation I had with H was a typical WAS/MLC conversation... He again stated how he likes who he is... Would do anything for the kids but try and R... It's just how he feels but can't explain why, can't really say what happened or why, maybe we will get back together, we don't need to tell the kids... And so on.

I did my very best - stayed calm, validated, listened when he spoke. I 'thought' it was a 'good' conversation because he engaged. He doesn't usually. I felt like I was understanding him more... At least more of where he was in his head. I felt like he wants to find a way back but doesn't know how. Then towards the end he abruptly stood up and said he has to go. I realised I was starting to get emotional.

Anyway- to cut a long story short- he ended the convo by stating that we had failed to reach a conclusion and that he didn't think he could so this much longer. He would let me know when he proceeds with his decision (basically a D). I agreed that we had not reached a mutual conclusion but felt that talking was progress. A baby step. He said I was optimistic and he was pessimistic. And asked what we should do. I suggested expert help, me looking for different perspectives and bringing them to him, more talking... All were met with a resounding no.

So iswid let's just not talk until we meet agin ( in about three weeks) and he said maybe he didn't want to talk again at all. I said ok H. Let's not talk ( I was very calm and compassionate) and when you call for the kids I'll just hand the phone over to them. If I don't answer, I am not being rude it means I am not with the kids at the moment. He said its ok to answer to say I am not with the kids, I said no, I think it's best like this for now. Let's leave it at that for now.

So if he does ask ( I doubt he will ) I think I will say it was for me to get some perspective and distance. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you or is in anyway meant as something negative towards you.

Something like that I think. I do think H will think I am pouting as I said in a previous post. Not only because of how I used to behave but also because his own behaviour towards me is based on him taking love and compassion away from me. His distance is his way of telling me he is angry and doesn't care about me anymore. It is not for him to heal. I want to heal.. And. I don't want to take away love and compassion but preserve it. And for that to happen, I have finally realised, I need to distance myself from him .

I don't know if that helps Back. I am still challenged by NC yet I am determined to keep moving forward. I pray H will want to rejoin us but have learned that right now the best thing I can do for my kids, myself and H too is to let it go...

Much love to you xxx