In 25 days a year ago today (26 July), H sent an email to my Dad saying he wanted a D. He did not tell me about this email. I found out from my dad. His open PA had just begun about 3 months prior to that. The kids and I were in Germany with his family. H was there for a week. He went from being super friendly and fun and chatty at the start of the week to angry and spewing and sending D email at the end of the week. It literally happened in 7 days.
So many of you helped me through that time...Zig, NG, J3B (miss you!), NLW, Bug, LITB...so many more.
I was very weak back then. Still had so much to learn. I was so afraid of what was going to happen and I still had a lot of control issues. I felt like I could not let go. H consumed me, the sitch consumed me...and this was after 2 years of him moving out. I may be a slow learner.
Today I am stronger. I am much less fearful of the unknown future and much more centered on the here and now. OW is no longer of significance to me . I understand more now what H is going through, I understand his behaviours more. When my mind drifts I know how to pull myself back to right now. I focus on the small things. 'I am sitting on my bed, I am sitting on my bed with my laptop, I am sitting on my bed with my laptop and writing a post...' and so on. It really helps me to control my thoughts and remain focused on now..to remain mindful. I have learned so much and for that I will be forever grateful. I know I am a better person than I was. And I know I can still become even better. More compassionate. More loving.
I still do not want a D however am not afraid of the future. I have already survived this. My focus is the kids. I think one of my fears that I do still need to work on is my fear of being positive. being happy even. I feel like I am going to 'curse' myself if I feel positive about my sitch (however it turns out), my future. I have grown up conditioning myself to assume the worst, think the worst so that when it doesnt happen I can feel happy and positive.
Of course I do struggle at times. And that is why I find NC a challenge but also an eye opener.
As you know I have been NC with him. It has been 8 days...not long at all in the greater scheme of things. I plan to continue until we see him again which will be in about 20 days.
I feel anger towards him even though we have not spoken. And that may be because I am gaining some distance through NC and seeing some things more clearly. But the anger is making me feel resentment..contempt...and I do not want to feel those things. Its also making me remember incidents where he has blamed me in the past for his actions and responses. This is irrelevant now I understand. I need to feel it and let go so resentment and contempt do not build up. But it is what I am feeling right now.
And mostly I think because if you recall, the kids and I had gotten him a cookery course for his birthday last October. We had to postpone the dates twice and finally he was supposed to go today for a week.
In a previous post I had written how he asked about postponing it again. I responded that we could not and he responded saying he would try to make it. I have not heard anything since. Then I got an email from the cookery course today saying H has not shown up could they have a number. I was really miffed. Could he have not texted me even yesterday and say he is not making it?
I think do not know that his excuse in his head (from previous experience) is 'well you are not talking to me so how was I supposed to tell you'.
I know it doesnt matter. I feel in my gut that he is taking my NC as a 'pout' and again I know it does not matter. It is for me.
So instead of sending an apologetic email to the cookery people with an excuse of how H is so busy at work...I simply said 'Thank you for all of your support in trying to help me arrange this. H's number is..............'
I am not going to clean up his mess anymore. He could have had the decency to let me know he was not making it instead of basically throwing his birthday present in the toilet.
It is a shame.He loves to cook. Its one of his favorite hobbies. I cannot but think how much he would have enjoyed the time to indulge his hobby. Spend some time alone doing something he loves. I am 100 percent sure that if he did value himself and his emotional wellbeing, he would have been able to go despite his other obligations.
Anyway, I find NC a challenge. He called the kids today, I handed them the phone and I was nervous that I didnt speak to him. After they finished I just felt weird for awhile. Like I am being mean. Yes, I feel like I am being mean.
So just some thoughts today...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
