Going In Circles

[MrBond]

"Just wondering if any of you have also read 'the magic of making up' by T.W. Jackson"

Don't he's a fraud and that isn't even his real name. What he writes is similar to DB and he's a telemarketer by trade if you look him up.

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks to the both of you!

It's nice to be able to sit down and read after work and your suggestions on what to/not to read are very helpful.

It is now just over 2 weeks until D is final. I will continue to apply DB'ing and my GAL activities are filling up which is nice.

Once our house sells, it will be much easier to get on with my life. Especially getting my kids into a routine and them being able to have rooms to themselves instead of having to share everything with their cousins while i live at sisters.

Mentally everything seems to be getting better every day, although there will be more bumps in the road the closer to final D date i am sure.

I love rollercoasters, but not this kind!

[shouldistillhope]

Hey everyone,

Haven't spoken to or texted W all week as has been the norm for the last couple of weeks.

Received a text from her this morning asking about some materials for finishing up the remodel. After we discussed this during our text i asked her how work was going.

She replied "it [censored] but i guess it is job security

M: I am sorry to hear that it [censored]. If you ever need to vent, i am here. Talk to you later.

Nothing in reply.

Does this seem like pursuing on my part or did I handle this properly?

Thanks in advance for anyone's comments or advice.

[shouldistillhope]

bump

[AnotherStander]

Does this seem like pursuing on my part or did I handle this properly?

It was fine, it was a validation of her feelings which is exactly what you should do. Validation isn't about agreeing/ disagreeing, it's just acknowledging their feelings and letting them know that you consider their feelings important.

[shouldistillhope]

Start of a new week, hope this one goes better than this past weekend. I had my parents and sister and BIL over this past weekend to try and finish up the remaining projects on our house so we could get it on the market. It was my first weekend without my boys since BD. W took them to her moms for the weekend so i was really planning on getting alot done. We installed flooring in two rooms, stair railings and spindles and nule posts etc. Also finished taping and mudding and texturing, installed new stairs and landing and 3 of my helpers painted the exterior portions of the house that needed to get done. The problem is, W has been promising that she would get the painting done for the last 5 weeks and every time i go over to house, the things she promised are never done.

Yet she continues to make up excuses and blame me for all of the things that are not done and she refuses to take responsibility for why her portion never gets done. I just keep my mouth shut and try to encourage her as best i can.

This all came to a head yesterday after my family left and she got back from her mom's with my kids.

She walked in the house and marched right past me without saying a word, and looked everything over and then went right back outside slamming doors on her way out. I finished cleaning up and after about 10 minutes i went outside and approached her asking her what was bothering her. I said i felt she looked upset about something and asked if she wanted to tell my why.

That was when s--t exploded from her. She started crying and yelling at me that i didn't get anything done over the weekend and i promised her everything would get done. I said i wanted to get more done but everything took more time than we anticipated. She said "you had 5 people here this weekend and nothing in done, what did you do?" I sat there in stunned silence and let her have her say, when she was done i walked into the house to calm down so i wouldn't be tempted to get into a major argument with her. I talked to the kids for awhile and then went back outside to talk more with her on why she felt the way she did.

The results were worse this time. She looked at me and said "I can't even stand to look at you right now. I can't even stand to look at your face. If you want to remain friends through all of this, you will just get the hell out of here right now. Just leave." These types of insults and anger kept coming out of her like i had no feelings at all.

I finally had enough and I felt I needed to defend myself. I said "Yes, i didn't get as much done as i thought i was going to. We accomplished a lot, but 3 of my helpers had to work on painting the things that you promised you would do for the past 5 weeks that you didn't get done.

Again she yelled "you didn't get anything done, what did you do all weekend?" I then told her to follow me, i would show her everything we did. We worked our fingers to the bone all weekend, and i was chastised for it.

