The View from the Blanket VI

[bustingout]

Well its time to start a new thread.

Last thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#Post2362587


In 25 days a year ago today (26 July), H sent an email to my Dad saying he wanted a D. He did not tell me about this email. I found out from my dad. His open PA had just begun about 3 months prior to that. The kids and I were in Germany with his family. H was there for a week. He went from being super friendly and fun and chatty at the start of the week to angry and spewing and sending D email at the end of the week. It literally happened in 7 days.

So many of you helped me through that time...Zig, NG, J3B (miss you!), NLW, Bug, LITB...so many more.

I was very weak back then. Still had so much to learn. I was so afraid of what was going to happen and I still had a lot of control issues. I felt like I could not let go. H consumed me, the sitch consumed me...and this was after 2 years of him moving out. I may be a slow learner.

Today I am stronger. I am much less fearful of the unknown future and much more centered on the here and now. OW is no longer of significance to me . I understand more now what H is going through, I understand his behaviours more. When my mind drifts I know how to pull myself back to right now. I focus on the small things. 'I am sitting on my bed, I am sitting on my bed with my laptop, I am sitting on my bed with my laptop and writing a post...' and so on. It really helps me to control my thoughts and remain focused on now..to remain mindful. I have learned so much and for that I will be forever grateful. I know I am a better person than I was. And I know I can still become even better. More compassionate. More loving.

I still do not want a D however am not afraid of the future. I have already survived this. My focus is the kids. I think one of my fears that I do still need to work on is my fear of being positive. being happy even. I feel like I am going to 'curse' myself if I feel positive about my sitch (however it turns out), my future. I have grown up conditioning myself to assume the worst, think the worst so that when it doesnt happen I can feel happy and positive.

Of course I do struggle at times. And that is why I find NC a challenge but also an eye opener.

As you know I have been NC with him. It has been 8 days...not long at all in the greater scheme of things. I plan to continue until we see him again which will be in about 20 days.

I feel anger towards him even though we have not spoken. And that may be because I am gaining some distance through NC and seeing some things more clearly. But the anger is making me feel resentment..contempt...and I do not want to feel those things. Its also making me remember incidents where he has blamed me in the past for his actions and responses. This is irrelevant now I understand. I need to feel it and let go so resentment and contempt do not build up. But it is what I am feeling right now.

And mostly I think because if you recall, the kids and I had gotten him a cookery course for his birthday last October. We had to postpone the dates twice and finally he was supposed to go today for a week.

In a previous post I had written how he asked about postponing it again. I responded that we could not and he responded saying he would try to make it. I have not heard anything since. Then I got an email from the cookery course today saying H has not shown up could they have a number. I was really miffed. Could he have not texted me even yesterday and say he is not making it?

I think do not know that his excuse in his head (from previous experience) is 'well you are not talking to me so how was I supposed to tell you'.

I know it doesnt matter. I feel in my gut that he is taking my NC as a 'pout' and again I know it does not matter. It is for me.

So instead of sending an apologetic email to the cookery people with an excuse of how H is so busy at work...I simply said 'Thank you for all of your support in trying to help me arrange this. H's number is..............'

I am not going to clean up his mess anymore. He could have had the decency to let me know he was not making it instead of basically throwing his birthday present in the toilet.

It is a shame.He loves to cook. Its one of his favorite hobbies. I cannot but think how much he would have enjoyed the time to indulge his hobby. Spend some time alone doing something he loves. I am 100 percent sure that if he did value himself and his emotional wellbeing, he would have been able to go despite his other obligations.

Anyway, I find NC a challenge. He called the kids today, I handed them the phone and I was nervous that I didnt speak to him. After they finished I just felt weird for awhile. Like I am being mean. Yes, I feel like I am being mean.

So just some thoughts today...

[NLW]

Dear Busting,
Thank you so much for this post.
You have learned so much through this awful process.
I, for one, have gained a lot just from reading what you have written today.

You are right, we are survivors; we should not fear the future now.

We struggle at times, and we feel anger and resentment. In this we are normal, surely.

On the birthday gift - if it had not been such a good choice for him - from people who really knew him and loved him, your H would probably not have felt the need to avoid it.

They run from us because it's too painful to stay. So, really, how could he accept such a wonderful gift from you?

You are not mean. You are doing what you need to do. In fact, you have shown him continuing compassion.

Don't doubt yourself now. NC is hard, but sometimes it's just what's required.

Always thinking of you,
NLW

[bustingout]

((((NLW))))) thank you for your post and your continued support and love. We have survived... You are a wonderful woman and friend.

Thank you for your perspective on the birthday gift ... I hadn't thought about it that way but it does make sense. Thank you.

Always thinking of you too.

Much much love to you and your family xxx

[JuneReN]

You know Busting, I just joined end of September, beginning October and I remember your support and kindness. For some reason I thought you had been at this much longer, you are so wise now

Your path is truly your own now and of course you will have anger and resentment. I am expecting the same shortly . The trick will be to let it come and then not hold it, because as human beings we tend to. I think it is much easier than forgiveness, especially when it is someone whom we love very much.

Also, I think once we find the place of hurt within ourselves, because we have been hurt, we can begin the healing and forgiveness. Not only in regards to the WAS but ourselves as well.

Personally? I think you are well on your way and I am taking notes

[labug]

Bah, it's hard and painful, isn't it.

Forget about the gift, the minute you gave it to him it was his, to do with as he wished. Painful yes, but try not to make it into more than it is.

You will feel anger and resentment, it's a given. Accept it, feel it fully, dig underneath it and see what's driving it. You've been hurt terribly, something dear to you has died. Honor that and you by grieving it fully. Feel it in every part of you. Don't hold back, let the tears flow.

About the pouting-if you are being the authentic Busting, don't worry about how he's taking it. We have no control over what others think of us.

