Oh Linda, what are you sorry for, you were sweet and right that it is what I have been wanting, but now I have to watch him be dep over it! I want to squish his face into a bucket of chopped jalapeños!!!
I don't believe that this means anything nor do I believe it will bring on any change. But, it's what I want no matter what he does, right! What am I going to do! First, I went on with my day " as if" and I tell you it was quite genuine. Now tomorrow will come as it always does and I will get thru again.
I have nothing long term written in stone, only ideas and possibilities. But, I can say nothing I dream of includes the alien in my H's skin!
Thanks for asking about the kids, yea they know what's going on, adults really, they just say he's weak and stupid, they don't have time or patients for him. D19 was gone so she wasn't privy.
Have a great weekend Linda, you have a vacation to plan
He left for work so I guess he's not giving up that night job any time soon for the sake of us! It's better he did because its easier for me to move forward on my own without him, he's settled, and I am mobile!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
hope you have an okay day- glad to hear he went to work. hang on- we say it all the time to each other- i'm still thinking it's true- wisdom will come to us - about all this - in it's own time. you're doing great-
enjoy your time alone today - as long as you're not going back - you're going forward. it's just a long long rocky road-journey.
just checkin in to say hello. today a bit droopy- oh well huh? going to go find some music and try and perk myself out of it all.
have a chair to paint- yellow w/red flowers & green leaves & blue dots & whatever else - looks nice out on side lawn under tree - need to keep allllll those commuters entertained who drive by every morning and scope out the garden while sitting in traffic. it's a county road - two lane- but sometimes they yell out compliments and so on if i'm working and they're going by. it's funny & nice of course- a reason.
I'M thinking about you- just checking in to say hi and hope day goes well. just did "shufflin" twice to the music video (party rock by lmfao - - it's pathetic but a good workout. i'm getting better-
i swear - i do not have one body part i can move as fast as those kids can dance - but hey???? wtf huh? who can see and it SURE DOES MAKE ME LAUGH. placed a mirror where i can see myself- oh cripes - - my neice would die if she witnessed this fiasco- ta da
hope your day is good- the music & cardiac arrest helped- i'm outta here.
(i CAN (WELL, i think i can) conquer the dance routine at end of thsi video- if i don't die first-_) pant pant
I looked at your signature block that said "brief MLC", 2008, and then the affair, and the other stuff that happened.
You seem to minimize his issues when WE mention them as long standing problems
actually what it reads is.....MLC 2008, Brief A 2010,
Meaning his MLC started in 2008, he had a brief A (brief by my standards, 3months) which was still during his MLC jag considering it's still alive and kicking today.
No minimizing his issue at all! I have been very open and free every step of the way, through all the crazy stages and verbal vomit. NOt only as a way to work it out in my mind, get feedback and release, but it has helped those who's H's don't speak a word.
In speaking about him I work out and seek how to deal w the sitch in hand. I have openly said I don't GAL very well, but I am long out of the PTSD that I was told to deal w by my C.
Quote:
IMO your focus should either be on creating a new happy life without him, or a new happy life around him, but with zero expectations of him, ever...
I agree 100 percent and I have had a long road to get to this point of wanting to do so as apposed to "having" to do so because he forced it upon me. I don't react well to tough love or ripping the bandaid off quickly, which is what he was trying to do.
Now that I am not responsive to him, or even interested (in my own time frame) he want's to put the bandaid back on an unhealed wound to cover it up. Well, it is no longer what he want's and I am Standing for me now!
Quote:
that dropping the rope relieves, is often the trigger for the WAS to change.
but we cannot drop the rope BECAUSE we want them back.
dropping the rope ( tho I'm not sure exactly what that entails) is what I am doing. I am not at all compelled to do or not do anything involving him out of my own will to GTF away from him. It very freeing to not feel like a fraud anymore validating him and being nice.
At this time in my life, and for my kids, there is nothing left to Stand for in this M. He is a stranger to me. I have better things to work toward that I am sure will yield a positive result.
The idea that there is only one sole mate for each of us sounds like a crazy system!
Right now I have 4 sole mates who are adults, but are still looking at me as mom, so tomorrow we party! It will be my S's 22nd bday and I'm grilling, making a huge bowl of Hawaiian salad, and pulling out the water guns.
I'm filling my huge yard w everyone and anyone who wants to live life and eat too much! I'm GAL, a little more everyday, someday's not so good, but the balance is tipping!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
"Right now I have 4 sole mates who are adults, but are still looking at me as mom, so tomorrow we party! It will be my S's 22nd bday and I'm grilling, making a huge bowl of Hawaiian salad, and pulling out the water guns."
