CV, How much time do you spend together (just the two of you) a week? It sounds like you have both developed independent lives from the start of your marriage. While most men are ok with that, most women are not. Eventually, it's a recipe for divorce. It sounds like after two decades of a marriage where he could do what he wanted, he's suddenly being pressured to join a whole different kind of relationship- one where he actually has to participate. Men in his situation find this a very difficult adjustment, and push hard against it. I'm not saying its right, just pointing out what he feels he's up against.
It seems your husband wants closeness with you, but (in typical male troglodyte fashion) does not know how to string the words, and feelings, together to express this to you. I recommend that you spend as much time as possible alone with each other every week. Learn how to connect again.
I know, I know.....he won't, and he doesn't get it. He probably also has no idea how close to mentally divorced you are from him right now. Men don't get hints. We just don't. Two by fours work best to drive home your point - subtlety is only to be used to get points across to your female friends! The book you might want to throw at him is "his needs, her needs". It's written in a way that even thick headed men such as myself can understand. It may help him understand what your needs are that he isn't meeting, and what the consequences are if he does not.
I would forget your 5 year plan. If he doesn't read the book, or won't take action after reading it, separate from him. The condition for R should be only when he is ready to come back and commit to a marriage that you will BOTH be happy with.