Love you, Busting. You are moving through this.

[bustingout]

Thank you Kate -- I do hope for both of us that we are well on our way towards the next chapter whatever it may be. :-)

Bug- love you too. I did not realise the NC was going to be such a challenge and bring up such emotions. I know I should not care what he thinks - I guess in the distant past (before BD) my passive aggressive old self used NC as a 'punishment' for H ... So perhaps that is why I am feeling mean even though its not my intention. And maybe a part of me is hoping that NC will spark something. Although that thought is forced away by me when I remember that NC is for me.

So.... Working on my mindset.

[back56]

Hi Busting,

I don't post often, but your recent comments ring true for me. I also recently made a decision to go NC with my H. He as filed for D and our 60 day waiting period is up, but he has yet to schedule the final court hearing. (not sure what he is waiting for, but I am trying to let go of the why and just accept)

My H and I and all three boys get along very well. We have been successful at having family time, and doing things together, but lately, with things in the seemingly final stages, and knowing my H is still involved with another woman, it hasn't felt good to me to continue on in this way. When thinking about my H recently and potentially seeing him, I have had several times when my gut check tells me this is not good. And I think for now, I have to honor that. I have explained my boundary around this with our boys. They are older and get it. I have been at this for 2 and 1/2 years, and I can honestly say, whatever is going on, my gut says to do something different and protect myself more, so I am. And frankly, I have never had this kind of visceral response to my situation until now. Weird, but I am listening to me.

I know we do this for ourselves and I understand this and agree with it. I am curious, Busting, if you or anyone else has a response prepared for your spouse on the off chance that he/she ask about the shift to NC? I realize most often our S's are in la la land and don't notice or give a hoot about what we are doing or how we are responding. If it does happen, do we ignore any inquiry althogether because we are NC? I may be missing the obvious here...... but if your H asked you why you are not contacting him, what would you say? Thanks, and I hope I am not highjacking here. Back56

[bustingout]

Hi Back

Thank you do coming by... And no hijack at all. I am sorry to read abou your sitch... I hope you and your boys are doing well (((((( ))))))

The last conversation I had with H was a typical WAS/MLC conversation... He again stated how he likes who he is... Would do anything for the kids but try and R... It's just how he feels but can't explain why, can't really say what happened or why, maybe we will get back together, we don't need to tell the kids... And so on.

I did my very best - stayed calm, validated, listened when he spoke. I 'thought' it was a 'good' conversation because he engaged. He doesn't usually. I felt like I was understanding him more... At least more of where he was in his head. I felt like he wants to find a way back but doesn't know how. Then towards the end he abruptly stood up and said he has to go. I realised I was starting to get emotional.

Anyway- to cut a long story short- he ended the convo by stating that we had failed to reach a conclusion and that he didn't think he could so this much longer. He would let me know when he proceeds with his decision (basically a D). I agreed that we had not reached a mutual conclusion but felt that talking was progress. A baby step. He said I was optimistic and he was pessimistic. And asked what we should do. I suggested expert help, me looking for different perspectives and bringing them to him, more talking... All were met with a resounding no.

So iswid let's just not talk until we meet agin ( in about three weeks) and he said maybe he didn't want to talk again at all. I said ok H. Let's not talk ( I was very calm and compassionate) and when you call for the kids I'll just hand the phone over to them. If I don't answer, I am not being rude it means I am not with the kids at the moment. He said its ok to answer to say I am not with the kids, I said no, I think it's best like this for now. Let's leave it at that for now.

So if he does ask ( I doubt he will ) I think I will say it was for me to get some perspective and distance. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you or is in anyway meant as something negative towards you.

Something like that I think. I do think H will think I am pouting as I said in a previous post. Not only because of how I used to behave but also because his own behaviour towards me is based on him taking love and compassion away from me. His distance is his way of telling me he is angry and doesn't care about me anymore. It is not for him to heal. I want to heal.. And. I don't want to take away love and compassion but preserve it. And for that to happen, I have finally realised, I need to distance myself from him .

I don't know if that helps Back. I am still challenged by NC yet I am determined to keep moving forward. I pray H will want to rejoin us but have learned that right now the best thing I can do for my kids, myself and H too is to let it go...

Much love to you xxx

[back56]

[i]"So if he does ask ( I doubt he will ) I think I will say it was for me to get some perspective and distance. It has nothing to do with how I feel about you or is in anyway meant as something negative towards you."

Busting,

Thank you for your response. I like what you suggested and will keep it in the back of my mind to use if needed. It says what you need to say without judgement or suggestion of punishment. As you say, they will likely not notice, or if they do, not ask about the changes.

Not to give you any false hopes, but I think it might be a good sign that you get a sense that your husband wants to find a way back, but just can't figure it out. But then, I always go back to believing none of what they say and only 50% of what they do. So who really knows?!?

One thing we can count on for sure, and that it that things change minute to minute. In some weird way, that is somewhat consoling to me. Tomorrow they may feel differently, and likely by next week it will change again. So we really don't know what the future holds.......time and patience are our friends.

"Patience, patience, patience, is what the sea teaches. Patience and faith. One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach, waiting for a gift from the sea.......each cycle of the tide is valid, each cycle of the wave is valid, each cycle of a relationship is valid....the sea recedes and returns eternally." ~ Anne Morrow Lindbergh

[bustingout]

One thing we can count on for sure, and that it that things change minute to minute. In some weird way, that is somewhat consoling to me. Tomorrow they may feel differently, and likely by next week it will change again. So we really don't know what the future holds.......time and patience are our friends.

I agree Back. Its such a true statement. When I remember this it certainly alleviates any panic okay be experiencing at the moment.

I love the quote you posted as well. Thank you for that.

How are you doing?