My weekends since BD and even before that have consisted of working 50 to 55 hours during the week and then trying to get our house remodeled because she wanted a nice house. I don't blame her for wanting nice things, but it is burning me out. I dont get to spend time with my boys even when i have them every weekend because i have to finish this project up to sell it.

I turned around and walked back in the house to gather my thoughts and talked a bit to the boys about how their weekend was. I told them i loved them and i would see them this week to take them camping.

Went back outside and asked W if we could talk about the house. She looked at me and i mentioned that it is in our settlement papers that if she wanted to stay in the house, she has to re-finance so that my name can come off the mortgage. I said that i needed some of the equity out of the house if she refinanced and she looked at me and said "i have been nothing but nice through this whole thing, do you think i am stupid?"

I said "no, i am just trying to protect myself so that you don't end up with a free house out of this." It was then back to her crying and name calling and i tried to just listen without judging or saying anything to her. She said she would refinance the house and take on all the bills herself and take care of everything just like she always has.

I am at a loss as to how to respond to her and the lies she is telling herself are truths. I was there for her financially. I maybe wasn't always there for her emotionally, but now i feel like i cannot even attempt to do that either.

I don't know anymore what to do. Today i just keep replaying the whole scene in my head and i feel like i need to stick up for myself at times instead of trying to validate her lies.

I have not contacted her during the week and tried to go as dark as i can, but at this point i feel like there is nothing i can do. She is manipulating every situation in her favor so she can justify this D that i didn't want.

I am tired. Tired of trying to do the things which seem so counterintuitive, yet this is what she needs to see from me.

I feel like i will never see my wife in the same way again, and it scares me because i have so much hope for a R in the future months down the road after D.

I don't know if this was the final straw, maybe she is just saying these things to truly make me go away for good. I just don't know anymore.

I looked at her and said i was proud of what i had accomplished on our house and i was once proud of the family we had created, and said that didn't seem to matter to her anymore.

I went back to my sisters house after it was all over and i received an interesting phone call from my neighbor in the town our house is in.

He said my W stopped over to drop off a paint sprayer she had borrowed. He asked her if it worked out and she said "NO" he then mentioned she started crying and walked back over to the house. He asked me what was going on and i explained to him what had happened between W and me previously. My neighbor and i are very close and he was one of only two or three people whom i could count on and trust when i needed to talk to someone.

We talked for awhile and then he told me something i had in the back of my mind since BD. He said his wife went to get her haircut two days ago and the lady who cuts his wifes hair is my W's best friend. Apparently they started talking about what went wrong with me and W and our sitch and neighbors wife said although her stylist never came out and said it, that my W was embarrased to tell people i was a steel worker.

I know what my faults are and were through all of this, but i never wanted to admit that this was one of the reasons for my w wanting a D. I worked my butt off to put her through school and now she is established in a good medical career, i feel she doesn't have any use for me anymore and she is telling everyone around town every single fault i have so she can justify this D.

I never figured my wife would turn out this way. I work 50 to 55 hours every week, and bring home a good income and always have. I asked my wife once after BD if she felt i provided for her and our family and she said "yes, of course, we were very comfortable." But this is now the second time i have heard of her telling one of her friends this type of thing, that she didn't feel taken care of and every time we needed money, she would take care of it. She feels that she did it all, and it is a lie, and a slap in my face.

I never wanted to admit that someone, especially someone whom i had loved as much as my wife would ever feel that way. She got pregnant when she was 15 and when we met, i raised her son who was 8 at the time and provided financially so she could go back to school three different times.

Now she is done, she has no use for me i guess.

Can someone explain to me why i want someone like this back? Why am i so madly in love with a woman who would do this? Is this really happening for this reason?

I can't seem to get any answers, so i am thinking of writing her a letter and leaving it in her car when i pick up my boys this week.

There are so many questions i would like to have answers to and since i can't get any of these things out of my mind, i feel like maybe this is what i need to do.

Any thoughts on how i should proceed with this? Is this even a good idea?

