That's why I continually stress that those in Piecing should seek a great marriage counselor. You need someone to lay the blueprint on how to proceed with healing. It could happen again. Don't give up hope.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Funny you should say that, Bond. When I told my psychiatrist that I was in the piecing phase she strongly recommended that we find a counselor. Nearly implying that you are almost doomed to failure if you don't have one. Foolishly, I think I was still so fired up to be moving forward I was worried (albeit subconsciously) that the introduction of a counselor to the picture would force XW to do some deep diving that would make her uncomfortable and she would, as a result, bolt. Well, we see how that all worked out.
When she said she was moving out again I told her what my psychiatrist had said about seeing a C and she said "that would have been nice to know". Since then, as noted, she has refused to go see a C despite agreeing to when moving out. No matter - I have hit the "acceptance" stage today.
BIG "note to self", though - next time we need to go to C. Period.
FWIW, the closest thing to the "secret" of getting thru this,
is GAL.
GAL is how you learn to detach, b/c it keeps you from obsessing (or reduces it a lot).
GAL helps you get a PMA
b/c who wants to meet new people when you have the "long sad face" on? Not many. It forces you to have a PMA or fake it for a few hours and trust me, faking it, DOES help you make it. Might take time but sometimes just half an hour of forced optimism, starts to seep in.
GAL helps you become the new you.
I think you are less likely to backslide b/c the new you with your new peeps around you won't "know it" as part of you, so the changes you made will be seen as real. That helps you make them real, and lasting.
They are the new you...
So yeah, I hammer GAL b/c I believe in it.
Not just taking up old fav hobbies with old friends. That's good too...but I strongly urge you to MEET NEW PEOPLE as part of the GAL. A big part of it, and for the reasons why, see above.
At first it's tougher b/c you want the comfort of old friends. Which is fine!
But doing something new won't remind you of your ex, so maybe an old friend will join you in a new activity??
Or maybe you can just do a whole new thing with a group of strangers. OR both.
I hate reposting my list of GAL, b/c it seems like I'm bragging. Hey, come to think of it, in truth I am proud of it. It's the hardest I ever worked to just feel normal.
But i got better. I got happy, and I achieved a lot. And I had 3 kids including an infant.
IT CAN BE DONE.
It will help you, I promise. And it will NOT hurt your chances of reconciling with your ex w. I promise you that, too.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Did a fairly decent job of keeping self and S busy this weekend - despite the fact that it was the better part of 118 degrees outside. We went to our first movie together (I thought it was his first one, but he said mama took him before). Took him to get a haircut - he has big ol' curls that are not conducive to the immense heat! We went for milk shakes, attempted to take naps, and watched a movie at home. Sunday we got up, met a friend for breakfast, went clothes shopping for him with said friend, stopped for yogurt, stooped at the apple store (his choice), had dinner and watched another movie in air conditioned bliss. We literally didn't spend a minute apart I think. Little guy even fell asleep on me last night. I cherish those moments because I know they will not last forever. Not exactly like I had envisioned them, but I gotta take what I can.
To that end, I was very "out of contact" with ex over the weekend. I did not reach out at all. Midway through the day on Saturday she texted me asking for a picture of S. In the same message she told me I should look into this one science about personality types - she said that she took a class on it at the church we attend and that she could guess which "type" I was. I let SEVERAL hours pass before I responded and remained brief and positive.
Same thig basically happened on Sunday. Late in the day she texted me and asked how S was doing. I waited an hour or two before I responded. I was friendly and just told her that he was doing well and that we had a very full day. She said that she was "ready to see him" tomorrow (today) - I didn't respond after that. I think it is very evident that she misses him as much as I do when he is away. I won't go into how that just makes my head spin, but I'm sure you all get it.
I don't know if I did the right thing in waiting a long time to respond, or if I should just not respond at all. I certainly didn't over-share in my responses - but I can see where remaining 100% silent would be the right thing to do as well. Knowing the historic dynamic our relationship - I know that ignoring ALWAYS sends the message that I am p*ssed and trying to punish. I am trying to balance that against remaining friendly, upbeat and positive. It's a tough thing to do - but I think maybe limited, brief (delayed) responses and no initiating works for the moment.
I dropped him off with her this morning and will pick him up after work. It was a friendly exchange and I made a point not to linger. Had a few brief words with XW about S, gave him a hug and a kiss and was on my way. XW looks like she is dropping weight again - probably from the stress like last time.