I love love love that you posted this Dawn Marie. Our crazy MLC idiot H's will wander in and out of our lives, but our kids are our kids and will love us forever. My youngest son lives at home, and is so supportive. Always offering to throw his dad out to the street LOL!
You sound strong and resolved today. You've been thru so much, with your H and with your parents too. I think it will do you good to have some peace for a bit.
Do you follow Ruby's thread (Kate's Place)? She and her H just separated, and someone named Breakdown wrote a great post to her, that you might find also applies to you:
"I'm only a week divorced, but now that I've really let go, now that W sees me truly moving on without her, buying my own place, looking at the possibility of dating, etc., now is really the first time I think she actually sees the real loss (and has really starting pursuing!). Before, the relationship was still there, on some level...I was still holding her hand, still chasing her to a point, still wanting it to work. Sound similar?
So with that said, I look at your sitch as very positive. You have been good to your H thoughout this, you have shown him your positive changes, you have continued to work on you. Now, you need to let him go and let him see if he misses that enough to make some changes in himself. As long as you keep feeding part of his needs, as long as he's comfortable with the relationship, he'll probably continue to waffle and avoid facing his demons, just like my W did."
I'm not thinking this would work in my sitch, as if H and I divorce, he will immediately marry his RT. so he won't be missing me LOL. But hopefully your new boundary will wake your H up and help him turn the corner.
Have fun at the birthday party! With love, Linda Marie
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
just was "chatting" with you in my thread - but wanted to say hello incase you're here. hope your day is good and the party is great. i could kill some cake- maybe i'll go downstairs and make one=
you know what? i'm going to- let them eat cake louie!!!
So I am detached, really, a little scary detached only because I fear those backslide moments. I am happy and feel so free as his cell rings and I look at him not caring. He tries to explain that the EA sitch has really calmed down and he's here, home, not there w her, but here working for us and on the house.
I had nothing to say to him! I have no words for his justifications, nor do I care to go down that ugly dark road again of hearing him explain his dark path.
I look at him and realize I don't know this man from a stranger, nor would I talk to him today if we met.
I hope to continue moving forward! I am no longer a fraud or pretending to validate him.
I can see him trying to put me back on that hamster wheel of recycling. He's nice, and asking about my dinner needs, trying to hold me during sleep, hoping to put me back into that lull of comfort, getting my basic needs met so I will be content and oblivious.
He liked the W that validated and silently let him be. Now, he has ''silently let him be'', but he's been made well aware of my boundaries, and that I have moved forward. He is struggling w how forward is he going to let me go.
So I guess it's on him! But, I'm not looking back or waiting, not sure if I'm even wanting. Stand strong for my M, well I think I still am, it's just taking a different form.
HB wrote: L is not enough, commitment is the glue that holds the R when L is gone, out of that deep commitment is a deeper strength that comes from well within, God replenishes this daily!
I think my commitment needs to take different forms as we travel down this MLC road, do what works and what makes me be able to move forward for me!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
I am a committed & loyal guy. BUT - love disappears? to me the commitment &loyalty are part of the love.
i don't feel this to anyone else. i love my neices & feel something for my mom- but it's not the same as what i had for h.
i'm not sure about committment filling in the blank and being the only thng going on.
i reckon if it gives me a stomach ache thinking i'll never have him in my life again- it's love-ish. (well - at moment - you know - it's in abeyance. i cannot allow it really- and like you- i look at him and don't feel like i even know this man.
i wonder how it will all end up- but no way to know til we get there-. i don't think either of our ride is done here- you're sounding v good in the place you are in tho- it's okay i think. you're following your gut. it's hard for me to know if h can sense my detachment (when it's there) because he's not here to see it- feel it.
he's detached too- perfectly pleasant when he calls- but it's sure not sharing a life. it's soooo wierd.
oh well - i cannot imagine what else to do but continue being who i am- and doing what i'm doing.
i had a brilliant insight about you and me and our lighthouse thing- but i've lost it at the moment. maybe it will come back later.
i'm goig to tackle te big mountains & conquer them.
THEN - i'll try and finish up a bit in work room-
maybe all the things that ae wonderful fabric (i'm somewhat of a textile junkie - ok - i'm a huge addict) i'll just cut rite up into big squares - just concoct quilt tops from all beautiful colors & patterns will-ye-nil-ye and go for it.
onward & upwrd. i cooked lamb once and made wonderful gravy- but honestly i lamb kinda grosses me out. h likes it- he's arab & german(oiy) , me- i'll take a burger & fries.
xxoo thanks for note- where would i be if i never met ya???