[adinva]

That all sounds really really hard to deal with. One thing that popped out for me was that you seem to be really hoping and expecting for your W to be happy or impressed or otherwise favorable with your hard work. Give that up and stop tormenting yourself. She is not in a place right now to empathize with your hard work and good effort. Don't even look there for that.

If you can get to that mindset, and replay her pi$sy entrance and exit from your house, you would have thought to yourself, huh she seems to be making herself angry over something. You didn't need to go ask her what she was mad about. Once you found out what she was mad about you didn't need to accept that as anything but her unfortunate reality.

Your defense, and your letter, aren't going to change her right now. I think you did very well to explain what you got done and why you didn't finish, but you let her get to you and you don't need to do that to yourself.

This is what detachment is made for. It is where you should try to get.

What answers are you thinking you'll get from leaving a letter in her car? Can you anticipate that you're not going to like how she takes that sideways and finds a way to not only not give you your answers but also make you feel mad and sad?

I would suggest putting blinders on and getting what you need done done, with grace and good attitude, and ignore any spew you get from her. Spew is very common from WASs and you'll see it in many threads here, and DBers are always advised not to listen to it. I hope you can try to detach from it, so you don't feel worse than you need to while this is going on. Your feeling worse doesn't have any effect on the outcome positive or negative. Protect yourself from it.

[shouldistillhope]

Advina,

Thanks, and i guess all along i still feel the need to find answers. I feel like i need to defend myself with our friends with the lies and the urge to defend and write a letter is keeping me from truly detaching. I just can't get over the fact that all the years i have supported her, and now she is in a better position than me financially and this is how she chooses to deal with problems in our marriage.

It is like everything i have come to believe in is now garbage. I know i shouldn't let it affect me, but the worst part is, i am human and am having a hard time coming to terms with all this.

How can she say that if i want to remain friends, that i will leave at that moment? She has been pushing all along to remain friends, but now it comes with stipulations attached i guess.

She always said that 6 months down the road if she sees true changes in me then maybe we can start dating. If i get a great new job (according to her standards) and then she wants to start dating again, i guess i will know the real reason for all this.

I know this isn't the only reason but to hear that stings. It hurts my pride to think that she doesn't feel i am good enough for her anymore.

[shouldistillhope]

So i guess i have decided against sending her any type of letter or trying to have a talk with her to find out if this is really the case in regards to whether or not she is embarrassed or somehow disappointed in me because of my career choice. I figure that by me not mentioning anything to her about it, she can then deal with whatever demons she has created out of me.

I guess i thought maybe i was more detached than what i am, but i think about her everyday, and i am having a hard time thinking about her dating after our divorce is final. I am not sure what is causing these feelings. It is getting to the point where our sitch seems to be all i can think about. I try to do other things to keep my mind busy, but that only seems to work for a while and then i am right back to the crap again.

I don't socialize much with any co-workers because i am in an area where i work alone, and the few co-workers who know about my sitch just tell me things like "she isn't worth it anyway, you need to get rid of her. It is for the best."

I don't say anything when they say things like this because i still have deep feelings of love for her.

GAL seems to be much easier when i have my kids, so starting Tuesday night i have them for 5 days in a row.

That will be nice for me and them.

[adinva]

If you recite gossip and lay accusations on her to pressure her into admitting that she doesnt respect your job, you will have given her several more reasons to not want to be around you. What do you hope to gain by trying to get her to admit that? Or by trying to get her to defend herself from your suspicion of it? You may get a moment of satisfaction, though not likely, but you will be guaranteed she will want less to do with you not more.

Give her space. Be proud of your work that supports a family. If she right now looks down on it, which you really dont know, you win nothing by being defensive. Let her deal with her thoughts on her own. Just be a man only a fool would leave. That is ALL you can do.

Gal is so important, to be with people who know nothing about your sitch and just see you for you. Gotta go find those people.