For sure still hard to see her. It brings up a bunch of emotions but I am learning to contain them.
I would think short reply's to text about S are appropriate.
It is good that you are able to contain your emotions around her, I struggle with that, just make sure you let them out in a healthy way later, or they will come out on their own
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
You have nothing to lose by letting her go, b/c she has already left.
DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING!
Truly the best advice I've read. Well said, 25!
Still catching up but wanted to say that I let go about two days ago after a long frank, very calm ( yay me) conversation with H.
We had been together a lot, hanging out. He slept here, held my hand, we flirted then bam! His thing was " I wanted to see if I had any romantic feelings for you when we ML'd and I don't so this will never work. Besides I want to see if R with ex GF can go anywhere and I can't do it with you in my life".
Okay, I am paraphrasing a bit, because he comes off as a " rhymes with mastard" and he is truly not.
So, I give him what he wants. If he remembers all the good times and how we connect on all levels and misses me it is his move.
If he doesn't, then that is okay too.
I still care and love him and told him that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Then I walked out and let go.
My feelings have not changed and sure, I am scared too of losing him, but it had to be done.
What the gist of this is, you could say what you have to say, that is, " I love you but we are clearly not ready to be back together" or something like that. That way you won't have to worry about your LC being perceived as not wanting her.
H knows exactly how I feel and I know how he thinks he feels
Good for you, KP. It seems you have found an Island of peace in your ordeal.
I'm working on letting go more - as noted, 25's blurb posted above was rather sobering and insightful and it has served as somewhat of a mantra these last few days. Fact of the matter is that she IS already gone.
A lot of my fears are based on her finding someone else. Really tough for me to envision that.....or envision another man spending time with my son in a "quasi-parent" role. It's tough to imagine her with someone else. Nothing I can do about it, though.
Today I booked a photographer for me and S for our vacation in a few weeks. Will be nice to get some really good pics to capture the time together with the Pacific as a backdrop. I've never done that with just me and him before....it's always been something XW managed.
See, the fear of him finding someone else has already been realized for me.
You will be surprised at how you will be able to deal if this happens . A lot of us have...suxx...but we are still here and mostly? Better off for it, because it forces some serious looking at yourself. And, if you are lucky, serious growth.
Bug said, don't borrow trouble from the future. You focus on today. Then you do it all over again tomorrow.
GAL works. I just overbooked the crap out of my social schedule with a bunch of stuff. Scary, but exciting. ( I don't wanna meet new people!!! Lol)
A lot of my fears are based on her finding someone else. Really tough for me to envision that.....or envision another man spending time with my son in a "quasi-parent" role. It's tough to imagine her with someone else. Nothing I can do about it, though.
Here's the thing about fears, if you go back and look at your life you'll probably find that all the bad things that happened to you were probably things you weren't expecting, they happened while you were afraid of other things. That was certainly the case for me. I spent so much time worrying about money and my job that when I was blind-sided by BD it was a double-shock, because that was never even on my radar of things-to-worry-about. In fact, I always said to myself "well if all this other crap happens, at least I still have my M!"
My W has an OM, I have no idea if they're romantically involved but I do know that they do all kinds of stuff together both alone and with my kids. I actually know him a bit from pre-BD and he's a nice guy. Has a lot in common with me actually. He has always been very kind towards my kids and despite my sitch I'd have to say if my kids have to be around an OM then he's not a bad choice. Unless your W has gotten wreckless then you can probably trust that if she gets in another R it's going to be someone similar to you, and thus someone that might be a good influence. As long as you keep up your R with your S the OM will never replace you (which is what I think many of us fear most).
Here's the thing about fears, if you go back and look at your life you'll probably find that all the bad things that happened to you were probably things you weren't expecting, they happened while you were afraid of other things. That was certainly the case for me. I spent so much time worrying about money and my job that when I was blind-sided by BD it was a double-shock, because that was never even on my radar of things-to-worry-about. In fact, I always said to myself "well if all this other crap happens, at least I still have my M!"
Great perspective AS. Had much the same attitude myself and it did really make BD that much harder. Thanks for sharing.
Crimson, sounds like you are handling things as well as can be expected given the circumstances. Give yourself a break and stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
. A lot of us have...suxx...but we are still here and mostly? Better off for it, because it forces some serious looking at yourself. And, if you are lucky, serious growth.