BC39, When was the last time your wife had any contact with the OM? Im concerned that there is perhaps intermittant contact that is disrupting her healing with you. Women, unlike most men, can generally only feel sexual attraction for one partner at a time. It's because their attraction comes from the heart, a connection with someone. It may be that she is still feeling an intense attraction for the OM, and therefore is unable to feel attraction for you. It is clearly not an issue of desire, as she has been using her vibrator.I would bet that if your wife was "in love" with you, she would feel attracted to you. It probably has nothing to do with your appearance. If the last contact was less than six months ago, then don't stress too much about the sex part. It will take that long (in a best case scenario) for your wife to detach from the OM and build up enough love in her tank to feel like ML with you. Do not put pressure on her!! You will push her away. Make sure that you eliminate all of the behaviors that got you here (and it seems like you and your wife are used to using disrespectful comments to each other-stop!). Show her affection, with ZERO thoughts of it going further. I'm going to guess that in the past, you mainly showed her affection because you wanted to get lucky. That life is over now. Get used to giving her constant affection and expect nothing in return. My wife loves her hair played with, and back rubs. I spent months just doing these things and more, while my wife still wasn't attracted to me, and "didn't feel that way about me". I persisted. Closed mouth kisses were all that I got- and I was thankful for them because the A was over and she was with me!
My wife started opening up slowly. Not physically, but with her words and actions. I knew she was falling "in love" again. Then she told me she was in love. Still no sex. I persisted with affection whenever I was around her. Then, one morning before work, she pulled me in as I kissed her goodbye. Wow. Like the first time all over again. We were both a little shell shocked afterwards, and she said she wanted to wait before we did it again- wasn't sure she was ready for what had happened. I told her I agreed. Two days later and she was all over me again, and has been ever since.
Think of this period of time as your second adolescence. Take the time to just learn how to hug, kiss, and show affection without needing to go "all the way". Learn to appreciate the way her neck and hair smells. feel how her neck slopes down into her shoulders and think "how did I not notice the beauty in this before?" slow it down. Talk to her only with respect, interest and admiration. I guarantee you will be rewarded.
Of course, if there has been ANY contact, no matter how small or peripheral, with the OM then all bets are off. You will not progress, and will most likely backslide, but worse than before. Why? Because, in her mind she tried to fall in love with you, but it didn't work- so it will never work and she should move on. Of course, we know she would be wrong, that while there was contact, or hope of contact, you could never reconcile. She may think, as other spouses have, that she can keep the OP as a "friend" while fixing her marriage. That would never work.
If you are confident of no contact, then I wish you the best of luck. Enjoy the journey of reconnection!
