I ran into her sister at the store on Tues the 25th. She invited us to a birthday party she is having for my sons cousin. I told her that W is going out with her girlfriends.
I'm not sure you even know this yourself, but it sounds like you're trying to rally your in-laws to your side of things. Basically you said "W is going out for a wild night of partying, but I, being the responsible party, am willing to bring the kids on my own." What you SHOULD have said is "I think W has plans, but let me check with her and we'll let you know." THEN you ask your W if she would mind if you took the kids yourself, and tell her that if it makes her feel uncomfortable then you won't do it. You have to remember, they are HER family. I don't care how close you think you've gotten with them, when you're knee-deep into a D they will ALL rally to HER side because that's what families do (just like your family will rally behind you).
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I asked her if it would be okay if I brought the kids. She related to me that I was part of the family too and that I was welcome to do that.
So you asked SIL for permission....
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I called her a little while later to confirm that she was ok with me bringing the kids without W. She said that it was.
Then you called her again to ask for permission...
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I told the W that I would be taking them and that I had already worked it out with her sister.
Then you TELL your W that you're doing this regardless of what she thinks and that you've already worked it out with her sister? Try to step out of your sitch for a moment and read that and try to see how it looks to others. What it looks like to me is controlling, manipulative behavior.
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Apparently, her family has very little idea about what is going on with us and our marriage.
And it is not your business to tell them. If they ask you then your response should be "We both just need some time and space right now to think about things." You DON'T do this:
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Aside from a few vague comments, I explained to her that speaking about our M would not serve my purpose of reconciling our M at this time and would only inflame my W.
Because this is blaming your W for your sitch. You communicated that you want to save the M and your W does not, and that your W is easy to anger. You are pushing your agenda. Again, I don't think you're consciously doing this, but you need to hear it because it is damaging any hopes for reconciliation that you may have.
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I told her that I didnt want her to cancel her plans and that she should go out with her girlfriend. I told her that either way I planned on going to the party with the kids.
If this were something like taking the kids to the zoo or aquarium, etc. then I'd say you were doing the right thing since she had other plans anyway. The problem is this is her sister, and plenty of other relatives will be present. She will be conspicuously absent, and they'll all want to know where she is, and you will tell them. Either directly or indirectly they will deduce that she is a terrible mother that is out partying instead of supporting her kids. THIS is what she's thinking. I think you know that, and I think that's why you're doing this. You've got to quit thinking this way, guilt is not going to drive your W back into your arms. People do stuff like this a lot here and it ALWAYS blows up in their face.
